New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

How do I talk to my parents when they won’t listen to my side?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 March 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 March 2018)
A female Malaysia age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi all,

I started seeing a guy and I really like his company and he likes mine too. So basically, there isn't a definite label on our status but we've been out several times. However, he does want to make it a point to see me on every other weekend as I live on my uni campus and only go home on the weekends. And I do quite like that idea and I know where this is going. Thing is, i do really like this guy and I do want to start seeing people but my parents are quite against it. And I've told this guy how my parents are like.

Obviously, I've been honest with my parents, telling them that I'm out with this guy as he usually comes to pick me up from my home. However, my parents are kinda against me dating anybody as they think I'm too "young"? (I'm 19 years old btw). I don't exactly think 19 is too young to date, yes its young but not very young, you know what I mean?

Anyways, every time i need to get permission from my parents to go out with him, which kinda makes me feel scared? or maybe anxious because i fear their response and the way they react to situations. And i don't want them to like ban me from seeing him either. SO i'm not exactly sure what I should do? Moving out is not an option, getting a job isnt an option either due to culture and stuff.

Im from a Chinese family and my parents aren't like the western thinking type where kids can sit down with their parents and talk about their concern or something. It's quite difficult to talk to them about anything in general because they tend not see where I'm coming from. Like I've tried talking to them like an adult would but somehow, i feel like my feelings/thoughts are being pushed aside and my parents kinda like insists that they're ALWAYS right. I get it, thats how parents are but the main thing is that, they DONT even listen to what I have to say? Like i could be saying something and they'll jump in the middle and just like yell out their opinion at me.

I'm not bashing my parents here but how do I even go about this situation when its not even possible to talk to them? I've kept a lot of my feelings to myself and sometimes i talk to my best friend about how i feel and usually he just says like "just do it" and I tell him thats not how my family works. I want to be honest with them and I have and I wanna show them that i've matured and at the age where I can handle responsibilities. which i have been doing since my high school years for e.g my grades were always good and always had positive feedbacks for teachers etc and never disobeyed my parents before. So im kinda scared that they'll see me wanting to see a guy as disobeying them? Not sure how to exactly describe everything..

Please help xx

View related questions: best friend

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2018):

Posted this...

Dear wiseowle,

True that I ask questions to different cultures and all, cuz I hope that one of the answers I get could somehow help me out with talking to my parents. It’s no easy task. Being a girl, yes, we’re under scrutiny and yes being a Chinese girl is even more difficult. But isn’t it time to let us girls be independent? Stop treating us like we’re incompetent? Yes, first loves are tricky but isn’t this where parents would like guide me and all? My cousin, also female, at 19, she had a boyfriend, a first love too.. her mum and dad like spoke to her about it and guided her and all.. and they said it’s an experience with first loves, just don’t let it rule your life. And she turned out well. And I know I shouldn’t compare to others, but I’m just putting it out there.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2018):

[EDIT]:

"If he breaks your tender naive-heart, your whole world falls apart. Down falls your grades!"

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2018):

Unless you can brainwash or hypnotize your parents into seeing things your way; you'll have to follow their wishes. You are asking for people from other countries and cultures to tell you how to override or change the traditions and cultural values of your parents.

You are female and you are Chinese, and your parents will bring you up according to your cultural traditions and the way they see best. They gave you life and they have that right.

You are 19, but you still rely on your parents for shelter and financial-support. If they stopped supporting you, could you support yourself?

If you can't, that gives them the right and moral-responsibility to tell you when they think you are ready to date; and to assert their parental-authority over what you do. When you are away from home, you are at the mercy of the world; so they have to trust that you listen to them. Not simply for the sake of obedience or to maintain their control; but for your own good and safety. To also uphold your family's good name and standing in their community.

You might convince them in time. Maybe that will be when they feel you are more mature and show better judgment; but you're still a very young female in a nation where most people practice older traditions. The world outside your house will treat you according to what society deems proper for a Chinese girl. No matter how lenient or permissive your parents might be. Without the guidance of your parents, you have no idea how hard and cruel the world can be. Especially when it comes to young-men and what they want!

Your parents and their lineage stand under the scrutiny of your neighbors, relatives, the state, and Chinese society for how you are raised. They get blamed when bad things happen to you. They feel enormous guilt and shame when they fail to protect you. The name you carry represents who you are, and what your family stands for. They have little choice but to be strict with you.

How would you explain getting pregnant? Boys like sex, and usually don't want a girlfriend who won't have sex. Don't tell us the young-man you see is any different.

You will be judged by the outside world, and they are doing their best to protect you and guide you until you can see and understand more about the world than just wanting to be with some guy. You can write posts over and over, and no one can tell you how to override or disobey the authority of your parents.

I'm sorry sweetheart, you might think you're ready; but you're a freshman student and you really should be focusing on your schoolwork. Parents know how girls are about first-loves. They have to persist, or boys/that boy, will be all you think about! If he breaks your your tender naive heart, you whole world falls apart. Down falls your grades! The first-year of college establishes your academic-momentum and previews your GPA. Whether you'll excel, or just make it.

You are away from home; so the boy will have most of the influence over your thinking and feelings. Being so naive, you will be submissive to his influence. He will likely introduce you to sex. You being so emotionally-overcome and in-love; will do whatever you can to please him. That's why they do not believe you are old enough; and they can see other things in your personality that tells them you are not ready for that yet. Your chronological-age means nothing to them. They will base it on your level of maturity; and amount of good-judgment you possess and display. Parents give you a report card too!

It is universal. Young girls in-love have little or no judgement; they do whatever their hearts tell them to do.

Boys in-love don't get pregnant!

Rewrite the wording of the post as many times as you like. The answers and advice to a young girl who's parents are traditional-Chinese people living in China, sending her away to school to educate her, must be well thought-out. We all have to be careful not to disrespect, challenge, or rebuke their wishes. Nor should you! You're seeing him secretly anyway, so what's the point of your posts?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (6 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you have already told them and they have not stopped you from seeing him then what is the problem? Your post doesn't make sense because you say you have been honest with them, yet you are saying you don't want them thinking you are disobeying them or that they will ban you from seeing him.

So OP have you really told them the whole truth about meeting up with this guy when you are at uni? Have you told them that you like him romantically?

If you are unable to be an adult and move out and get a job then I would say it is your parents roof and there rules.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "How do I talk to my parents when they won’t listen to my side?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0781389999974635!