| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupids, My husband and I bought a house in a village 6 years ago. We go there a couple of times a year and hope to retire there.When we came there, we met a couple. We’re in our forties and they are 55 and 64. They have two grown children. Their son (33) is a drug addict and was sent to jail, because he verbally assaulted a doctor who wouldn’t give him some meds. His mother told me all of this yesterday and asked me if I could write to him, because he gets along fine with my husband and me, since we have some common interests philosophy, reading, films… He and his father are always fighting and there’s some real animosity there. His father, although he’s nice to us, can act like a bully. He’s tall, strong and very VERY loud. He can “tease” people by saying rude things to them, but I guess he’s not the only one in this rural area.He’s son is like a kid in a body of a 30 year old. And none of us is an expert, but he has some of traits of an untreated bipolar person. He doesn’t have a degree, and gets very excited about “finishing his studies” and does nothing concrete, apart from enrolling and then dropping out again. Whenever he has some money he goes on shopping sprees buying expensive stuff he doesn’t need and can’t afford (Iphone, branded clothes…). Looking from the “outside” he seems spoilt and irresponsible since he doesn’t have a notion that he has to work for a living, pay his bills... Actually the cause-end effect relationship work (studying) – good results seems foreign to him. He has periods of severe depression, when he stays in bed in the dark, doesn’t eat, doesn’t wash… He has never gone to therapy which is almost the case with everyone here in rural areas. First of all opportunities are few and far apart and there’s of course the idea that going to therapy is a sign of weakness. He did everything to be the opposite of his father even physically although they are very much alike. As I said the father is tall and strong and the son is tall and has he’s father’s bone structure BUT he did everything not to be like his dad. He’s thin to point of being anorexic. He dyes his hair yellow and has self-made (inflicted would be a better word) tattoos all over his body. They are not real tattoos more like tattooed scars. He has piercings and does everything to be provocative in these rural surroundings. I’m giving this description because his mother told me something that really hit me. I mean even before she said it the thought of him in prison made me think that he the way he is and looks would make him a target there… She said and I quote: “You know, when somebody is weak the way he is, he is targeted there and EVERYTHING bad that can happen to him has already happened”. I shivered thinking about all sorts of abuse and the young man had been already mentally and emotionally in a bad place BEFORE he went inside…I have no idea what to write him about and that it makes sense to him… I don’t think it would be good to ignore his situation, but at the same time I don’t think he wants to read about it… I cannot only write to him about what it’s like out here because, again, I wonder if it is good to remind him of how good it feels to be free… I mean I worry that I might destabilize him even more.We offered to go and visit him in prison, since his mother told us that she couldn’t bring herself to do it, but with the pandemic, only family can visit him. So that’s out of the question.There’s another very big problem. He’s aware of how hypocritical his parents can be and I am their friend. His parents are obsessed with being “good” friends and neighbors and “helping out” others and they often create co-dependant relationships where they make themselves indispensable for others AND then complain about how everyone is “using them”. We have managed to avoid this. But I understand that they have done the same thing with their kids, one way or another. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard them criticize people for the very same thing they themselves were doing! They accuse their son of being “anarchic” but they themselves do not respect the law… only yesterday (and I know this is a small thing but illustrates well what I’m talking about) we were in our car together, she was sitting in the back, she told my husband that he didn’t have the right to stop for a second to let me out at that parking spot (which is reserved for “emergencies only”). But the doctor’s office was closed and she knew it, that’s her part that needs to criticize everyone. While she was saying this – I realized that later – she had no mask on her face. Actually she took it off the minute she entered our car, but we hadn’t noticed. And the law states that she HAS