A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I wanted your opinion on after a couple is married what is the wife, should the wife pay for? My Hubby to be wants me to pay the mortgage and he would pay for everything else ie taxes,food, insurance,pet care,car care,everything. Does this sound resonable and fair if both names on the mortgage? Or is the wife screwing herself by not letting the man take care of her?What is your opinion cupid? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): How are going to split it 50/50 if u ll have to stay home with baby, then may be couple more kids will follow? I like this talk about equality, it's not sameness. Men and women are not the same. Women give birth and there is a certain period of time when she won't be able to work. So you won't be equal salaries wise as she won't be bringing anything at all for quite some time. So the situation wont be equal at all, and yes a man usually will have to support the whole family. II m saying ussualy, because mostvof the time, mother stays home with children, and a father goes to work even in our 2012 society.A man should be prepared for that ahead of time knowing that there will be time when he ll be the only provider and he will have to pay for EVERYTHING.Now, back tom your question. In a good and trusting marriage there is no secrets and splitting up going on. I have a good and trusting marriage with kids. This is how it works in my family: we have bussines together, that I manage. I take a certain amount from our business account to pay for all expences such mortgage, schools, GYM, utilities, business expences such as rent , insurance and so on. Then there is my expences such as hair, nails, facials, clothes, gas, girls nights out:), kids allowances. It's the same amount every month, or almost the same. As far as my husbands expences it's not much, occasional bottle of some alcohol, he pays for outings, and gas.It's the same amount every month. Then there is our saving account: long term, short term. I put there money away for traveling, emergencies, and long term for retirement. We all very much aware what's going with finances in my family. My husband knows exactly how much money we have, and how much he has for his budget to spend, so do I. If it's necessary to spend large sums like $500 and more we always consult each other. Noone acts on impulse, everything is discussed.So, as u can see there is no splitting up going on, we all involved in each others expences. And we are happy with situation, there is never any arguments about it.But it's only possible if you trust each other.if one of you is a compulsive spender, it won't work. If one of you have any expensive hobbies or addiction, it won't work. Then you need different accounts and contribute to one common account to pay bills.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 *may NOT qualify for a mortgage
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
Based on your question and your presumed followup, I'd say, get yourself to a qualified financial planner and figure it out. Also, run a credit check on your hubby to be, I suspect he may qualify for a mortgage on his own. There may be some surprises in there.
Your financial expectations and your marital duty expectations should be a product of informed and thoughtful guidance from self and experts. TV talk show ladies, while entertaining, may not have all the answers.
You already sound suspicious and uncertain about this. I see marriage disaster looming. Do a course on marriage prep and sort all of this out BEFORE you say vows. Do the credit check on BOTH of you and see a financial planner before mingling any money or buying any houses.
You may have an expectation that is reasonable but it doesn't mean it's the only solution.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
 While men are tied to their jobs, most men I know just want to be working and contributing, they don’t’ need to be the one making more which is good cause it’s kind of hard to top my salary. I will always make more than my partner. He wants to work that’s’ all. To contribute…
A man’s JOB is to love his wife and be a PARTNER A woman’s job is the same. TOGETHER they set their goals and work towards them AS A TEAM. Men that don’t work or can’t work are often feeling bad that they don’t CONTRIBUTE but as for being the primary bread winner, it’s 2012 I no longer see that as a viable option for many.
My fiancé just blew his entire inheritance on fixing up a house I legally own. I morally and ethically and emotionally feel WE own it but my name is on the deed…
So how do you do this if he makes 30k more and you have an inheritance from before the marriage?
You plan a budget based on his income, you make plans to spend your money together… what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine….
set up trust funds to generate income from that inheritance and try hard NOT to touch the principle.
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female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (9 May 2012):
My view is that your money should be pooled together and everything paid for jointly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): This kind of thing should be sorted out asap as money causes so many problems in a marriage
Put both salaries into a joint bank account and pay all the bills and whats left is for both of you to do with whatever you choose.
Nowadays alot of women earn more than men, but once your married money becomes 'ours'
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): "I heard from a famous talk show lady that a man does not feel like a man unless he can cover everything and take care of his family. If they don't they feel like less of a man and becomes lazy."
"Famous talk show lady" is perpetuating tired, outdated stereotypes.
"A mans job is provide and protect."
Not necessarily. Another tired, outdated stereotype.
