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What can I do to show him I've moved on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 December 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 December 2007)
A age 36-40, * writes:

Do men like to see their ex girlfriends in pain after dumping them. I found out he cheated when I was pregnant he dumped me and stayed with the girl then broke up with her and tried to win me back. When unsuccesful he went back to her and she took him in with open arms. Now he does nothing to hide the love bites. Told me he is going on holiday with her and has invited her to meet all his family at christmas. When they broke up he told me that he wanted to get things off her as she was rich and that he couldnt stand her daughter. When I said I didnt think it would work between us he said that now he was gonna have to go and live a lie. (with her). Since this time we have argued as he kissed me and I told him harshly that he was sending me mixed signals and that he needs to back off. I was fed up of it and told him that I didnt want to see him on one of the days that he normally came to house as it was too much. He has stopped calling me to ask about the kids, gives me less money for the children and doesnt come and see them when he is supposed to. He doesnt contact me I contact him in relation to the children. When I said I wanted money for the kids as it was late he said he doesnt like my demands and if I keep demanding money from him then I should go to CSA as they would give me less that he currently was giving me. If I text him concerning important stuff he doesnt reply and doesnt answer my voicemails. He looks at me like he hates me. When I asked him what was going on. he just says that it was because i swore at him over the phone a couple weeks ago (when he didnt come to see his son)and that he is fed up of my erractic behaviour. The girl is back in his life full swing and even stays over his small flat with her 4 year old daughter, my two sons and my baby(it can never happen again when the baby is there though as I wont let it). He acts like he is so happy with her and treats me disrespectfully. We were together 9 years, why has he changed so much. I just wondered if their is a common pattern with his behaviour. He knows that I am just stuck at home all the time with the kids, im broke (have a degree but not at work) no boyfriend as Im really shy with the opposite sex and am not one to sleep around. I just feel like he knows me sooo well and he is happy that I've hit rock bottom. Why is he treating me like this and what can I do to show him Ive moved on and make him feel like he has messed up which he has. Do not tell me to focus on the children as I already am but I just wonder if he will ever regret the way hes has treated me. I go back to work in two months time.

View related questions: at work, broke up, christmas, ex girlfriend, money, on holiday, shy, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou for your answers. Some felt like I had just be woken up with ice cold water. But I needed the wake up call and I am going to cintinue evaluting my life and attitutes to life and people.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (10 December 2007):

rcn agony auntI did answer your other comment, and yes I mentioned focusing on kids, but more from a legal standpoint not a personal standpoint. I wasn't going to answer this one but after reading the last paragraph, I felt the need to add.

(1) Explain (factually) how he messed up. (2) When he bounces back and forth, why do you need to make him feel anything?

Reading both your posts, you sound like, "He left me, I'm hurt, so how dare him move on with his life." If you agree with that, I ask you this, WHY are you doing this to yourself? You have such a bitter attitude with blame over what he's done, you're ignoring what holding that level of resentment is doing to you. It seems as if you create more and more hurt over this, you'll have more to blame him for.

Stop placing blame and holding this resentment. (Here I go with the kids) Your children need you to be a strong mommy. You not only feed them, teach them to walk and talk, but the way you deal with obstacles helps them to develop how they will deal with similar issues when they grow up.

I have read so many times questions like "how do I get them see", "how to win someone back" etc. The answer is "you don't." If you all ready had what they wanted in the relationship, they'd still be there. Trying to get someone to respect and work things out, is not a matter of proving to them, It's about self development. If you want him to see he made a mistake, the best method is to do a self evaluation and change yourself for the better, work on developing your sense of self, and those who know you will automatically see the difference.

I want you to know I'm not blowing smoke up your rear. I've been through the same thing you are going through right now. When I did the self evaluation, I sure and the hell wouldn't date me. I was so upset with myself, I fell into a suicidal level depression and was there for about 3 months. Drinking in quantity, not having a waking moment where I wasn't drunk. I found I judged people for their faults, and our breakup, I was missing judging myself and how was I contributing to the relationship. For 2 1/2 years I stayed completely single. When asked out, I'd tell them it would be a bad choice because I didn't want to bring someone else into my personal hell. I read over 10 books on relationships and human development, and doing the exercises that assist with changing behaviors. I read over 200 reports in different areas of human development from current all the way back to Dr. Freud.

I know a bit of my history is long, but I listed it to show these changes are a process, not an overnight fix, and I'm still not done. I did all that, not just for myself but for my children. Someone my children can talk too, and they also have their friends e-mail me with questions or concerns on how to face something that's going on in their life. When I die I also wanted my children to have a bit more to say about me than "dad could sure drink a lot of beer."

I really do wish you luck and a great future. Take care.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (9 December 2007):

dearkelja agony auntI think he is treating you this way because you rejected him. Remember that you had the upper hand as it was you he wanted to be with. I think you made the correct decision to NOT be with him.

So, now you need to take good care of yourself. Practice being self confident. Make sure you always look nice and that you have a positive attitude. Don't just do this around him, do this all the time. In time you will respect yourself and so will he. You will be successful at work with this lovely positive attitude and you will be amazed at what else it will attract.

In time, he will move on and you wont care what he thinks. You will probably have to have a chat with your kids because I would imagine that he is bitter about you around them. They will see the light soon enough. Just don't stoop to his level and always be positive about him around your kids.

You're going to be fine!

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