to wear it in other people’s cars. She and her husband see and find faults in everyone else but themselves. And I can only imagine what it did to their son. It’s much easier to be their friend than their child.I told you this, because, one of the last things she told us was that their son wasn’t supposed to end up in jail as a drug addict, he was supposed to be institutionalized, but that he had a bad lawyer – state appointed one. Now, let me be very clear on this, when I talked about co-dependency they have with their son too, they pay his bills (rent, gas, doctor’s…) and they just let him go with the state appointed lawyer? All the while this was happening (and we knew nothing about it) in June, they were spending tens of thousands on (what turned out to be, in their own words) unnecessary home improvements and a car! I’m not saying that they should have paid for his lawyer, but I find it weird that they didn’t since they were paying for everything else. This was an opportunity to have him committed to an institution here he could have gotten help, instead he was sent to jail. They didn’t even have a rationale “let him hit the rock bottom”. This whole situation with his son form the very beginning is just above their capabilities. They have many qualities, but unfortunately they didn’t help them be good parents, especially not to a kid with problems. The mother also has severe mood swings and was on an occasion put on some mood-stabilizing meds. We didn’t know all this when we were building our relationship with them. Their daughter is depressed too. And she talks about it, but she is functional. She’s a “good girl” doing what is expected of her.What do I say to that man? I don’t know him that well. I have no idea what to write him about… I want to tell him that he still has time to turn his life around. That not all is lost. That he CAN make better choices. That he CAN get better. That he needs help and support. That he has many qualities…. But I don’t want to upset him. I don’t know what his parents have been telling him and I don’t want to sound like them. I don’t want to write anything about their relationship but I want to let him know that he can tell me anything he wants… because I certainly wouldn’t tell them anything unless he wanted me too.There are many people who DID turn their lives around. But even before jail they were driven. Maybe in the wrong direction with wrong ambitions, but they were doing something… He’s not driven and he’s not doing anything. The young man I’m talking about here is just “floating”… he has no idea what he’s good at. He hasn’t developed his skills and interests when most of usually do. I don’t think he even knows what is wrong with him. He just feels the consequences an is unable to lead a “normal” life. Since he likes to read, I found some books to send him… they are unrelated to his condition (prison and addiction).We don't blame the mother for putting us in this position. She told us they are talking on the phone when he has privileges. Although I don't know if his son wants to see her or not. She told us she didn't have the strength to go see him. we understand that she wants to lessen his suffering the only way she knows how, by asking us/me to write to him.I’m sorry for this long post and thank you for your advice!
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ambition, anorexic, depressed, in jail, money, period, tattoo Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (12 September 2020):
 I find it strange that this is so important to you. How do you usually spend your time and why give some of it to this? This seems to be very time consuming yet pointless.Some people like to feel important. Like a knight in shining armour come along to save someone. There was a famous serial killer in the UK who had family problems, which were at least partly to blame for the way she turned out, but there was a family who swooped and said they would adopt her. It became their life to tell everyone how kind they are. They spent more time on boasting about it than actually helping her or visiting her. In a peverse way they became famous for doing nothing. They used this poor serial killer (if you knew who it was you would know she had a terrible childhood) to make themselves feel important. In their case this also included appearing on television and doing interviews for the Press, then writing a book.It seems to me that this is very similar.If you are keen on helping someone why not be more selective about who and how, so that the time is put to better use and it actually helps the other person. You are not going to change this young man, he will still be in trouble and wasting his life for years to come.Surely you have already figured this out?