In many marriages it's the woman who has a career with greater earning potential making her the primary provider.
"why is a woman a gold digger if she cooks and cleans all day?"
She isn't, she's contributing just as much to the running of a household as a stay-at-home husband who cooks and cleans all day. Another tired, outdated stereotype.
"What about stay at home mom's? The man better make at least 75 grand a yearfor her to stay at home.. right!?!?"
Wrong.
"What if the wife had 1/2 a million dollars from dead grandma's estate? then wed's? How do you split expences then when the man makes 30 grand more than you do a year? But you have more in your pot to begin with?"
When a couple truly in love marries, what's hers becomes theirs and what's his becomes theirs. Married couples do not "split expenses," they pay their bills jointly from their joint assets.
If you and/or hubby are so hung up on "splitting expenses" between you to the proportionate penny, then you should have had this discussion and signed a binding legal agreement detailing each party's financial responsibilities before the wedding.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): I have a different opinion from most who say that the spouse who earns more should pay more simply because they earn more. This is pretty unfair in my opinion.
Its like saying I cant afford to buy this car on my own. So I will get married to a richer guy and now voila I can have this car now. It would make me feel like a child and he is my parent because he is providing me everything i need and want. Like a parent to a child. Its not split equally like when you go out to dinner with friends even if they make more money then you yet you still insist on splitting the tab not allowing them to pay for you just cos they earn more.
I know its different with spouses because you're a single family unit. But I am talking about basic human dignity of not being in a regressed position like back to childhood where you need and depend on a family member to provide you money for everything.
Now if the higher earning spouse e.g. husband decides he wants the big house then fine he can pay the lion's share cos it's his idea. But what if its the lower earning spouse who wants a big house that she cant equally contribute to instead she wants him to buy it with the money he makes. She is claiming equal ownership of money she did not earn just because they are married? Doesn't seem ethical even though its common practice that no one questions. But this legitimizes gold digging in marriage.
If I made a lot less than my husband I would want only for us to live such that we both contribute equally every month. Meaning we live as if he earned just as little as me. Then the surplus from his salary would be up to him what he wants to do with it or put it into savings for the future or emergency funds or donate to charities. Sounds ridiculous I know but I just wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that I am living a lifestyle I actually didnt earn but simply because I am having a sexual relationship with a richer person.
But since I make the same as my husband its easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): I don't see why a man feels unmanly just because his wife also earns money. Most men i know are proud of their wives' professional avhievements and contributions to society in terms of their paid work. A man who would not be happy with this has a problem in my opinion. He wants to bar his wife from a set of life experiences which is earning money and the work that goes into that. How does her earning as much as him diminish his contribution or make him less of a husband and father in any way? He would still make the same salary regardless of whether she also works just that now there's more total cash flow if the wife is also earning. Why is it better to have less money? Why would a man feel more manly if they all had one income instead of two ?
Men who derive their self worth from being the SOLE Providers of their family and would have no self esteem if their wives started earning equal money, are psychologically unhealthy. They have a savior complex. Or they disrespect women if they feel threatened if the woman does the same thing they do (earning money). They don't see her as a partner or even a person but as their property for them to demonstrate ownership of in order to fulfill themselves.
Most guys I know whose wives earn as much see their wives as life partners. My parents ran their business together and took turns caring for us when we were little. Not my dad providing everything for the family because he cant handle the idea of my mom also doing something that generates income.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Marriage will never be what it was originally intended to be.I believe in 100 percent all in ! Unfortunately 9 out of 10 of people i know got divorced including me. I paid for everything and then had to pay 50 percent of assets in the settlement,so why not start 50 /50. I think there should be a agreement ahead of time so that if there is a problem there won't be any arguing.
The days of guy paying for everything are over. We are no longer naive. That is unless you settle for a desperate unattractive willing guy with a lot of money.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): I am the poster of this question. I heard from a famous talk show lady that a man does not feel like a man unless he can cover everything and take care of his family. If they don't they feel like less of a man and becomes lazy.
A mans job is provide and protect. why is a woman a gold digger if she cooks and cleans all day? What about stay at home mom's? The man better make at least 75 grand a yearfor her to stay at home.. right!?!? What if the wife had 1/2 a million dollars from dead grandma's estate? then wed's? How do you split expences then when the man makes 30 grand more than you do a year? But you have more in your pot to begin with?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Both husband and wife should put their paychecks into a joint account.
