A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for several years. There's something that bugs me about him. When we're out, if he sees an attractive woman he'll let her know she's hot with his expression. He'll raise his eyebrows and do something with his eyes, and the woman will think she's some sort of goddess and that he's interested in her. There have been a number of women who respond to his flirtation as if I was invisible. For example, on store clerk ended up in four different aisles of a department store as him. Coincidence, I think not. An attractive hostess at a restaurant came up to our table with some sort of cart and stood right next him, and in her sexy voice asked him how he was, and if there's anything she can do for him. She did not look at me or ask me anything. A waitress/owner of a quaint restaurant in our town sat down next to him, her shoulder touching his. This was on our two-year celebration of our relationship together. There's many more examples, but I think I've given enough.He also usually seems to have a crush on some other 'hot' woman. At a party, he kept looking at this one woman over and over, and over, etc. It looked like he was yearning for her. My feeling is that he crosses a boundary in his interactions with other women. He sends out some sort of sexual vibe, and some women respond to his flattery. When I ask him to specifically talk about an incident he evades discussing the incident and talks around it. He says I'm insecure. I say he's disrespectful, and crosses a line. I'm really tired of watching him admire other women in a 'you're hot' sort of way, and I'm really tired of them responding to him and I'm really tired of seeing him have a crush on another woman. He doesn't act on, but he enjoys his crushes on other women, it's fun fantasy for him. I'm ready to leave, because I'm sick of watching it, I'm sick of being humiliated, and I'm sick of him not admitting to what actual events happened.
View related questions:
crush, flirt, his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I am in the same boat and going through this with my fiance so do not feel like you are alone. His wandering eyes, and they are blatant in front of me, are the very reason that I am delaying in marrying him.My fiance is divorced with two adult children and I am widowed with no children.My fiance is in his early 50's but acts like a teenager when we go out in public together. At home he treats me like a queen because there are no other "distractions."The bottom line is I don't want to look like a fool when I am with him when he ogles other women in front of me.I have talked to him about this a number of times that he needs to respect me and our relationship and tone down the ogling.If not, all I can think of doing is walking away for my own sanity and to get my self-esteem back. I shouldn't have to compete with other women for his attention when we are out in public together. I don't need the additional stress at this point in my life having been widowed and all of that.I am to the point that I would rather be single and living alone with my cat so that I can live in peace and harmony instead of this daily struggle I have with him.He can then be free to do all the skirt chasing and ogling he wants with the younger women that he so openly admires.Here is a link to another question that is similar to yours on this site that may help you.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-sweet-and-caring-but-he-really-ogles-other-women.htmlJust know that you are not alone in this suffering and many other women are suffering as well from this behavior that men display.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2012):
 As the flirter in our relationship I can see both sides of this… He knows how you feel and he tried to stop… he can’t. It’s how he works. It’s natural to him and he can’t see any other way.
It’s the same problem for us. I asked my fiancé how he feels about my flirting… and his response was “you breathe therefore you flirt”… and I do. I don’t think about it… it just happens… to NOT flirt is an effort for me. Thankfully my fiancé is ok with it and he just smiles at the guys and claims his territory… an example: last week on vacation (a gaming convention with about 80% men to women ratio) one of his friends (that I had just met that week) and I had an OUTRAGEOUS flirtation going on… complete with hugging and kisses on the cheek… to the point that our other friend referred to the guy as “oh that guy that flirts with you” and when I went up to a group of men and hugged the friend first (because fiancé was making a game move and was busy) another person said “oh looks like a girlfriend or wife” and my fiancé said loudly “yeah MINE” and since he was done his move I switched to hugging on him…. NO harm no foul… the other friend got his ego stroked by my hug and attention and fiancé got to claim his territory. The whole thing cracks me up because honey I’m 52 and my fiancé is 39 and his friend a baby of 32! It’s just fun and games for me… I have no intention of leaving my man for anyone else. We have talked about it… we are both in for the long haul…
A crush on someone else… we call them “con” girlfriends/boyfriends it happens all the time most folks keep it to themselves and don’t share with their partners…
You can’t control what others do or say only yourself. You’ve made it clear to him you are not happy with his behavior… he tried to change and could not… now you have to decide what to do.
You don’t know that the woman in the store was stalking him.. maybe it was a coincidence. I run into my friend who works in a store sometimes once a visit sometimes 3 or 4 times… depends on the day.
As for the sexy voiced hostess… you deem her voice sexy… maybe I would not… maybe he did not… it’s an opinion not a fact.
Men are normally the tippers at a meal… maybe she was vying for a bigger tip?
A person who sits down and touches shoulders.. maybe she didn’t have enough room.
Or maybe all of these women are after you man? Perhaps you think him so fine you think everyone wants him too?
If you are this unhappy, he will not change.... you should leave. IF you say you can't leave, then you need to learn to accept that this is who he is... and it won't change.
