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What do I say to her to prove I’m genuinely sorry?

Tagged as: Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 November 2018) 16 Answers - (Newest, 6 November 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I’m here for advice and I’m looking for advice and don’t know what to do. I came across a female on a dating app who I really liked and we share things in common. there’s were going great until I said to her you’re ignoring me and now she is giving me a taste of my medicine. I’m not sure what to say to her. she hasn’t blocked me on the dating thing or on facebook.

I’d really appreciate the advice as to what to do and how I can get and prove to her I’m genuinely sorry, I know how dumb it sounds to some, she’s making it into a big thing when it’s not, I only misjudged the situation that’s all. I’ve been hurt in the past and women haven’t been as kind to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m a kind and caring person, we all make mistakes in life, I just want to fix this, we are just mates and nothing else.

help please

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

You are thinking and over thinking.

You got annoyed and sent a 'why are you ignoring me?' message.

Perhaps you even said something a tad worse like calling her a 'b****.

But then you had regrets and wanted to apologise.

Stop right there!

This is all in your head.

She didn't want the first message and she doesn't want the apology.

She isn't thinking the same way as you.

She isn't going to be your girlfriend and she wasn't your

girlfriend.

You were trying to be friends.

But you have different lives and she was busy and you got annoyed.

Its not something you can repair.

Its just not a good enough friendship for either of you or you would both be still communicating.

I think you are trying to move too fast and expect too much from someone you scarecly know.

Wait for the girl who needs to know so much more about you.

And then be very consistently nice to her.

If you get annoyed no one will stick around to find out why.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

Nobody is trying to intimidate you. You’ve been asked questions you haven’t answered and you’ve asked for advice you won’t respond to. You were demanding of a friendship that wasn’t established properly yet. Now she’s potentially being childish or just isn’t interested in being friends with someone who behaves the way you have. That’s fine; you can’t win them all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018):

She doesn't sound the one. You'd think adults would be able to speak out and open but not the case. Go to the next one she sounds immature

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018):

thank you fatherly advice, some on here are trying to intimidate me.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (5 November 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI'm going to put my foot into this and go against the advice you have been getting.

What you have here is a controlling personality (not you, her) Her method of control is passive aggressive.

To deliberately misquote anonymous female. If you fail to judge a woman who is like that, you will wish you were alone forever.

Don't go back to her. Your future with her is only pain.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 November 2018):

N91 agony auntYou’ve blown it, you came across as too needy and pushy when you barely know each other. If a girl told me I was ignoring her when I hadn’t replied for a while I’d have the exact same reaction.

Learn from this and don’t do this again in future. People will reply when they want to and if it takes them a long time then you’re clearly not high on their list of priorities. Let this one go and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018):

Look again..find someone else.learn from this.Do not get so emotionally invested in someone so quickly like that...it will scare them off as it comes off as controlling.Take your time.If I was her it would have been a major red flag.Never judge a woman like that or you will be alone forever.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (5 November 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntQuestions:

- Why did you feel she was ignoring you?

- How long had you been talking before you accused her of ignoring you?

- How is she giving you a taste of your own medicine?

- Why are you just friends with someone on a dating site?

- Have you been to therapy about your relationship hang-ups?

- Why did your past hurt by women surface if you're just friends?

- What are you doing to work on your hang-ups?

- What do you have to offer the friendship?

- Why are you on the dating site?

- What do you have to offer a relationship?

Honestly, give it time. That said, the chances of fixing it are pretty slim because you jumped the gun and it's suffocating. If it was a mistake, learn from it and move on.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (4 November 2018):

Ciar agony auntI don't know that you can 'fix this'.

You got very comfortable with this woman very quickly. Comfortable enough to make demands and accusations. She's not making into anything. Those three words spoke volumes and what she's likely thinking is that you're desperate and high maintenance.

My suggestion is you cut your losses and learn from this. Pace yourself when you're getting to know someone. Being nice and getting along does not mean you're ideal life partners.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

I haven’t apologised yet to her youcannotbeserious.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

she’s making into a big deal when it’s not honeypie, I’m only asking for advice, not to be belittled.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 November 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntRegardless of what has happened to you in the past, you are still responsible for what you do and say. If you carry on being so reactive to perceived slights in the future, this will turn into a "self fulfilling prophesy" scenario, with you effectively causing the rejection you dread.