There shouldn't be a differentiation of 'MY money' and 'YOUR money'. It's OUR marriage and OUR money and we should be working out OUR expenses together.
The household expenses, cars, insurance, mortgage and food should come out of this joint account. You should have a separate account for savings and a retirement plan as well. THIS IS IMPORTANT - START NOW. Keep track, budget and plan your monthly income and expenses. After a few months, you will be able to see where your money goes. "Quicken" has a great computer program that will spit out piecharts and show where your expenses are - it's great and surprising too, but it can be an eyeopener that let's you see "Oh, wow - that's how much we spend each month on gas? Maybe we need to go back to one car and car pool...".
After you see your regular expenses, you decide on how much you can each afford on your own luxury items and hobbies - say - "fancy" clothing & shoes - golf & tennis - whatever you each like - above and beyond your 'regular' needs. Obviously, everyone needs regular clothing, but you should reconsider getting a new Coach purse every month if it's not in your budget? Likewise, if he spends his paycheck before it goes into the bank account on a new Fender guitar and amps before checking with you - that's not reasonable. You are both responsible to meet ALL your regular monthly expenses out of the joint account and this will keep your credit rating in good standing. Keep a credit card in your own name in order to assure your own credit rating and make sure it is kept in good standing.
Even if one person earns more - you should try to keep this "luxury" amount fairly evenly balanced. At some point, you might be a stay-at-home mother - and that job is also valuable because you are supporting the raising of your family and supporting his earning as well. Sharing everything 50/50 is pretty miserly and unreasonable if the man earns 110,000 and the woman earns 36,000 and I wouldn't think too highly of a man who didn't wish to help support his wife as an equal partner within the marriage - and the reverse is true if the shoes are on the other spouses feet.
Who wants to stomp around saying I earn all the money, I get to keep it all when they know they are going to wind up with a miserable spouse that they knew wasn't earning the same as them, and know full well that they are making them miserable by withholding their money as well? Misers. Misers don't make good husbands and cheap men are very hard to change. By the same token, gold diggers don't ever check if there is money in the bank before they buy something, and they treat their husbands like ATM machines. Both misers and gold diggers have one thing in common - their behaviour is purely selfish and just about their own wants and needs. Presumable, if you are going to marry someone, it's because you love them and want to share a good life together.
You should sit down and talk about money and future expenses. I never make a purchase over $1,000 unless I mention it to my husband about it first. You can decide between the two of you what your limit is on when you need to check with the other spouse on a larger purchase. MAJOR purchases need to be discussed together; like kitchen renovations or cars - never decide these things without checking with your partner.
These are the sort of things that Marriage Preparation Courses teach and it probably would be something to consider doing now if these are things you haven't discussed. It can make it easier to bring up sore or touchy subjects and it's nice to have a few other couples sharing their own input. Money is the #1 thing that most couples say is a problem in their relationship, it would be reasonable to take a course on it in any event... Probably WAY too much information here, from mistakes that I have seen happen to friends and family members! lol. Sorry for the rant but hope some little bit helped....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
we BOTH pay for everything.... that's how I was raised.
both paychecks go into a joint account
all bills are paid out of this account
each person is given a certain amount of spending money (in our house we go on an as needed basis because I have high maintenance costs he does not (hair, clothes, starbucks and nails)
if you do it your way who is doing the savings for the home?
if you don't make the same amount who is contributing more?
I know that my dad and his long term partner (they never married but live as husband and wife totally) do not have joint accounts and they split the bills 50/50 with both names on the mortgage and deed... Dad pays the mortgage and the electric bill, he covers travel expenses, she covers local entertaining, she pays the condo/club fee and the phone bill... she covers the groceries, he covers meals out... but in the end it's been worked out to be 50/50
they keep their cars and expenses separate since without being married the insurance is outrageous...
there are two OTHER ways to do this
you pay 50% of the bills and he pays 50% of the bills and you both keep the rest of your paychecks... but then you need to add in household savings as an expense in addition to your private savings...
you pay a certain percentage of your salary towards the household expenses and he pays the same percentage.
that can be a big problem if there is a big difference in your salaries.
in addition, I strongly suggest that you both consider the ability to make due on only ONE salary... for example right now my fiance is unemployed and has been since the end of January and with unemployment we are doing ok to cover the expenses of extras because my salary covers ALL the household mandatory expenses....