I will be flirting with men young enough to be my son till I'm dead and buried. I bet I flirt with the orderlies in my nursing home and i bet my much younger husband finds it funny..... but we both understand that just because I flirt and find others attractive does not mean I don't love him and choose him over all others... and trust me he's no prize... but then neither am I. But WE FIT and we work well together.
maybe you just don't fit with this guy?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 August 2012):
 The whole "Crush" on woman after woman would be a deal breaker for me to, no doubt, but I would have been out the door the first time I noticed it.
The fact that he KNOWS how it affect and and he still doesn't care, kind of show that he in fact only care about himself, does it not?
Maybe he is a narcissist, he clearly shows many of the behaviors.
But I still say that he has no control over how women react. I mean what women with any decency would start flirting on a guy who is out to dinner with another woman? I know they exist, for sure. But I'm saying is that he can only control his OWN actions. (just like you can't control his). And he has no inclination of changing his behavior.
I would move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Sweet-thing - That's a good question. I guess I'm stuck on him, I'm torn. I think he really did attempt to stop his behavior, and he did fairly well at suppressing the behavior for about 6 months. But, because he's so stubborn to even discuss and admit to his behavior, I just can't cope with it anymore. It just seems to difficult for him to change. I don't want to be the "angry/jealous" woman, but I'm afraid if I stay with him that's what I'll become, or that's what I have become.
I have moments where I want to be with him and I have moments where I think I just really need to let go of this relationship once and for all. It's hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Tell me again why you are still with him? Because from what you described I'd kick him to the curb and let him go chase after the next hot thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Thank you for your perspectives.
Honeypie - I hear what you're saying about the possibility of me 'reading' more into than there really is. However, I'm a very left-brained logical person, and I am very careful about looking at 'just the facts'.
Before I dated him (he was married at the time), he played on a recreational sports team some years back. His team name was "The Turtles". Each player had a 'turtle' nick-name, and his was "LOVE Turtle". Even other men noticed how the women 'loved' him. I don't think he is a chick-magnet. He knows how to pick the women that will respond to him. He just sort of comes off as gentle and innocent while he's letting a woman know she's very hot (and often the woman is just average). I've seen my share of women be taken in by his flattery. Only two women were actually on to his modus operandi. The behavior is a habit for him, and he enjoys the thrill and the ego-boost. It doesn't matter to him how it effects me. He won't look at that aspect of it.
The huge deal-breaker for me having to watch him have a crush on another woman. You've heard of 'wearing your emotions on you sleeves"... In the same way, he wears his crush on his sleeves. It is really just that blatant, and it's painful to watch. Well maybe, one woman just will never be enough for him. He needs some sort of forbidden fruit or something.
Honeypie, if your perspective is right, I wish I could see it.
agonyauntsanonymous - Yes, his hormones are working fine, but I think in his case, only part of it is hormones, but another part seems to be that he likes the 'fantasy' of it all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 August 2012):
This seems to be who he is. He sees nothing wrong with it, so this will never change for him, tough as he gets older he will have less "success" with the women he is flirting with. It's inevitable.
One thing though, I think you are making him out to be more of a "chick -magnet" then he really is. And another thing I don't think you are even considering is that he can NOT control how a woman react to him looking at her or smiling/flirting. So some women will read stuff into ANYTHING little hint, that goes for YOU and the woman he is flirting with. You say he will TELL the woman that he is interested in her and available, JUST with his eyes? I would see that as being a shameless flirt.
As for when is flirting crossing a line? For me, it's when the partner gets upset. However, he is doing it in plain sight, in front of you. To me it shoes that he LIKES to play on your emotions, it means that he's still got "it".
My husband is VERY friendly with people in general. I be 90% of the time he isn't even aware if a woman thinks he is flirting. (He doesn't think he is flirting btw, he thinks he is just being friendly). There have been times where women have responded the same way as they have to your man, quite inappropriate and shameless right in front of me and the kids. Thankfully, he does seem to notice that most of the time and will cut it short/cut it off immediately.
Since he will not change and you two can't discuss this topic I don't really know what to advice. I'm sure one of the reasons you fell for him in the first place was his charms? And perhaps you think that he should only "use" his charms on you?
None of us grow blinkers/blinders when we are in a relationship, we still notice other people, however, one WOULD assume that once you are in a relationship you stop looking for greener grass. Seems like your guy can't stop himself from looking for greener grass.
If you are not happy with him, maybe it's time to leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (8 August 2012):
That is disrespectful and if i was in your shoes or if my fiance did that to me, i would leave. Its rude. Im guessing hes in the same age bracket and is acting like a thirteen yr old boy with his hormones raging. I actually know thirteen year old boys more respectful than that! Im in my 20s and so is my fiance and while in the past weve had our problems, he would never do that to me. Thats not a respectful relationship. You dont deserve that, i would talk to him and tell him if he doesnt stop its over.
...............................
|