I assume you have apologised to the lady in question? She has a right to ignore you if she wishes. In her place, I would probably do the same. She is not on a dating site to get grief from someone with a sense of entitlement. If you are already accusing her of ignoring you, how would you be if you two ever got into a relationship? If she was the one writing in, I would be advising her to block you and move on.

We can do whatever we want in life but we have to remember that EVERYTHING we do has consequences and comes with a price. The price you are paying for your hasty words is that she has backed off and is probably no longer interested in keeping in contact. She knows very little about you so cannot put your accusation into perspective.

In your shoes I would back off and leave her to decide for herself whether she wants to have any further contact with you. She may decide further down to the line to contact you again, or she may not. If she does, the you need to learn your lesson and not make unreasonable demands on her. If she doesn't, then you still need to learn your lesson and not repeat the same behaviour with other people you contact.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

I didn’t want to make it into a long novel, I perhaps should have as you would have more details to go on. wanted to keep it brief and to the point. you raised a good point I didn’t include more and I’m not saying I disagree with you on that wiseowle. basically what happened was there was a period of time she didn’t reply. me being me, and getting the wrong end of the stick made an error of judgment and a bad one with that being said. I didn’t do it on purpose or deliberately but because I panicked and after I sent that the damage was already done. I haven’t messaged her yet to apologise but I am thinking about it and don’t know what to say to her at the same time, I said to her she was ignoring me because she wasn’t replying as promptly and lost patience with her.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with WiseOwlE

You are on a dating site NOT to make friends/mates but to look for a suitable partner.

Now you can do the whole, sorry if I offended you thing, but in the bigger picture what's the point?

Who says she is making a big deal out of it? Maybe she has just decided that you are too much drama and moved on without blocking or deleting you. Just because you have chatted a bit online doesn't mean you KNOW her. Or that SHE is looking to keep talking to a guy she doesn't think would be a potential date.

As for bringing up your past unpleasant dealing with OTHER women, well sorry OP it doesn't matter. SHE is not one of these past women who hurt you and if you expect EVERY new women to put up with shit from you because you got hurt in the past, you will have a VERY long and lonely road ahead.

JUST AS you don't HAVE to put up with crap from women.

Don't OVERTHINK someone you are "talking" to online's actions and jump the gun. If the conversations seem to die down, well it CAN be because she is LOOKING for someone to date not "talk" to, or she is busy with life, friends, family, work, talking to OTHER people. It only means if they seem to back away, look elsewhere.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 November 2018):

What other women did to you in the past has no bearing on what she's doing to you in the present. You learn from the past, but you don't drag the baggage with you.

Explain to us, so we will fully understand why you told her she was ignoring you? Don't leave-out details fearing we will side with her. How can we give you sensible advice without facts? Just that she is ignoring you. That could be for many reasons. Like she may have simply lost interest; and not blocking you doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't.

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve; it's immature. That means you will overreact; or be oversensitive to everything that doesn't go your way. Why would she ignore you, if you didn't offend her? Were you blowing-up her phone with with messages? Maybe you like her too much, and might be moving to aggressively?

You hardly know her, so don't take this so seriously. You'll come across as a little too desperate. In a simple and short message. "If I offended you, or messed-up in some way; I am truly sorry!" Not another word. Some people like playing games using the silent-treatment or passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate; or just out of sheer pettiness.

Don't bombard anyone with apologies and "I'm sorry's!"; because you can't force forgiveness out of them. Nor should you have to get on your hands and knees over petty little issues. People who put you through this are waving a giant red-flag! Telling you they like to manipulate and blow things out of proportion.

Slow your roll! Lighten-up! If you don't hear from her again; it wasn't meant to be, and she's just not that into you. Let's be a grown-up about this. Shed more light on why you indicated to her she was ignoring you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

Have you messaged her to apologise? If she is still ignoring you then maybe that ship has sailed. Or given time she might get back in touch. I think the more you pursue her, the worse it might make it. Say what you have said to us here, that you just want to fix things, and then leave it at that. You can't MAKE her communicate. Also I don't believe you when you say you are only mates, at least on your side. Emotions are running too high for that.

In future don't jump to bad conclusions about people when you don't actually know what has happened and then verbalise it to them. Ask if they're ok, say that things are a bit quiet their end, say that kind of thing instead of a pouty, clingy accusation.

You say that it's not a big thing and she's making it into one. I think that might be some of your problem right there. You think that you can throw a little hissy fit at her and she should be ok with it. But as you said you've learned your lesson.

Fingers crossed for you.

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