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41-50,
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writes: Friends with 'some' benefits situation: here goes:Nov 2012: approached him, started to hang out with him, told him I liked him, he told me he liked me too. Started to send flirty text messages daily. Saw him 2wice a week. Very sexually attracted to each other.Dec 2012: Still hanging out 2 x a week ( just at gym/ coffee shops) and texts continue. Think it was around this time I asked him what he wanted exactly - his reply was 'fun' , and meet up a couple of times a week go cinema or for a few drinks etc - is this dating? But he said firmly he did not want a relationship. End of dec it got physical, but no sex as I don't fancy catching any stds if hes messing around with anyone else. Although he got out a condom to use - which is where I stopped him, he said fine. I know they don't provide 100% protection so wanted to be safe than sorry. I didn't explain as I thought it was too in depth. Anyway a few days later I broke it off as I had a change of mind. But only to change it back again :s It took him a couple of weeks to agree but he did and it was back to normal - maybe a few less texts though.Jan 2013: met up just once a week for coffee and things seemed good. No physical jnteractions this month though- hes always very busy!Feb: beg of month got together and he tried again to make me give him oral which I wouldn't do - again because of stds. Didnt try for sex though. Texts continue and so does coffee once a week. We were texting back and forth about what we'd like to do to each other and he brought up oral sex and sex again. So thought I'd better just tell him I don't do those kind of things if other people r involved. He said fine with me. I then asked what was fine 'that we wouldn't have other people involved or that it's fine if I didn't wanna do those things?' He replied back with 'sounds too involved. Just leave it for now.' So I did, only for him to initiate contact again just 4 days later. I didn question anything, I realise he doesn't owe me an explanation, and if things were back 2 normal it doesn't matter. Anyway we carry on as norm. A week or so later i sent a text asking did he want me send a pic to tempt him for another session he said he did. Few hrs later I said pic was on its way - dont think he believed, he replied 'promises, promises' I didn't send it but the day after I showed it to him on my phone, he thought I was joking about the pic to start with, but I said I'm not sending it to his phone. Anyway that night we got together again and he tried 'again' and asked me to give him oral. I didn't. We both know what I said before in that text, but I didn't repeat, didnt want to ruin the moment, so we just had a fumble around. In my books this arrangement is fine, but he seems to want more physically. I definitely would do more but not at the risk of my health an that's why I stated it as the reason just so we'd both be on the same page.March: texting does down a bit but he always replies to my texts, but not so much the sexual texts. One text I did send was 'when am I goin to get my hands on u again?' He replied 'never mind ur hands, what about ur lips?' So he seems to be pushing for more physically but he knows I won't if other people r involved. And I that means no sex that is fine with me, I'm happy enough at what we're doing, but don't think he is, but then it doesn't seem he'll sacrifice exclusivity for sex. Unless hes trying different tactics on me first to see if I'll give in. Like when he broke it off after me saying about other ppl, was it so that I'd agree to sleep with him if I see him walking away? He Mae back though - just 3-4 days later. We've still been meeting once a week for coffee and he always replied to my texts pretty quickly. I asked him the other day if he still wanted me to come to his house some time and he said he didn't know and that we'd discuss it over coffee - nxt week. I'm just wondering what there is to discuss. If he doesn't want to carry on then why wouldn't he just say like last time when he said 'leave it for now'. He knows I'll just leave it at that and won't question it. Or maybe hes not getting exactly what he wanted -sex- and wonders if its ever gonna happen. But he knows I won't do it in our current arrangement. What do u guys think he could want to discuss? Or could he be just formally telling me that he doesn't want to carry on with it? I know you'll prob thinking I'm over thinking this, I'm just trying to detail series of events as best I can so everyone can get a better idea of whats happened over the last 4 months. And why also would he have waited 4 months for sex?I posted my question only the other day but it got twisted as i didn't give it a title, so one was made up for it 'I want exclusivity with my fwb' which isn't right. If this guy wants sex so much with me I would do it only if we were exclusive. If hes happy how it is then so am I, if he wants to see other people that's fine with me. I just want to keep healthy. My main question to you all is what can he want 2 discuss? I want to be prepared for possible outcomes that's all. I do want to continue with it, as I feel a strong attraction to him, more than I've felt for years towards anyone. Thanks again guys :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): It's me here - the original poster, I deleted my account in the end. When I asked him if he's still interested he said he is, but went on to explain a close member of his family is ill in hospital and he didnt want me to think hes making excuses. However, this family member being in hospital happened since he said he wasn't sure, so I don't really know what he was going to say and don't really want to ask as hes got a lot on his mind.
I'm not really sure how to handle this now, maybe I do care more than I thought, but then I'd care for any friend who's got a sick parent.
Here's me hoping again - but if it was just physical he was interested in then wouldn't he have just said to leave things for now while hes got a lot on his plate and pick up where we left off when things have calmed down? He rarely has me over anyway, we just tend to meet up for a drink after work. He still seems interested, his body language tells me that.
Just have to see what happens I guess.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 So what did he want to talk about??? I'm curious to know where you two stand now.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
You want to continue seeing him while he continues to try to have sex with you knowing he does not want to commit to an exclusive relationship.
I can see nothing but heartbreak for you in this situation OP.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): Any man who asks a random female friend for oral sex has no respect for her at all.Any woman who offers to send 'risque' photos to a random male friend is a tease when she not putting out too.
HE will be having sex with whoever puts out,he has not waited,celibate for 4 months for you. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you so believe him.
You don't care how he treats you so you have no self respect,he asks for BJs and you still see him as a friend.
