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What is this feeling I have for him?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 7 December 2017)
A male United States age 22-25, *arutoforever357 writes:

i have a childhood friend who is four years older than I am and for the most part I've seen him as a big brother because my friend has always been by my side.

But there is another part of me that gets jealous when I see my friend flirt with people and it bothers me that my friend kinda treats me as though I'm still a kid and I can't help but think what it would be like I was something more than that. I dont why I feel this way about my friend and it scares me a bit.

View related questions: flirt, jealous

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 December 2017):

TylerSage made an interesting point, that you shouldn't overlook. A boy-crush can be misinterpreted as romantic. It isn't. It's more along the lines of idolizing someone; because you like their style, talents, or they're your favorite role-model. You admire them with affection. It's non-sexual. Sometimes it may border on sexual! It can happen.

Don't misread your friend's interests in men as "bi-sexuality;" if he worships athletes or sports-figures.

If he's into fitness, he can admire the male form; and be inspired by guys who workout and have great physiques.

I have straight-friends who talk about their favorite football or basketball players like they're almost in-love! They wear their jerseys, and collect signed memorabilia, and talk about these players like they know them personally.

If you think he's bisexual, but he hasn't made any passes at you; you're in the friend-zone. Give the guy a little space, and make some other friends. Explore your sexuality and attraction to men with people who aren't designated as your platonic friends. You need dating-experience.

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A male reader, Narutoforever357 United States +, writes (6 December 2017):

Narutoforever357 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the advice. I think you might be right on a few things and I know my friend is bisexual because I've seen my friend show interest in guys before. Our friendship means a lot to me and I guess its cause I don't really have many friends.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (6 December 2017):

TylerSage agony auntIt could just be a boy crush.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

Sometimes closeness to a best-friend feels challenged or threatened by outsiders. It is often a sign of over-dependency. I guess everything depends on what signals you receive from that friend that awakens such feelings.

I will need to explain this to you. It may be long. I like the opportunity to address this issue when possible.

It might mean you need to venture out and find some new friends. Or you should spread your affections more evenly among other friends and family. Expand your social-circles to broaden your horizons; and explore romantic-opportunities outside your friendship. You are centering too much attention and consolidating all your emotions on one person. He has been centered in your life; and you focus all your feelings on him. He's just too handy. If he is a handsome guy, and a good man; you may idolize him to some degree.

The familiarity and close-proximity (in the emotional-sense) of friends gives us a sense of safety and security. It is often confused with romantic-love. Particularly when friends are physically-affectionate, touchy-feely, and/or flirtatious. Friendship produces dopamine and all the other feel-good mind-chemicals you get from love and closeness.

What if my friend flirts with me, hugs me a lot, or is always touchy? I feel myself getting sexually-aroused!

Often a friend's flirtation is only meant playfully, or as a ego-booster; because we always want our friends to feel loved, secure, and attractive. We try to boost their self-esteem and confidence; but you have to be careful, because you can easily send the wrong signals and cross the line.

For lazy people who don't want to challenge their interactive-skills; they try to change the dynamics of their friendship-ties to close friends, to force it to be something else. They'll try by expanding it to friends with benefits. For those of the same gender, this can be quite unsettling; when the friend is undoubtedly straight!

It's also quite complicated when they are of the opposite-sex; but the friend has not even a an inkling of attraction outside of friendship. So the infatuation is secret or disguised to be only friendship, but it's not. Then manipulation is used to get feedback to satisfy those urges that don't apply to regular friendship. Jealousy towards outsiders is usually claimed as being "protective" or looking out for your friend.

Truth is, it's being territorial and over-possessive. In simpler-terms, being a "wedge!" It's selfish and looking out for your own self-interests. It has nothing to do with protection. It's building a wall of protection around your prized-possession. That means it's time for some distance between you. Go develop a separate love-life; don't feed on opportunity and convenience.

I often remind people about "fishing in a barrel." Cornering your best friend. Projecting their sexual and/or romantic-feelings onto close friends. If you've never dated before, you are suffering from arrested-development. Avoiding growth and dodging rejection. That stems from immaturity and laziness. You have to push yourself and get into practice.