I don't think that married couples should have separate finances. I believe that in committed relationships 'what mine is yours and what's yours is mind" is the way to go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 You need to work out the total costs for everything you need to live ie mortgage, utilities, insurances, food, even things like special work requirments including uniforms or tools, as without these income would not be generated.
If this is a serious division of income you may also need to look at items such as health care and health costs as well. Discuss what is considered a neccessity and what is a luxury.
Then work out paying power, if one is earning $1000 per week and the other only $100 its not fair to both pay $50 per week towards living costs, so determine a ratio, this goes into the joint account which is used to pay for all living costs. An extra account can be created for joint luxuries such as trips or buying gifts for people etc.
It will take some serious discussion and some tweaking as you go, but if you both at least start on the same page there shouldn't be too many disputes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): I pay for the mortgage, health insurance and other "big ticket" expenses like car repairs and home repairs, and my husband pays for everything else e.g. monthly utilities, phone, trash pickup, groceries. I make more than my husband.
"Or is the wife screwing herself by not letting the man take care of her?"
But don't you think that by "letting the man take care of you" that means you're exploiting him and taking advantage of him and being unfair to him? so you're asking, are you screwing yourself over by not exploiting your husband? This isn't a healthy attitude to have towards your marriage because you see it as you versus him, "get him before he gets me" rather than both of you being on the same team.
Now I can understand your mistrustful attitude if your husband has betrayed your trust in the past. Mine did. That's why I keep separate bank accounts, no more joint accounts for us. And that is why we have this division of expenses, so I can make sure that he is staying on task and not exploiting me like he used to. (he wiped out my savings within the first year of our marriage, without my knowledge, because I trusted him with a joint bank account that I put all my money into. Never will I trust him again.) ...that was 9 years ago. this year I cautiously opened a joint bank account again, thinking he had by now changed. Nope. Within 6 months it was empty. And I had no knowledge of it.
but if your husband has not already betrayed you or already screwed you over, then you shouldn't be putting up these walls around yourself. I do have those walls because my husband has proven to be untrustworthy. But if your husband hasn't then you're just going to create the atmosphere of mistrust by being the first one to turn it into a you-versus-me thing.
in summary, if your husband has already turned this marriage into a "you versus me" thing as far as finances, then you're perfectly within the bounds to play by those rules and look out for yourself and protect yourself against possible future financial ruin. But if he hasn't, you shouldn't be the one to set up this foundation for your marriage.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I personally think the easiest fairest thing is to figure out the percentage you make relative to each other, set up a joint bank account, and each put in the relative amount. For instance if one person makes 80% of what the other makes, then that person will put in $0.80 for every $1.00 the other puts in. Then you never have to worry about who is spending more. Each of you has your own account for personal expenses, and all joint expenditures are paid for equally (from groceries/meals to rent to insurance).
Different things work for different couples though, and there is no one thing that works for everyone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): "What is your opinion about what the wife should pay for after marriage?"
Nothing. Husband and wife should use their joint assets to pay for everything together.
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I would say 50-50 as best as possible but that doesn't mean that every bill is split in half. I would opt for where some bills are payed by each person. That deal sounds fair because on a monthly basis they will most likely be equal.
My stand point is that if my girlfriend was hinting on me paying for everything while she works I wouldn't even consider marrying her. To me equallity is very important.
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female
reader, eternallyinfinite +, writes (8 May 2012):
I think you should pay whatever you feel is fair. If you both work, then you should both contribute equally. If one of you makes more than the other, the expenses should be paid proportional to your salaries. It really depends on what you and your husband feel comfortable with. I'd personally probably just want to split everything 50/50 ...
"Or is the wife screwing herself by not letting the man take care of her?"
Depends ... if you're a traditional stay-at-home type of wife, then I guess he ought to take care fo you. Personally I would rather be equals!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2012):
 When I was working we both put a certain amount into an account for bills only. We put in the same amount and all the bills were paid from that account.
Does the mortgage cost = the cost of taxes,food, insurance,pet care,car care,everything?
I think 50-50 would be the "fairest" but it depends if you share accounts or not. I guess.
Sit down with your husband, make a budget and figure out who pays what or how you want to share the costs.
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