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How do you get over the first person you were sexual with?

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Question - (5 December 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 12 December 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

How do you get over the first person you were sexual with? I don't understand why I am so stuck on this. My first kiss was at 17, and he was also the first guy I ever touched or let touch me. However we did not have sex. I wasn't in a relationship with him but I was extremely infatuated with him. He had so many of the qualities I admire in a man. Because of my extreme attraction to him, I was always pretty nervous to be with him, and when I get nervous I get quiet and awkward. I'm sure that for him, it was more of a physical attraction considering that I never opened myself up too much and maybe at that age I presented myself as "ditzy" because I thought it was "cute" (I know, I deserved to be treated as an object if I presented myself in such a manner and didn't initiate deeper conversations...but remember, I was 17 here. I had no prior experience with guys whatsoever. I really didn't know how I was supposed to behave around someone that I really cared for.) Anyway, the point is that I caught extreme feelings for him. We spent countless days after school together, he always made me laugh and was super sweet, never pressuring me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. We enjoyed each other's company, and things were running smoothly for a while. The dynamics between us changed because of my dumb ass self and my lack of communication to him about how I felt. He ended moving away after getting in trouble at school (long story). We did text once after he left so I could at least let him know that I'd cared for him. Aside from that, I haven't seen or spoken to him since then. The issue I'm having is I cannot forget him. I've talked with other guys since, but I've only ever been sexual with one guy after the one in high school. Ironically, I lost my virginity to that other person at 21 and, when I realized we just were not compatible, it was extremely easy for me to end things. Why is it that I harbor virtually no feelings toward the person I lost my virginity to (and spent a longer amount of time with), but I still ache and hurt when thinking about my immature high school "relationship"? I don't think I've ever been in love, but the only person I cannot ever completely push out of my consciousness is my high school fling. He was truly a catch and I've yet to meet someone quite like him. I repeat all the "what-if" scenarios in my mind, and I have a blistering regret of not opening myself up more emotionally towards him, and allowing him to see my entire personality. How do I end these senseless thoughts? I thought my feelings for him would vanish after moving on to another guy, but that really did not work for me. All these years have passed and I still feel as strongly about him as the first time I went on a date with him. I apologize for the extreme length of this post, but I've been holding this all inside me for so long without ever telling anyone. I don't like people to know my problems but it feels easier to unload my issues to strangers.

View related questions: immature, lost my virginity, my ex, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you used social media to try and track him down? If not then I would start there I think the best way to see if there is anything there is to contact him and see how it goes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think we ALL carry people in our minds and hearts who meant something to us. Even decades later. While we perhaps idealize them as time passes they will stick with us for the rest of our lives. However, there is a difference between having fond memories and NOT moving on.

You are NOT moving on.

And that is something you have to work out in your own time and own way. One way is to accept that you CARED for this person and enjoyed the time you had with him but due to him moving and ya-da ya-da he is no longer in your life.

If he was really a great guy then know that you ARE capable of finding quality men because you have already met one. Take what positive you CAN from this. Think of the traits in him you really liked and carry that forward. Learn from whatever "silly" mistakes you made and again... be smarter next time you find a quality guy.

As for having sex with a guy, you didn't really care about... well, learn from that too. Save those special experiences for people you CARE about. Otherwise, it turns the experiences into meaningless experiences that you could do without.

Some people are JUST that special that you carry them with you for the rest of your life. That's OK. Just don't put them up on a pedestal so high no one else can't compare or live up to that standard.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (6 December 2017):

chigirl agony auntSo the question is not how to get over the first person you were sexual with, the question is how to get over someone you still carry a torch for.

He moved away, so you never got to end things with him in a bad manner. You didn't argue and that's why you stopped meeting. He moved. So your mind still harbors this ideal version of him which is all sunny and pleasant and all these lovely memories.

How to make sure you keep loving someone? Replay all the wonderful memories of them in your head and focus only on their great qualities.

How to make sure you get over someone? Realize their poor qualities, repeat those poor qualities to yourself, and associate them with negative feelings.

No wonder you're still carrying a torch for this guy, because you're following the recipe for how to stay in love. Switch tactic to how to get over someone, and he will soon be out of your mind.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAh, unrequited love. It never changes, it never grows old, it never dies. Possibly the hardest to get over because you can make up your own "happy ever after" endings with nothing to contradict them - as you are doing.

You will NEVER forget this guy but, when you meet the right person, your first love will just become a very pleasant memory. You say he had so many qualities you admire, so look for those qualities when looking for partners.

Your other alternative of course is to try to track him down and see if there is anything between you that you can work on. Unless he is with someone else, there is nothing to stop you doing that.

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