I tire of questions about whether they should express their true feelings? Not if the friend has never seemed receptive to all the signals you've surely been firing at them like a machine-gun! Yet never once did they seem to notice! Some think "if I profess my love, they will magically change how they feel, and we'll live happily ever after!" You're gambling with your friendship. If they aren't receptive; you're hurt, bitter, and embarrassed. Some even get mean and nasty. All because that friend doesn't want to cross-over and beyond the friend-zone.

Conceited/narcissistic people will flirt only because they need that constant reassurance and feedback that they're desirable and beautiful. They need admirers and a fan-base for adoration of their looks. Friends included! They love to tease and provoke arousal; no matter who it is. That's why you have to be careful how you interpret their flirtations.

About coming-on to a friend. It's easy, convenient, and the ice is already broken. Trust is already established. However; it crosses certain boundaries that the other person may feel necessary to keep the relationship within the purpose for which it was established. "We're just friends!" Sometimes there are moments when the lines blur. Usually when people are drinking or under the influence of a drug. They're having a social dry-spell and the dating-pool dries-up. They have a few drinks. Too many drinks. Inhibitions are dropped; but there's a lot of embarrassment and regret once everyone has sobered-up. Awkward!!!

My pen-pal and best-friend became my lover and partner for 28 years. We were both hiding our true feelings. We we both in the closet; but we messed around every chance we got. We even had girlfriends, and regular sex with females. We were only 17 when we met; so it took time and maturity for us to come to terms with our gay sexual-orientation. We always had mutual-attraction, but we tried to abide by the rules of "heterosexual-behavior;" under-which we were conditioned.

Stubborn and determined people insist on removing the boundaries that define platonic-friendship to explore more; but the feelings have to be mutual. Otherwise; you are pushing the envelope. Placing that friend in an awkward position. You just might lose that friend; if you can't accept the platonic-limitations. This was never our problem. We knew we loved each other in a different way. We tried to behave according to our "upbringing." For social-acceptance.

Sometimes the curiosity of "what-if" occurs naturally. What would it be like if we were more than just friends? Regardless of boundaries or anything else. You wonder what sex would be like with your most attractive friend? You snap out of it; because you don't want it to happen. Things are fine as they are. Why trifle with the complications? Hormones have to be controlled and properly regulated. You don't have to respond to every freaking impulse you feel!

In your case, you may be discovering your attraction to men. It starts out with the men you know, or closest to you. I was very attracted to my dad's best friend as a growing boy. My two older-brothers' jock-buddies were really good-looking strapping athletic young-men; they awakened my attraction to men as early as 10 years-old! So your feelings towards your friend are understandable. He falls in the peripheral of your sexual-attraction towards men. It feels weird, because he's so close. He also feels like a brother to you. It's almost incestuous, you feel a little creepy! Guilty, even!

Gay-feelings at first manifestation are frightening, confusing, and stirs-up a lot of guilt. Be careful to avoid self-loathing. It doesn't have to lead to that!

I suppressed my gay-feelings for years before I actually acted on them. My virginity was taken by a girl older than me. I enjoyed the sex! I pursued it, because it felt good and was acceptable. I still felt unfulfilled, and couldn't connect emotionally to females. My friend and I would only masturbate together; or touch each others privates. We were afraid to do anything else. We didn't want to "sin!" I was terrified of going to hell! I'm still terrified of going to hell. Not due to my sexual-orientation; but for bad behavior, period!

Don't be scared. Just manage the feelings to keep them within the boundaries of platonic-friendship. If you know for absolutely certain that your friend is totally heterosexual, you must respect that. You should not challenge or threaten his sexual-orientation; if he is straight. Nor should you test the boundaries of your friendship sexually. Naturally you feel jealous when you see others receive a side of him that you can't expect to get. It is also a threat to your closeness; when others can provide an exchange of intimacy that is denied you.

Maintain your friendship on the purpose that it was founded. If he is heterosexual, you don't have a choice. If he is bi-sexual, or even gay; but he has never directed his inclinations towards you, it's best not to go there. It's fine to feel what you feel. Just keep the feelings where they belong, out of respect and love for your friend.

If at some point you wish to let him know you think you may be gay; then share it when you feel he can handle it. Don't think by revealing it, it will open any doors of opportunity for you. That's being manipulative and stepping out of line; as too many gay people will do with their straight best friends. Getting a punch in the face often snaps them out of it. Lets hope it never comes to that.

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