A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a family picnic outing with my girlfriend and her family and also a child (11 yo) from a family friend.I was playing catch me with the same child, and while we were playing she said you are slow and fat and you can't catch me. I didn't make a note of it or upset over it because we were just having fun with each other. If she walked past me and uttered those words I would have do it differently and speak to her and her career.Upon returning to the family area, she was sitting besides me and my girl friend was sitting besides her, and I jokingly stir that child up and said you are fat. When my girlfriend heard it, she gave me the most disgusting look in the world. I said to her we were just having fun, she said that is rude and she is just a kid. I was annoyed and asked her, is she your child, is she under your care, what does it have to do with you? She gave me a cold shoulder for the rest of the day.She said I was also rude for saying if the child is hers and that I shouldn't have said she is fat in the first place.I said to her I do not owe her an apology. If any I owe it to the child career at that time, the child and her parents. In my view, that is my personal judgement at that particular time, and I knew the child wouldn't take it the wrong way. And if she does get upset, it is up to me to apologize to her and her parents and my girlfriend shouldnt have anything to do with it.My girlfriend said she is shocked and dissapointed by my behaviour and said it is rude for me to say those words in any situation. Is it her having an ego trip with an holier than thou attitude? If she does love me and as an act of love, she wouldn't have spoken to me in private either pull me aside or speak to me when the time is right and explain to me and I would have taken it differently.I refuse to back down because it doesnt and shouldn't concern her.What am I missing? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 What you are missing is that YOU ARE WRONG. YOU NEVER tell a child they are fat… especially an 11 year old girl. And who her parent is has NO BEARING on the fact that you should never say things like that to a child. NOT in jest, not even if it’s the truth. It’s every adult’s responsibility to do the best they can to help children become the best people they can be. It takes a village to raise a child.
Granted she should have discussed it with you in private but maybe she felt that defending the child in public to counteract your vicious attack on her was worth your embarrassment… after all YOU are supposed to be an ADULT.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): What is wrong with owning the trait humility and honesty?Had you have just explained to the GF, sorry you are taking it the wrong way. Earlier she jokingly called me fat and slow so I thought she wouldn't take offense if I used the same joke and called her fat.Turn to child, did I offend you? Situation cleared up.yet you couldn't even do that. Instead you chose to turn it into a Right/wrong fight. With that, you are in the wrong.narcissists like to do this, they tend to be argumentative and like to argue for the sake of arguing and have to win.You lacked the reasoning and problem solving skills so now you are in the dog house.I say, time to eat some humble pie and make things right. Apologize for being harsh with the GF and maybe next time, just be honest about it all instead of having your Ego and Pride pricked.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 What your "missing" is that your G/F saw bits of an argument between two 11-year-olds.... and ONE OF THEM was her 30-35-year-old boyfriend!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I agree with KC 100 literally, word by word. Plus :
True, your girfriend should have pulled you aside, maybe she's not the best for social skills - BUT, she has a good brain and a good heart. What the heck does it mean " she's not your child " ?
Why, if you see an octuagenarian harassed by a bunch of young punks, you don't intervene because he is not your grandfather ? If you see a cat being tortured by schoolkids, you don't say anything because it's not your cat ?
EVERYBODY has the right and the duty to protect the weaker around us, and to speak up in their defense.
I am sure that you were in good faith and you did not mean any harm, to you it was just good natured humour, nevertheless it was sort of a " bull in a china shop " humour, it's never appropriate for an adult making negative comments about the looks of an 11 y.o. girl, chances are that this kind of comment cuts very deeply and it's taken much to heart, coming from an adult, and it hurts, even if the girs can pretend they are not affected.
Then, yes, it's rude , had she been a 20something girl that you had met for the very first time at this picnic, you would never had thought of telling her " my, have you got an ugly mug or what ", not even in jest - why being a YOUNG girl does not warrant her the same respect you'd give to anybody else.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Calling an 11 year old girl fat, even as a joke is wrong. Regardless of who the child's parent is, and who is present at the time - you should not have said it.
Young girls have very fragile self esteem and even though it is a joke because she called you fat first, they dont understand humor like adults do and it probably will have affected her self esteem and confidence. Hence why your girlfriend thought you were wrong to say it.
If I overhead any grown adult telling an 11 year old they are fat (regardless of a joke or not) I would tell that adult it is wrong to say such a thing. I have been a young girl and know how difficult it is to feel pretty and confident, children are awful to each other and you tend to believe the nasty comments they say. So when an adult says the same nasty things as a child would say, it will register in the back of your mind and eat away at you. So even though you thought it was harmless - in reality is probably is not harmless and was a pretty stupid thing to say when you are a grown man and should know better.
I agree your girlfriend should have raised the issue in private, she did not handle that aspect particularly well. But she was right to raise the issue, because you should not have said such a nasty comment to a child.
I think what you need to do now is say to your girlfriend that you understand why she is upset, you realise that you should not say something like that to a child and even though you were joking you know it is wrong. Hopefully that should restore the peace and make things ok between you again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
