A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What constitutes an emotional affair? Where's the fine line of being good friends versus having an emotional affair with a friend of the opposite sex. My fiancee and I were just discussing this and realized that some of our friends have not been married for more than 5 years and already are either separated or divorced due to allegations of having an affair with a close friend of theirs or someone at the office. The affair was not physical at first but after a year of spending countless times either by going out to lunch or dinner, spending more time with the other person than with the spouse...that lead to the road of the marriage dissolving.My fiancee has said that he does have female friends whom I have met. They are all nice people and I have no qualms about it. He has been very upfront with me and I'm the same way with him too. We have acknowledged that we may gain other friends from future networks but will be upfront with these new friends as far as our marital status...engaged and happily taken. But what about those who don't care if you're married and will do anything to get what they want...i.e. your fiancee/spouse. They don't necessarily tell you upfront, but sneak it upon you...like a friendly lunch, a helping hand, a ride home, and then on to bigger things like a back rub, a flirty smile or a tease..and then you have those late night talks on topics they have in common or they invite you to parties and ask that you don't invite your better half because of whatever reason. There's also those online friends who want to meet you in person and start making those flirty messages. He's also said that there are women who also have the same interests like "Star Trek" and have wanted to go to lunch and get to know him better. He said he would go out just for lunch but that would only be it - just lunch. I've told him that would make me uncomfortable because this would be someone he's never met in person before and how would he react if he sees her and she's much more attractive than I in all ways? What if she's much more intelligent, funnier, attractive, hot, cute...that could be the deciding factor to end a relationship. I'm not a trekkie and he is and he's been to conventions and have met nice people he'd like to get to know better. I have told him that sometimes, some women (and men) will use this opportunity to start something...dating or even to ask him for more...it may take a while as he starts having lunch with her but it only takes just one time to go and have lunch to start the spark. He's told me that girls have come on to him and he has said he's deleted them off his blog or ignored them or if he's taken an interest to them, he just talks but doesn't make it more than what they want it to be. He says he knows his limits - don't make it more than what it should be, no flirting, and just keeping it to straight talk. But regardless, there are opportunities out there for affairs to happen. When do you know you've been sucked under? Does going out to lunch make it an affair to begin with? We don't want to end up in divorce like our friends. We do love each other and communicate and go out on dates with each other. We've been seeing each other now for 3 years. Thank you for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thank you for your assistance. I think the reaon I'm so fully aware of all these things is because I'm surrounded by people who've been married, and only for a short time mind you, and have gotten into affairs. It's hard to believe watching two people so in love only to end their marriages due to other things along with having an affair with a close friend of the couple. I've been in a relationship in the past (luckily we never married) and he kept denying he was having an affair with a good friend of his. He kept telling me I should learn to trust him, I should mind my own business, or it would be that it was all my fault that the argument between us started (only because I had asked him if his so-called female friend needed a female friend to talk with (I was hinting at him if maybe she would like a female's perspective on the so called problems she was having (as he had mentioned))). He took advantage of my trust, he kept telling me that she needed him to help around her house, and they eventually had sex everyday to the point that she got pregnant with his child. He denied it but I called his bluff and he didn't answer but got upset with me and told me off. He stopped talking to me for months and then came back acting as if everything was fine. I didn't take him back. He was surprised considering this is what he always does. In the past he'd get upset and not talk to me for months then after a few months he'd call me and his greeting would always be "Hey baby!" This time I told him he must have gotten the wrong number cause my name's not baby. He was stunned and didn't know what to say. I asked him if there was something he needed to say and if not I had to go cause I had something to do (which was a lie). As you can see, my lack of trust grew from years of being with him. I lost my identity and my trust diminished with him flirting with other girls, him asking me if it would be okay if he dated other women, him treating me with disrespect cause I allowed him to. Fortunately, though I ended the cycle of being with a man who was sadistic with my trust and my love, I had met an awesome man whom I'm now engaged to and has been nothing but patient and loving and compassionate and understanding. He continually tells me he loves me and wants me to be very happy and well loved. With each day passing, I feel more love, but I have lapsed at times where he would stop, pick me up and tell me how much he loves me and is here always. We do have our fights and disagreements but we don't stop talking to each other for months. In fact, we talk to each other with loving words and hugs and kisses within an hour after our spat. I think for me, specifically, I need to work on building up my trust in others and try to move on from the past. That my past with the other guy does not dictate what my fiance will and is to be. Not all men are like my ex. It's hard for me cause I keep thinking otherwise when my fiance talks with other females online or at his condo (neighbors). I don't want to fear or not trust him everytime he talks to another female. And I definitely don't want to think that he's having an affair just because he's talking to a female friend. That's not a good thing. To be a wife, I need to trust my man...that's to keep myself sane and our home a warm and happy one. I want to have friends of his to come over and mine as well.
I think in order to prevent an affair to happen is exactly as you all have mentioned....is to trust each other, to communicate, to respect each other, to be each other's best friend and confidant. I think it's also important to also set aside date night and "we time" for each other and time with our friends.
Everyone's advice is till welcomed! For all of your advice given, I thank you. I truly appreciate all of you. Happy Holidays to all of you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I think that as long as there are no romantic gestures or feelings or thoughts, and no flirting it's OK. Flirting is courtship behavior, thus it should not be in an friendship interaction.
I have many more guy friends than I do girl friends and many of them I consider close like brothers.