A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (10 September 2020):
You could spend a lot of time thinking about this, talking about it and posting about it but where does it get you or him? Unless you are determined to look good and try to be seen as helpful to the parents there is nothing else that can be gained by it.Let us be honest you have no training in how to deal with offenders and are from a different generation. Your letters will not help this man one bit, and may well do the opposite and upset him or wind him up instead.When they asked you to do this you should have said no. Now they will expect you to follow through.This is one of the problems with supposedly helping someone. You bite off more than you can chew and then when you see it for yourself it is too late, then you have to waste more and more time following through (to look good to the parents) knowing it is futile.Why is it so important to please the parents? These are parents who cannot be bothered to visit their own son. They are not friends and you hardly ever seen them.Their son is their problem, let them support him.Sometimes the best way to help is to do nothing, it is better than making things worse or wasting time.If you want to help someone who is in prison then why not join up with one of the penfriendship services where you can select someone of similar type and age to write to?That would be putting your time to good use - hopefully.It sounds as if his parents want anyone and everyone they can talk about it to to step in and would ask just anyone to help, which is not wise. It is often better to have just one person help, one who knows what they are doing, than dozens of others.The son will probably continue to be a drug user and abusive to people, whether people write to him or not. But let the prison and professionals deal with that.What happens if you write to him and/or visit him, he gets in a worse and more serious situation later, and you get the blame? You could be accused of giving him bad advice or not being there for him when he needed his new friends. I am sure that the parents would expect you to speak to him and then go to them and tell them every word you said and he said. They would go over it with a fine tooth comb and may find fault with how you should not have said this and should have said that. Yet they will not go themselves!This is not the sort of thing where you can be there for him one minute, remove yourself for ages and then go back to it afresh. It is not like turning the television on and off when it suits you. It trickles through to you in some state or form every day.Do you have children? If any of them were incarcerated through their own fault would you expect people you barely know to go and visit them? It is not normal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): There are plenty of ways the prisoner's parents can help him without trying to pass it on to you, almost strangers. How selfish of them. It was naive of you to listen to all of their woes and agree to go. If you do not go now you have hurt and let them down, if you only go once or twice and stop you have led them on and that is worse than not going at all. You should think more carefully before you agree to such things and whether or not you are up to the task and have the time before you say yes.If the parents find it emotionally draining to go then that is hard luck. It is part of being a parent. They cannot pick and choose which parts of the son's life are good enough for them and which nasty bits they throw in the bin or pass on to unlucky strangers. They brought him up, he has turned out the way he is at least partly due to them. Let them reap the good and bad of it.Many prisons have prison visitors who do it as an unpaid charitable act, idea for guys with no other visitors.They are trained and know what they are doing. They go there to visit various people on the same day, not especially just for one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): It sounds as if these people presume you have a lot of time on your hands and don't know what to do with it. You are spending more time on this person you do not know than many spend on close friends. You have already spent a lot of time discussing it with them and sharing it with us. All before you have even done something worth doing.
Perhaps these people thought you were being nosey and wanted to change the subject. Maybe they believe their son is a total waste of space and palmed you off on him.
He would not hesitate to say if he thinks you are interfering or nosey where they might. They probably think that you will never get around to writing to him anyway.
As is the case with most people who say they are going to help someone you are out of your depth - there is no way you can help this guy - and you spend more time talking about it and boasting about it than doing it. People who really want to help others tend to just do it, not spend hours and hours telling others, what a waste of time. And let us be honest, the best that can happen here is that this guy gets a few letters, wow!
What really gets me is that you need to ask us what to do next. You cannot even work that out. Yet I am sure you will be offering advice to these parents and this guy, despite being out of your depth with your own small part.
Is this the only way you get a chance to feel important in the World?
It reminds me of a woman I used to sort of know about locally. She used to turn up on the doorstep of people she did not know who lived near her. She would ask whoever opened the door how long they had been there, if they were married, any kids and all sorts? She was nosey. Then when the chat run dry and they would not invite her in or she run out of questions she would go telling everyone that she had gone there to help them.
Help? How was it helpful to them to get them to chat to her and find out what she can? She went there because her life is empty and boring and she is lonely, not to help. When she came around my place and started with her questions I made up a lot of silly answers. She asked me how many children I have - I said twenty. That is what you get for assuming that my life is an open book for all to know. It was clear she wanted to be able to pop back and forth whenever her life was empty.But in her superior way she made out she was doing people some sort of free public service!
The prison could easily organise for him to sign up to have people write to him - where the organisation matches him up with others of the same ilk, same age group or whatever. And they do that efficiently.
That would make a lot more sense and be far quicker.
What are you trying to achieve here? Is this about pleasing the parents because it will not do a thing for the young guy - common sense tells you that.
I write to clients and staff every day. IF I had to stop and think and ask for advice before I write to someone I would never get anything done. Either you are a natural letter writer or you are not. If you are not then leave it and stick to things you are good at or motivated to do. If you need advice from others on how to do it then you are not doing it at all, you are passing it on to them to do for you.
I can just imagine that you spend less than an hour on penning this guy something which is full of nothing.
Elevator chat. Then you get loads of mileage out of patting yourself on the back and telling them about it.
But they are his parents. They brought him into the World. They are obliged to support him, not you.
And I am sure they have other family and closer friends.
He must have his own friends. So why do you get involved?
