A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm kinda dating one man few months, but I'm quite worried about him, because many times we go out, he drinks. While I'm having one beer or glass of wine, he has few and often some hard liquors too..he gets pretty drunk often to the level that he forgets where he is, talks complete nonsense out loud, he falls asleep in the bar, so i have to drag him home and sometimes even pay for all the drinks because he's unable to pay..in the morning he remembers nothing. When i tell him he drinks much he says that i should stop judging him.when he's sober he's nice, we have much in common and great chemistry, but his drinking and irresponsibility is a big downfall.What should i do? Should i break up with him or give him chance to change?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2018): Alcoholics don't abide by normal rules. They don't act like responsible adults, more like children who don't want to grow up. I was with one for 17 years. With alcoholics, it's not just the drunkenness, it's the two or three day hangovers and, as they get older, the health problems and the inability to cope with anything involving any responsibility at all. Imagine never being able to trust someone to carry out the simplest of tasks because you are not quite sure if they will be able to do it. That's what it feels like to be with an alcoholic.Another thing about alcoholics is that, when sober, they can be the most charming, passionate, seemingly loving people - but only for a while. BUT - and this is really important - their ability to be that way is BECAUSE they often avoid or cannot cope with the usual responsibilities that the rest of us have to deal with. Psychologically, they are looking to remain children, and the sense of fun and intimacy that can come with that can feel extremely powerful when it happens. It can be the thing that keeps making you go back over and again, That, and also if you have a caring nature, or low self esteem, you will accept the terrible lows that come with the highs.You are headed for a rollercoaster ride that will lead to nowhere. If you stay, by the end of it you will have been bled dry, in every sense, by this man-child. Don't become his substitute mother in the guise of a lover, however passionate the loving side of it may be; it's a trap, don't get caught.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018): Imagine 10 years down the line, when he's done with impressing you.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 December 2018):
 Break up 100%.
You’ve told him that he drinks too much, for me if someone said that, I would take it as it being a dealbreaker for them. That is their way of saying ‘Look, you need to dial back on the drinking or else’ and his response was ‘Stop judging me’? Okay fine, get rid of him then.
How can he find enjoyment out of drinking until he doesn’t know where he is? Going out for a date and you have to worry about getting him home? What a joke! What kind of guy would do that? I’d leave his drunk ass sat where he is and leave him a message never to call me again. He sounds borderline alcoholic to me and you’ll be heading down a dangerous path if you decide to stay with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
 Oh he remembers..... Unless he is absolutely black out drunk. It might be fuzzy but he remembers.. He just knows he can pull the I don't remember.
He IS NOT going to change, OP Not for you. He has already told you in his own words.
"When i tell him he drinks much he says that i should stop judging him."
What he is saying is HE DOESN'T want to stop drinking and he DOESN'T care how it makes you feel. DO NOT waste your time trying to "change" a guy. We all KNOW how hard it is to change ourselves FOR ourselves, so to expect him to change FOR you? It's not going to happen.
DUMP HIM ASAP. Look for someone who isn't in need of a "mother" but a partner.
OR if you stay with this guy it will come to a point where he starts pissing the bed or become violent.
Chin up, OP you can do SOOO much better than this drunk.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
 Break up and walk away as fast as you can...better yet RUN! He's an alcoholic. They live to drink and will let nothing get in their way. They live in complete denial. I know I was married to one. He wasn't one when I met him and rarely ever drank but when his father died he chose alcohol as a way of coping and turned into a very abusive heavy drinker. Its not a nice life to be with an alcoholic. They will make your life a living hell. Don't do it!
People change because they want to, not because you want them to. Don't think that you can change him. You cant. If he's already telling you to not judge him then he's gone. He has to help himself. I walked away from my alcoholic husband to save MYSELF. That was over 15 years ago. He's still an alcoholic and is in very poor health but refuses to give up the booze. The doctor have said he's living on borrowed time. He doesn't care. Alcoholics don't care about anything but their next drink. LEAVE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): He has a drinking problem. Alcoholism, or the potential of alcoholism, is a deal-breaker. If it isn't a red-flag for you; it should be!
Let me spell it out for you.
You're dragging a drunk out of a public place. That's humiliating. If he was alone, there is the danger he might attempt to drive. He would not make a reliable employee. He couldn't be trusted to go out alone; because he would return intoxicated, or pass-out someplace. Making himself vulnerable to robbery; or to arrest for public-drunkenness. You will have arguments or disagreements that could escalate to domestic-violence; or the destruction of your property. You can't reason with an intoxicated person. They are too unpredictable; and they do or say awful things they will surely forget.
How much actual demonstration of this do you need?
You SHOULD judge him. You shouldn't have to put-up with all of this this. You should have higher standards regarding reliability and character in the men you bring into your home, and into your life.
Never count on someone "changing." He should be the kind of guy you're looking for when you find him.
We all have our faults. We should all be a work-in-progress; which is an indication one believes in self-improvement, and a healthy desire to be the best you can be.
If you see a problem which could be a potential problem with addiction or abuse of substances; you steer totally clear of people with them!
If you're looking for a "fixer-upper;" you'd be better off investing in real-estate, or an antique car. If you want a rescue; get a well-behaved pet needing a home. If you want to do charity-work, or offer your services for the homeless; volunteer your time to a church or charity organization. Don't tie yourself down with a guy like that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
 I wonder, what makes you think he actually WANTS to change? His request to stop judging him? That doesn't sound much like a desire to change. That sounds much more like he is happy the way he is, regardless of what YOU think or want.
You are effectively ENABLING him by looking after him when he is so drunk he cannot look after himself.
You have two choices here: accept him as he is or get the hell out and move on with your life. In your shoes, I would be doing the latter and not looking back.
I was in a very similar situation to this many years ago. I spent about 12 months trying to "mend" this guy before realizing it was not going to happen. The only thing that was going to happen was that I was probably going to end up with a drink problem as well. My sense of survival kicked in and I finished the relationship. The last I heard about him was that his children had lost contact with him because he cared more about the booze than his family, and that he was living in a caravan in someone's back yard. Sad but inevitable.
This guy is not going to change because YOU want him to. HE has to want to change but he sees no reason to do that. You cannot pick and choose what you like about people and expect them to change what you don't like about them. He is what he is.
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