But I have also been involved in an affair that started as only emotional but then became physical as well. To this day we both believe we were meant for each other but had by then already made past mistakes that we couldn't undo or extricate ourselves from (marrying the wrong people) and thus can never be together. I'm now trying to end this affair by emotionally distancing myself from my affair partner so that we are no longer each other's best friend, confidant, emotional support or anything. It is cruel, yes, but this is how you end an emotional affair - by doing to it on purpose what happens naturally in bad marriages i.e. starving it of emotional investment so that the relationship deteriorates.
Yes we started out as really good friends and over the course of a few YEARS it developed into more.
Yet I still have good guy friends that I have absolutely no feelings of potential attraction to.
There is a difference
In my opinion, there are several key points that cause a good friendship with the opposite sex to tip over into an emotional affair:
your marriage is already seriously ocky to begin with. You already harbor deep negative feelings toward your spouse and marriage. There is already emotional distance between you and your spouse. You already feel lack of respect and trust for your spouse due to ongoing marital problems. In other words, you and your spouse are already headed toward a break up as far as the relationship goes, not that you will actually divorce because once married there's so many other things that tie you down to each other even when your hearts are no longer in it - children, mortgages, health insurance, social pressure to stay a single family unit.
IMO this is THE most critical factor that puts you in danger for an emotional affair because this means that physically you're still in the same house with your spouse still married, but emotionally in your heart and mind you've already left them, you no longer consider them your best friend and confidante.
THis does not happen overnight. It may - like if you found out your spouse has been cheating on you then overnight it can change everything. But more commonly this deterioration in relationship happens very gradually, it's a slow erosion you hardly notice.
I made the mistake of not divorcing long ago when I was in this situation in my marriage. Instead I stayed married because of all the above "tied down" reasons and the belief that "good people" stay married no matter how much they hate it.
I now know this is WRONG. If you can't sincerely feel good about your spouse, staying married means you are mentally and emotionally "single" but not technically available i.e. if and when you do meet someone who could be The One for you, if you (and them) were single you'd be happily starting a new relationship and life. But you're not physically single even though mentally and emotionally you are. thus you find yourself in an emotional affair.
I think it's very possible to have good friends of the opposite sex but be at no risk for anything more to happen because they are just not "your type" and vice versa anyway so even if you were both single you wouldn't be into each other.
But if you are friends with someone who IS "your type", someone who COULD realistically be your significant other and even your future spouse if both of you happened to be single, then this is a dangerous place to be if you are married but your relationship with your spouse is bad to the point that you feel no loyalty to your marriage.
the best way to protect yourself from an emotional affair is to have a great relationship with your spouse. Your spouse should be your best friend and your best lover. that way, no one else will measure up to them in your eyes.
Or if you don't feel that way about your spouse, then you should adopt a strict policy for yourself to limit your contact with people you could potentially become very attracted to. I have a friend who has a rule that she and her husband are not allowed to have lunch with members of the opposite sex one on one. But this rarely works for long if you have problems in the relationship. My husband and I had this rule for years when our relationship was rocky. it delayed the problem of an emotional affair eventually happening.
But eventually if you are just no longer emotionally invested in your marriage and your spouse (even though you are invested in the outer life you have built with them like sharing kids and house and holidays as a family unit), then there's little to stop you fantasizing about getting close to someone else who shows the slightest sign of interest in you.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Short answer: When there is secrecy or lying involved and the 3rd party becomes more of a priority than their partner. Or there's clear evidence that a partner wants more than just friendship from their friend.
I don't like the term "emotional affair". Not that I'm saying they don't exist, just that its such a subjective term so while one partner may be convinced their partner is having an emotional affair, they may be completely wrong. In harassing their partner to lose their friend, not only is it showing a lack of trust, but it can comes across as controlling, insecure and manipulative. So labeling a friendship as an emotional AFFAIR is to me, a pointless endeavor when you're just as likely to be wrong as you are right and do harm to your relationship regardless.
One persons "terrorist" is another persons "freedom fighter". It is tricky to find a line in the sand, but just because friendships can turn into "emotional affairs" doesn't mean that everybody shouldn't be able to have opposite sex friends. Knives can hurt people... but we don't banish them from our kitchens, nor our cars from our garages. Its best just to talk about it with a partner early on as to what you both consider to be unacceptable behavior when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex. At least that way you're being open with each other and if somebody crosses a line then they're accountable.
The fact that you guys are open, upfront and trust each other is a very good sign that you're not that much at risk of losing each other to "emotional affairs".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): An emotional affair is when you build a deep emotional relationship with another person other than you're partner that includes romantic gestures or feelings. It's when you turn to another person to provide you with the comfort and affection that only your partner should be allowed to give you, or when you start getting romantic with another person but never kiss or have sex.
You see we can have very close friends, friends we love and can tell anything to, but there is always a boundary.
Look meeting up with random women that he doesn't know for dates is not a good idea. Yes even lunch is a lunch date. Going for coffee is a coffee date. Surely he has other Trekkie friends. I mean you're not supposed to think anything bad about it, you're supposed to trust him so you then feel bad for not being comfortable with him doing this.
If he wants to get to know new people you have to included in my opinion. Invite these people to your place instead for coffee or a meal.
The way I see it and this is the case in the majority of cases people don't meet up with random people and arrange dates if they're not interested in them. You know well what "getting to know you better" means, just like you know what "do you want to come in for coffee" means after a date.
You can't and shouldn't stop him from making new friends, but he's your partner there's no reason why you should be excluded.
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