If you are so keen on helping people there are plenty of ways you can help others. Personally I would start with people who help themselves, not those who break the law and attack doctors.
If his own parents cannot be bothered to visit their son why did you offer to? Get a life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): It sounds as if these people presume you have a lot of time on your hands and don't know what to do with it. You are spending more time on this person you do not know than many spend on close friends. You have already spent a lot of time discussing it with them and sharing it with us. All before you have even done something worth doing.
Perhaps these people thought you were being nosey and wanted to change the subject. Maybe they believe their son is a total waste of space and palmed you off on him.
He would not hesitate to say if he thinks you are interfering or nosey where they might. They probably think that you will never get around to writing to him anyway.
As is the case with most people who say they are going to help someone you are out of your depth - there is no way you can help this guy - and you spend more time talking about it and boasting about it than doing it. People who really want to help others tend to just do it, not spend hours and hours telling others, what a waste of time. And let us be honest, the best that can happen here is that this guy gets a few letters, wow!
What really gets me is that you need to ask us what to do next. You cannot even work that out. Yet I am sure you will be offering advice to these parents and this guy, despite being out of your depth with your own small part.
Is this the only way you get a chance to feel important in the World?
It reminds me of a woman I used to sort of know about locally. She used to turn up on the doorstep of people she did not know who lived near her. She would ask whoever opened the door how long they had been there, if they were married, any kids and all sorts? She was nosey. Then when the chat run dry and they would not invite her in or she run out of questions she would go telling everyone that she had gone there to help them.
Help? How was it helpful to them to get them to chat to her and find out what she can? She went there because her life is empty and boring and she is lonely, not to help. When she came around my place and started with her questions I made up a lot of silly answers. She asked me how many children I have - I said twenty. That is what you get for assuming that my life is an open book for all to know. It was clear she wanted to be able to pop back and forth whenever her life was empty.But in her superior way she made out she was doing people some sort of free public service!
The prison could easily organise for him to sign up to have people write to him - where the organisation matches him up with others of the same ilk, same age group or whatever. And they do that efficiently.
That would make a lot more sense and be far quicker.
What are you trying to achieve here? Is this about pleasing the parents because it will not do a thing for the young guy - common sense tells you that.
I write to clients and staff every day. IF I had to stop and think and ask for advice before I write to someone I would never get anything done. Either you are a natural letter writer or you are not. If you are not then leave it and stick to things you are good at or motivated to do. If you need advice from others on how to do it then you are not doing it at all, you are passing it on to them to do for you.
I can just imagine that you spend less than an hour on penning this guy something which is full of nothing.
Elevator chat. Then you get loads of mileage out of patting yourself on the back and telling them about it.
But they are his parents. They brought him into the World. They are obliged to support him, not you.
And I am sure they have other family and closer friends.
He must have his own friends. So why do you get involved?
If you are so keen on helping people there are plenty of ways you can help others. Personally I would start with people who help themselves, not those who break the law and attack doctors.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): I agree with other aunts on one point – She didn’t have the right to ask you to write to her son in prison. You are not family. Even if you were HIS friend, she wouldn’t have the right to ask. What she’s asking is for you to do HER JOB as a parent. I don’t know if what you’re saying is right, but the people you’re describing do sound as if they act hypocritically and also nosey and demanding.You say that you and your husband have placed some boundaries. Maybe you started, but they are not finished yet. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have asked such a thing so out of the blue. If she really respected you, being so upfront as you say that she is, she would have talked to you about it sooner without any demands. Now she just wants to USE you, because the situation surpasses her. I understand that she wouldn’t see the situation in the same light. But the fact remains that they “vent their laundry” in the open when it suits them. You have a higher tolerance for these people, that is why they feel comfortable acting that way with you. You need to think about how normal (or acceptable if you will) is their behavior and why are you tolerating it.The fact that she laid her problems the way she did tells me that she maybe doesn’t have anyone else in that village. You don’t say much about the community itself. Maybe it’s deserted? Or, maybe, your friends managed to alienate some people (physically) closest to them by the behavior you mention. I wouldn’t be surprised. If they really form co-dependant relationships, it means that they “prey” on people for whom they think “need their help” (meaning they will be able to manipulate if need be) and what could be more needy from their perspective than two people who are outsiders. