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How do I make my intentions known without coming across as creepy?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 November 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 6 November 2018)
A male United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi this may seem trivial but I have not long gotten out of a long term relationship nearly 10 years. But I have no idea how to express interest in another woman it's been that long. There is one I am really interested in but 130 miles sepertes us.

My question is I suppose. How do I make my intentions know with out coming across creepy?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe start by joining some social groups. If you are into hiking or photography or theater or dance or whatnot.

Get out there and SOCIALIZE with people you don't know. Men and women. Then it will COME back to you.

I wouldn't pursue a women who lives far away from you. while it's lovely to have someone to talk to online, I think getting out and meeting new people is better. It's so easy to get isolated and just sticking to "online" friendships. But that doesn't mean you can't talk to her and enjoy he company.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018):

Be honest.Tell whatever woman you choose the truth.Do not be so nervous it will all come back to you.Go slow.Wait at least a year before you let her know your kids so as not to confuse them.There is someone for everyone.Do not be too needy.Try parent groups at your kids school.Be friends for a while before you date.Never judge or tell a woman what to do.I think you will be ok.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States +, writes (5 November 2018):

Miss.Cupid agony auntJust take it slow get to know them, talking to them through out the day ask what they're doing how they're doing. Show you care and it will slowly possible transition to something more.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 November 2018):

Sorry for typos!

[EDIT]:

"I learned just being visible, naturally charming, and receptive; allowed me to form romantic-connections."

"Don't make anything a mission, get some joy out of it."

P.S.

If you're getting along with your ex; suddenly producing someone she knew from the past as your romantic-partner is stirring-up a hornet's nest. No, you don't need her approval; and it's none of her business. You do share children; so why create unnecessary conflicts of interest?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 November 2018):

Okay, now I understand. You have to follow your own instincts and use your common-sense. Dating isn't rocket science. It's biology! It's also psychology!

You don't forget how to be nice to people, and how to speak intelligently. I lost my partner of 28 years to cancer. Becoming suddenly single, I felt awkward; so I just gave myself some time to get my head right first. I was always conscious of the possibility that loneliness might take hold; and I might become anxious or desperate. Seeking someone mainly for the purpose of avoiding loneliness; and searching for a replacement of what was lost. I was celibate for a spell.

I first tackled regaining my independence. I made sure seeking romance wasn't for the purpose of finding serial-attachments for the sake of dependency; or needing other people to prop me up. I had to run under my own steam; but I went on dates, and enjoyed making friends. It didn't always have to be romantic-attachments.

I learned just being visible, naturally charming, and receptiv; allowed me to form romantic-connections. I relied on good-character and sincerity as a person. After a series of weirdos, I found someone. Great person, but it didn't last. I got blind-sided and dumped. At least it reignited my passions; and restored my capacity to be loving and affectionate. I needed practice, and my dormant emotions were revived; so that brief relationship had a useful purpose. I made many new friends, and reconnect with old ones. My family filled the void, when I felt lonely. I have never been driven by sex; although I have a healthy libido.

I prefer monogamy, and some intellectual-stimulation in my relationships. Seeking random conquests and promiscuity has never been my style. Never really worried about finding sex-partners. That was often too easy. That's the problem these days. So yes, it took me some time to get my groove back. What's the rush? Anything done in haste usually winds-up in a mess! You're also a father. Don't make anything mission, get some joy out of it.

Take your time. Pursuing the former female-acquaintance; because you think it's easier due to her familiarity, is fishing in a barrel. Yes, you could come across as creepy. She knows your wife and family. She will also know that you're basically seeking her, because you figure she'd be lesser of a challenge; than trying to break the ice and connect with someone you didn't know. Not to mention, being 130 miles away! She wouldn't even expect you to travel that much distance when she hasn't heard anything from you for six years! Here you come wanting to offer her romance?

Much too awkward, weird; and yes, creepy!

It takes practice getting back into pursuing romance. Trial and error. Challenge yourself! If you have kids to take care of; don't be squeezing an LDR into your life. Forcing yourself to make choices between seeing your kids; and crossing distance to spend time with someone your ex once knew. I mean, seriously?!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To add a little bit extra. The children would be staying with me and Im potentially going to be seeking custody.

When I say game I dont mean playing games. I mean that I've forgotten how gain a woman's interest and keep it.

With regards to the relationship that I've come out off. It has been over for years we haven't slept in the same bed and sex was very infrequent

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 November 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe best advice I can give you is that women don't want someone they feel is playing a "game". They prefer a guy who is genuine and just himself. There is no need for patter, no need for flirting. Just be yourself. Show an interest in the lady you are talking with. Ask her questions about herself and LISTEN to the answers. THAT will get you a lot further than flirting.

Given that you have 3 children with your ex partner, I assume you want to stay in the area so as to have contact with your children. Therefore, the lady who lives 130 miles away isn't really a viable option for a relationship (at least until your children are older, unless you are thinking of a long distance relationship, which is never ideal).