Doesnt matter what he wants to say you will still be teasing him, livin in hope, until you wake up to the truth.Hope that's soon
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 Maybe I am totally missing your point, but if you are going to meet this guy in just a few days, what's the point of this guessing game ? I may have my idea about what he could say- but it's just a guess , and it is only as good as yours, in fact less, because you know the guy and I don't. None of us can read his mind and tell you, yes 100% it will be so . So, why is it so vital for you to imagine in advance what he wants ? considering that you are, or at least you say you are , basically fine with all the possible options : a) he'll accept to be exclusive b) he'll want things to stay the same, the occasional non-penetrative fun and frolic c) he'll say thanks but no thanks, you need to move on.
Well, I can imagine option c ) is not very welcome to you, but , then again, 4 months of casual, physical encounters - it's not the love story of the century , and I am sure that you could get what he is providing you ( which is not much ) from mostly any guy around. In case you should lose him- it's not such an irreparable loss, trust us.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 Hi
He wants sex and you won't put out till your exclusive.
Neither of you is going to get what you want.
If he didn't bother you,you didn't care,he was simply a mate,you wouldn't be on here questioning and detailing every move and action he makes,you wouldn't even remember half of it.
Its clear your emotionally involved.
Only he knows what he wants to talk about so when he does talk, *listen* to him.
If it's more of the same then my advice would be to move on and look for a man who DOES want a relationship with you.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 March 2013):
 I remember reading your first post and thinking "oh no, she's going to get hurt", because you really like this guy and he's just not offering you what you want.
You can't coerce someone into something they don't want. Maybe coerce isn't the right word. You shouldn't expect something from someone if they can't or won't be able to provide it.
What you are asking him for is a relationship, not FWB. Dating with exclusivity and sex is a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship so I just can't see how this will work out.
The advise you got the other day wasn't skewed by the title of the question. At least I didn't think so. I thought you got some very good feedback.
I can only guess that he wants to discuss ending things as they are now because you want more than he can give, and you can't give him what he really wants (true no-strings sex). I hope I'm wrong. I really don't see him asking for a relationship, though.
No one knows if he's "waited" for 4 months for sex. He could be having sex with other people and be quite happy enjoying your company and fumbles, having his ego (and other things) stroked. It doesn't mean anything really, without knowing the intimate details of his life. Maybe he's a narcissist who loves the extra attention you give him?
I agree with Wiseowl that you seem like a sincere and giving person, and I'll also echo what someone else (forget who) told you in your first post that you don't seem cut out for FWB. That's not a bad thing; I question how many women really are cut out for FWB.
Good luck OP, I hope you don't get too disappointed whatever happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): I guess you will find out what he wants to discuss, when you sit down and actually talk to HIM. Why are you so concerned?
We can only speculate; and if we're wrong, it was just a waste of your time. We can't fill your head with a bunch of nonsense, only for you to get knocked over with something totally different from anything we've conjured up in you mind.
No matter what you title your post, and how you describe your encounters; there is no such thing as "exclusivity" in friends with benefits.
I really don't believe that you're happy with just cuddling. Nor do I believe that you're satisfied with the present arrangements you have between the two of you. You wouldn't have taken the time to write all this, and submit your post looking for answers. Not only once, twice! You're trying to convince yourself you okay with things as they are. NO you aren't!
You remain in denial. You really want to keep this guy to yourself; or you wouldn't set stipulations on the relationship that don't apply to being friends with benefits.
You say it is alright for him to be with other women. Then I question if you know the definition of the word "exclusive." How does it apply to friends with benefits? So you spend time together. That's what friends normally do.
Sex is the added component.
Well, you'll find out what it is he wants to say. If you're allowing us to guess, I'd say he'd like to introduce a third party into your sex games.
He may also want to know if you would still want to be friends, if he found someone he really cares for; and may be considering changing your relationship to strictly platonic. He could be bi-sexual, and would like a man in the mix.
He may be contemplating marriage to another woman, and he may want to give you fair notice; because things are about to change. He may want to reveal his HIV status.
You're not really wired for a FWB relationship. You are way too interested in this guy, and your anxiety in anticipation over what he is about to tell you is in total contradiction of everything you say.
Don't let the right guy for you pass you by, while you're holding out.
Whatever he tells you, I hope it doesn't hurt you. You seem like a sincere and giving person.
Best of luck!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 March 2013):
 It's amazing how persistent we guys can be when we think we've hooked a girl who we think will - ultimately - put out for us..... AND, by not telling us (him) to screw off, you are feeding his belief that he is going to get you in to bed, sooner or later....
Armed with these details.... make your own decision of whether or not to even speak/text/contact this guy, ever again.....
Good luck....
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 March 2013):
 You're playing a losing game.
You're trying to play hard to get in order to try and get him to want you more for a relationship than just sex. However, he doesn't want that, and he wants to simply use you for sex. There's no such thing as "exclusivity" when it comes to FWB, and you have no right to put that on as a stipulation. FWB is "No Strings Attached", and wanting him to be exclusive is a string. He's most likely wanting to discuss whether or not you're a FWB, because he's probably getting tired of you not having sex with him.
My advice is to end it with him and forget about him, because you're not going to get him to want you as anything more than a warm body to relieve his sexual urges with, and as such, if you continue to tease him, he'll grow bored and look elsewhere for someone who also wants a FWB.
If you want a relationship, this isn't your guy. Best to find someone who didn't tell you he's just out for fun and doesn't want a relationship, because your games won't change his mind and never will. He's pushing for physicality because that's the only thing an FWB is...people using each other for sex. Nothing more, nothing less. No strings, no promises, no feelings, no expectations.
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