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, that is how they may have perceived you.I don’t think it’s the first time you got sucked in other people’s problems. You need to realize that it’s your decision to do so. People will try, of course they will! Why wouldn’t they want to put at least some of their burden on someone else. Recently I read Jane Fonda had said that she too suffered from the “disease to please”. If that’s your case too, you need to learn that you have the right to say NO without explaining why. You don’t have to have “schedule conflicts” to refuse people when they ask something that you don’t want to do.It’s understandable you don’t know what to say to that young man. You DON’T KNOW him. He’s NOT YOUR responsibility on any level. He’s not the son you’ve just learned you had. You may feel compassion (unlike empathy, compassion includes the desire to help), but are you equipped to help? Well-wishing is not enough. The young man you describe has some serious issues and he needs professional help. Even if you were a professional (doctor, psychologist), the best you could do would be refer him to one of your colleagues.Now, to really answer your question. If you still want to contact him, send him the books you mentioned, maybe even find some puzzles (crosswords, Sudoku…). That’s how he’ll know that there are people who wish him well and that he’s not forgotten. When it comes to writing a letter, maybe send a few words, but keep it simple (I know that this is vague). Maybe he won’t answer and you’d be “off the hook”. And if he does, at least you’ll know where “the conversation” is headed.I know that in order to keep friends, as the saying goes, we need to “shut both eyes”, but you need to set boundaries. You need to accept that it’s ok not to be “nice” according to other people standards. It’s unfair in the first place of them to impose their standards on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): You seem to be far too knowledgeable and involved in the most intricate of details in this family's personal-life.
If I didn't know better, I'd venture to speculate a lot was discovered through gossip. People just aren't that forthcoming and candid with outsiders about the skeletons in their closets. It just doesn't seem like the kind of info you easily share; if you don't want your family-secrets circulated through the neighborhood grapevine. You criticize these people like nobody's-business; so I find it very difficult to believe they are so unguarded with people who aren't really their closest of friends. It seems so uncharacteristic of small-town villagers! Everybody knows everybody, but nobody shares their darkest-secrets with newcomers!
Why be so hypocritical by pretending to be empathetic, while being so harshly critical of them?
You'd be better-off minding your own business. Let them contact their son, and go visit him. You know nothing about this guy; and they might be using you to lessen their own burden of dealing with him. If he's as unstable and troubled as you claim, why on earth would you go get yourself mixed-up in such a mess???
Send him books and greeting cards. No letters! You're not in his age-group; and you don't share the least bit in-common. This guy is violent, and he hasn't received any kind of professional-therapy, evaluation; or mental-health counseling. At least, according to your post. If you know that much, seems you'd know better than to get too involved.
He shouldn't be treated as a throw-away person; but I think you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. I can't see what kind of friendship you can maintain with people you're so highly critical of. It makes no sense to me. It comes across so "busybody-ish" and insincere! Your sympathies might be more effective sent from a safe-distance. You don't know their son, and you're much older than he is. At best, receiving anything from you would come across as extremely weird. You're total strangers, who have nothing to do with his life. His mother's request was inappropriate and makes no sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): HiYou are way too much involved with trying to save somebody, look! some times we have to taker personal responsibility and save ourselves (I am not been insensitive, I care very deeply for the human race) but we all get bad knocks in life, some harder than others but you just have to get up and move forward, yes, assistance is good but seriously sometimes too much mommy coddling is damaging.Let him be and let mum and dad solve their own problems out. He's in clink because the Judge saw this fit for his punishment. I would not be too sure if Mom is trying to burden you with her problem son, she's winding you in hook line and sinker in my opinion. She just has not the strength to see him, truth is she does not WANT too, it's far easier if you do. You know too much about this family and all its dysfunctions, and practically have a label for every one of them. Your need for involvement concerns me more than the jailbird story.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 September 2020):
 I'm kinda with Code Warrior on this.
I would not know WHAT to write and whatever I "would" write would be impersonal and weird because I don't know the guy.
I would instead just tell her that it doesn't feel right to do. The end.
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