A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So after 3 weeks of dating and getting to know this guy who was planning future (months ahead) dates for us... we slept together. Now he is avoiding me? What happened? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): q1605 is spot on I think. i think that sometimes you are just so into someone and everything is building to that moment and then it happens and the sex can be fantastic...but then you are like...ok, now what. The act of having sex, for some reason, forces you to look at the situation you are in with the person, as well as forces you to look at them more objectively too. And it makes you think about the future...where is this going...etc. Because there is a tremendous need to define things after sex. So when people back away after sex, it's usually because they realize that it was just a lust thing, they really like the person and feel way too vunerable to continue, or they just wanted sex and they got it. I thinkits more often the first 2--I think the 3rd case only happens when a guy is telling you he loves you too son and trying to cajole you into sex. But again, great job q1605--I think that most men see the real you after sex..you are no longer the conquest..and that where you start getting the honesty and you begin to see what is going to work and what isn't. Good luck!!!
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (28 February 2008):
 This is for the girl from INDIA. The way you worded it is a little harsh but that is my experience. Thats not to say that this is a conscious thought. And its not to say we can't be so infatuated with a woman that sex is just a formality on the way to the real relationship. But sex is so easy to get that guys arn't tested well until this point. I'm not going to take that last line out because this is certainly a test for us but this is the first time in the evolution of a relationship that you passing a test from us. You are being tested only in that after sex he gets the real feel of what you are like. Up to this point he is focused on getting you to bed. And sort of being what he thinks you are looking for. But in a putting his best foot forward way not so much a calculated manipulation. After sex he is viewing you without that lens of being exponentially horny that we all walk around with. None of what I say is hard and fast rules and each man differs somewhat but any man that doesn't agree to the basic underlying premise is bullshitting himself because I'm not fooled. If you'll notice DoubleM's post... that its his loss about not getting to know this partner and sex being better the second and third and on. On the face his comments seem in opposition to mine but it actually reinforces it ...to a degree. His post was focused entirely on the sexual aspect of the encounter and mine was ( or my intentions) focused on he emotional developement of things. And this is for one reason. If it was solely about sex I can promise you her date was satisfied to the nth degree. All we really need from a woman in the short term is a pulse. We want things to evolve in one arena or the other and preferably both but the guy, sexually went home happy. That is unless he was too drunk to perform or some other external problem. But the gist of the question at hand was why when she put out did he bail. And the answer is that its not because the sex was bad. He could after sex ,step away from the thinking of just trying to bang something any thing long enough to see that his interest in her was more a function of his desire for sex in general and not so much a real desire for her specifically. But I am telling you he probably didn't plan to bang her and disappear. Man i just read all that and it makes perfect sense to me. And you know for the first time in my life I have to cop to that I guess guys are every bit of a mystery to you as you guys are to us. In my posts I am always joking and referring to penis's...peni? as an entity that manifests itself like some sort of parasite that is always just hanging around and looks at us like we are its little brother and its bored and if its not on duty just likes to see what stupid thing it can talk us in to doing. And before anyone cries bullshit go to the bar and see how many old men you can spot blowing their roll on some tart young enough to be his grand daughter. Or look at all the fucked over women this site that are clueless to why their spouse just kind of started hanging out with some skank when he had a perfectly good home at home.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (28 February 2008):
 I agree with Waterloo. Give him one mark for showing up at the big sex event. No more marks for performance. No marks for being a good guy and no marks for a future.
Some guys also do panic after they've had sex with a woman because they feel inadequate. They feel like they weren't good enough but if he was confident at the big sex event, then he probably was after that notch on his belt.
Please know that this is NOT a big loss for you.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (27 February 2008):
 Hi,
I'm very sorry but you just met one of these guys who only enjoys the conquest. He wasnt looking for a relationship ( despite what he said to you ) but merely to have sex with you. Some guys see the waiting with a woman who doesnt put out so easily as the ultimate , because they know they have to work at it.