Give yourself time to get over the break up of your previous relationship so you can commit wholeheartedly to a new relationship. Then just talk to ladies you meet like they are your friends. Ask them how they are, listen to what they have to say, show interest in them and their lives and that will show you to be a nice genuine guy.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Reading answers its obvious I didn't elaborate enough. The relationship ended because I was left to deal with the 3 children tidy the house and do the shopping. While she done practically nothing. She would dry the girls after a bath and do their hair for school.

The relationship was long over before it actually was. We ended on good terms and are still in contact.

The woman I have interest in also has children and I have known her for around 11 years although we haven't spoke for at least 6. I have recently reconnected with her but we rarely speak. I have kind off accepted that its just more of an online crush that will probably nothing will come from.

But my main question is how do I get my "game" back ive actually forgotten how to flirt and interact with women that I find attractive.

Coming of creepy is a concern because. Well I don't want to appear like a creep I was never any good a flirting and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 November 2018):

[EDIT]:

"First assess your feelings to make sure you're completely over your ex; and you're not feeling rebound-attraction out of your loneliness and desperation."

Post script:

If you are trying to romantically connect with someone who knows you are very recently ending a relationship. She would be wise to avoid or be cautious with you; and she should be concerned about how quickly you are able to recover. It would also leave the question of how it ended in the first-place?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 November 2018):

[EDIT]:

"If you tracked her down somehow, or obtained contact information through a third-party; it would be very creepy!"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 November 2018):

You have not long gotten out of a 10-year relationship. Have you given yourself enough time to get-over that relationship? Is your breakup due to this endeavor to make a connection with this person? Why on earth would creepiness be a concern?

Why are you being so intense? What kind of intentions are you trying to get across? Why are you crossing 130 miles with these intentions?

Long-distance relationships are very stressful, and you've just ended a relationship. Your desperation might be sending you on a rebound mission. So you have to use some reason and logic to make sure you don't place undue pressure on yourself, or the recipient of these so-called intentions.

We get hundreds of posters trying to figure long-distance into a meaningful-relationship. You're at the stage of trying to initiate something shortly after ending another relationship. Emotionally, this could be a risky venture; if your feelings are still raw, or you haven't fully recovered from your loss and grief.

If you simply want to get to know her better, just say so. Why do you assume she would think you had questionable or bad intentions? Does your reputation proceed you? Does she know your ex?

First assess your feelings to make sure you're completely over your ex; and you're not feeling rebound-attraction out loneliness and desperation.

Consider how the distance will hamper your chances of demonstrating that you may want something romantic that could lead to something serious. If you tracked her down somehow, or obtain contact information through a third-party; it would be very creep! In fact, quite scary in-deed!

If you are feeling too much pressure and anxiousness over her; give yourself time to calm down before attempting anything. If she has previously refused your advances, or shows very little interest; don't go out of your way on a mission to persuade someone who lives so many miles away.

She may feel the distance far more than she's willing to deal with. If that is the case, I think she's wise.

In any case, "easy does it!" Too much intensity is the only thing that would make you come across as "creepy!" If she is considerably younger or older than you, and if that matters to her; or if your previous advances were rejected. Maybe it is best you back-off and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018):

You don't mention at all what the situation is between the two of you. Have you met her? Do you meet socially at all? Or is it online?

Also, what ARE your intentions?

Just approach the situation by being friendly, showing an interest in her life and what she enjoys doing. Start and maintain a connection with her. I am now assuming that this is all online as you know the distance that separates you.

If I'm wrong and you two do actually meet in social situations, then say hi and offer to buy her a drink or ask how she is.

You should be able to ascertain whether there is any interest on her part to meet with you/talk to you. If she replies to your messages quickly and with interest or if she is happy to talk with you, then you'll know that your interest is welcome. If not, then you'll know. As conversations progress and you get to know what her interests are, then invite her to something you might be going to that she might enjoy, the cinema or theatre or museum, exhibition, whatever. Keep your distance from her physically though, until you get some strong signals from her that she likes you a lot.

Then a light touch to draw her attention to something, touch her arm in passing while you're talking to her. Smile a lot and let her see that you enjoy her company. The rest will all follow naturally in time.

Leave it to her to set the pace. The men who I know are the most successful with women, DO NOT try ANYTHING. They are affectionate and attentive and fun. The woman will then make a move towards you when she is ready.

There is one observation from your short post that I noticed which was that you said, 'There is one that I am interested in'. It would have sounded a whole lot nicer and better if you had not referred to her as 'one' like an object, but 'there is one woman that I am interested in'. That might sound inconsequential to you, but be assured it isn't.

Little things like that might be letting slip how you feel about women on the whole. And the fact that you suspect that your intentions might be read as 'creepy'. Why would you think that?

Think of her as another human being who shares this planet with you and whom you would like to get to know better....that's all. Take it step by step.

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