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*rey Owl
writes:I have been going out with my bf for 2 years and he has taken me on some lovely holidays but he has never bought me a birthday card or a present although he has bought me Christmas presents. When asked about this he just says that as he pays for the holidays we go on that that is the present, but as I pay for drinks and meals on these holidays I feel that I am paying my way. I find that his attitude is cold, he also buys some of his other friends birthday presents like a girl he knows at dancing she asked him to her party and he bought her a card and present and also attend the party without me and took another woman. When challenged about this his reply was he could not help it if he has women friends and anyway I speak to men he does not know - to which I replied I don't go out with them though. The only time he is affectionate is when we have sex. What do you think I should do? I am not sure I can get over the no birthday present for me but if he feels like it he will buy one for someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Good you seem to be making a choice to get out.
I must admit - in the grand scheme of things on this planet - where there are wars, famine, disease etc etc - buying a birthday present for a partner is not the be all and end all of a relationship - especially one that has been going for a few years. I know plenty of couples who don't bother much with birthdays gifts etc.
However in your case - you have only been dating for a couple of years & yes I think you still should be at the 'buying gifts for each other' stage, but maybe he things paying for a holiday is a gift in itself.
There are only 2 reasons that he wouldn't be affectionate & buy you gifts - one is he can't afford to - which seems unlikely if he can afford holidays and the other is he is not really interested in you - but just the sex. In the case of the latter - I would be up and away as he doesn't really deserve a woman if that's all he wants.
I have been in a similar position - but my fella was just using me for money. Funnily enough - when I stopped paying for things - his affection stopped also - so I sent him packing!
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reader, Grey Owl +, writes (14 July 2015):
Grey Owl is verified as being by the original poster of the question?Thank you all so much for your advice I only wanted a token present and card just a recognition of my birthday and you are right, this relationship has run its course and I will be better to cut my losses and move on. At my birthday party recently my daughters friends who where invited that I don't know bought me cards and presents which was lovely and unexpected but of course they all asked me what my bf had bought so I told the truth nothing and they were all horrified. I suppose I should have been diplomatic and tactful but I didn't feel like it I felt annoyed. Cheers everyone and thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Insignificant and so very significant at the same time (the buying f a present).
I've made sure that I celebrate each and every single b-day, it is a big deal to me, I'm happy and there should not only be a present,but it better be the "right present".
As in,it must be something that shows me he knows me and what I like. What pushes my buttons. He never got it right (expensive perfumes,but mainstream ones, expensive jewellery,but so "streamlined" that there was no beauty,no craft in it).
He put importance on the money value of it, rather than the beauty of it.
Just that should have told me something.
If you don't feel it's right for whatever reason-leave.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 How difficult is it to buy a birthday present, or a lovely souvenir while on a trip? His coldness would make me feel he's just tagging me along on a holiday so he would not have to go without sex. I imagine if I was a guy, and a girl asked me why I didn't buy a card and present, I would immediately get one, instead of finding excuses then deflecting the issue about you talking to other guys. Men who suddenly get stingy in a relationship could mean he does not see you as the significant other anymore. He bought you Christmas presents. That was 7 months ago. He only got you a present because that's the time that people make huge lists of names then go on a shopping spree. That gave him no excuse not to buy one. As for no birthday present, that's really heartless. He could argue that when he's with friends he has to care about his social appropriateness. That means you get to see the worst of him, and his true colors, as WiseOwle said. Maybe celebrations and occasions mean nothing to him. He only buys presents so people won't look at him strangely. He expects that as the closest person to him, you understand that's how he is. Well, I would find it hard to accept this, this reluctance of doing a simple gesture to show love.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 You call this creature a "boyfriend?" Please check out the definition of that word before going any further... I think you're mistaken.....
There are much better guys "out there..."
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Sounds like his true colors are showing. He feels you've been fully compensated for your companionship, and you have no right to complain. Of course you should pay for drinks and food on the holiday. Most couples share the costs. Unless it's agreed ahead of time that it's all expenses paid.
If he's only affectionate when he wants sex, at what times are you affectionate? Synchronize. No affection, no sex.
If you like sentimental gifts, you need a sentimental man.
He brought a gift to a birthday party, only because it was appropriate; and he'd look pretty stupid arriving empty-handed. Seems a major part of your issues with him are concerning his lady-friends. Why are you allowing yourself to be among his harem? If he treats those trollops better than he treats his woman, give him his walking papers. If you ask me; that's even more reason to reconsider whether sticking around is really worth it.
You hit that 2-year mark where it seems many OP's reach that downturn in their relationships. People do get tired of each other. If it doesn't get any better; that's when it's time to decide if you still want to remain in it. Not stick around and complain. Especially when nobody's listening.
If you've expressed your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend; and he has shown no interest in compromise, or trying to improve the relationship. Kick him to the curb! Stop trying to pull things out of him that have dried-up; or were never there to start with. If discussions are nothing but you complaining and him not listing, how long before you realize the relationship has run its course?
By the way, taking someone on holiday is quite generous, and IT IS considered a gift. Sometimes we can be "high maintenance" in more ways than financially on our partners. It starts to show when a guy isn't happy with where he is.
There are two sides to every story.
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reader, alley96 +, writes (14 July 2015):
You should definitely let him know how you feel, and like the other person said you should look up the love languages. If he can't seem to get it through his head then cut him loose and find someone else when you're ready, someone that is more willing to show affection.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
 You should check out 5 Love languages.
You seem to think a person should show LOVE by buying things, he feels HE already did, it's just not a "present" that he could wrap (vacation).
For me though, if I ONLY had affection during sex, I'd be entirely turned off. Because I could consider that mechanical.
Talk to him, if you two can't find a way to make it work, then maybe? it's run it's course and you are staying together out of familiarity?
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