But if it makes you feel any better this is a man who will live his life like this, he is most likely incredibly insecure and needs these sex fixes to keep himself feeling human. Put it down to experience, not all us guys are like this some of us do actually want commitment - you've just chosen a bad apple.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Many men are just out for conquest, as hinted or indicated by others here. It is hard for me to understand, because these jerks apparently do not realize that sexual activities with a woman always seem to improve the second, third and fourth time - ad infinitum. Each partner learns more about the other, including what to do and how to please each other.
For some of us, a good partner is every bit worth the time and followup, but some others just want that additional notch on the bedpost, as "Waterloo Sunset" mentioned earlier. They don't know what they are missing, and most likely, you encountered one of the dupes. He is the problem, girl, not you.
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A
female
reader, Robin Goode +, writes (27 February 2008):
so, what now. You are sure that "I slept with him and he stops calling. All men are pigs! That's all he wanted! etc etc misogynist anti-factual rant about how "men are genetically pre-disposed...." Garbage all of it.Here's your issue. He broke up with you. Sex either DID or DID NOT have anything to do with that. If the possibility of that bothers you then wait to have sex until you have a bit more security that he won't break up with you right after. No guarentees about that, you know, but three weeks is how many hours together? 10? 20? Ok, you don't know him all that well. Could be any reason to end it. Maybe you are terrible in bed (did you scream out another man's name?), maybe he decided he is gay, maybe it was "just one of those things"?Could be anything-- one of the mysteries you'll have to live with (read: don't call him to find out!). Cheer up and move on. And don't listen to those folks who want you to develop some "rule" about having sex or not and "keeping a man" all of that is just designed to drive you crazy. You can't manipulate someone into a relationship (not someone you respect anyway), so just forget it. He either likes you or he doesn't. He either keeps liking you or he doesn't. Same with you, isn't it? Witholding or putting out really isn't the issue. What kind of woman you are is. What kind of man he is you try to discover and enjoy. That's all. Be smart.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (27 February 2008):
 There are many theories I could give you for why he's avoiding you, but honestly, the best advice I can offer is that you move on from him. You've only invested 3 weeks in him; he's proved that he's not a keeper for you. If you spend more time worrying about him then I think you're wasting your efforts--throwing good money after bad, so to speak.
If he was a decent sort of guy, he would have given you a reason, I think, so sad as it is to say, take this as a learning experience and move on. And don't beat yourself up about this, unless this is a repeated pattern for you, in which case, you might need to think about what kind of men you're dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Just a question for q105....are you saying being a male... a man only think about you as a relationship material once he has slept with you. I am an Indian girl..who because of cultural and religious reasons and perhaps a bit of shyness probably wont sleep with a man before engagement atleast if not marriage....so are you saying that men these days wont have a relationship with a woman before testing her in bed. Would they not be inclined to have any patience to see whether she is worth a lot more? If you honestly did fancy her a lot... would you not let her choose her own pace?
This is just to get a male insight of what anon has already asked. But it is something that has intrigued me as well coming from a different culture.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 February 2008):
When a guy finally sleeps with a girl it like a veil has been lifted from you. There is no more mystery. You are firmly place in the win column. Or more precisely the been there done that file. Before that moment there is so much testosterone coursing through our veins and our dicks are chattering in our ear like a bunch of dateless freshman at the senior prom and its a wonder we can get dressed for the date. But after we will get the real vibe we will have for you for all time. It's not this abrupt usually but women tell us they know in seconds if this guy is a candidate for sex. This is that point for us and its whether we will continue to pursue you and develope real feelings and a real relationship. And as cliched as it sounds its not you its him. But don't think he has been deceptive. He hasn't. Unless he pours it on before this point. Like telling you he loves you before this moment. There was a day people fell in love and married and had sex. For the most part those days are gone. So if you are in a whirlwind romance and the guy is telling you he loves you before this point in time he is probably lying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This can often happen, sorry to say this but maybe that is all he wanted you for, i hope i am wrong, but some guys are like this. You have been another conquest and on he moves to the next one. Notches on the bed post etc. If he hasnt been in touch after you slept together then i wouldnt even bother with him. Dont get in touch with him either, just let him rot in hell. You can look on it another way, he has been a notch on your bed post. Just to make things better in your head, give him marks out of 10!
take care
xx
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