A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Try keep this short.. met this guy online we hit it off right away talked every day for a month, he opened up about why he has his daughter all time. We both are single parents..he has his daughter with him all the time, one of the things I liked about him. Both our daughters are 9yrs old. We met a month later meet at a park had dinner we all had such a good time. Girls got on very well and so did we, I wasn't instantly attractive to him, he seemed like a nice guy, too many times I've gone on looks first got me no where. When I got home, he said he and his daughter had a lovley time, I said like wise. On the Sunday he texted me and asked how I felt the date went, I said it was good and I would like to get to know him better, he said he wants to get to to know me over and over. He asked if we would like to meet up again, I said yes. Next week I cooked dinner for him and his daughter, the week after he cooked for me and my daughter. We talked about everything, from childhood to what we both are looking for, we both said a relationship. We ended up spending the weekend together, Friday to Sat at his and he came back with me and spent Sat to Sunday....we did have sex about 10 times in that weekend, as a joke I said to him now we have had sex you gotta make me your gf, he agreed with me. So for the next 2wks we spent our weekends together has a family, at that point we said maybe we shouldnt be in a relationship it's too soon, we should just be exclusive and see where it goes.we both agreed. Week 6 we made plans to go to the cinema with the kids, he calls me on the Tuesday and I asked are we still on for the cinema, he said his friend called him and said I don't see you anymore, so I was like ok, tried not make a seen, I thought I was calm maybe my tone was off. Anyway Everything was cool, still speaking everyday he texts me on Friday and says we need to slow things down..I asked her explained, he said not spending all of our weekends together and not seeing each other, so I said we Anit event together, he asked what does that mean..anyway we were going back and forth, he then said something has struck with him like it should, he needs to work out what he really wants, it really is him that has the problem, he said it's not just my thought (me being insecure) but he said it's his past blah blah blah.After more back and forth I just said to him why would you invite me to your daughter's show, say your coming to my brothers wedding, he even told his sister I was his gf and he said we should go to see his sister and stay at hers and have a holiday. Been 2wks I haven't seen him, but he will text every other day to ask our my daughter and I are and vice versa. He then said he always rushed into relationship and it never works out, I said me too. Then he said we should build a friendship and get to know each other propley. Is that his way of making himself not feel guilty or do you think his being genuine. I've now keeping my options open but still miss the guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2016): I would give a time limit say a month. Be his friend and step back. Talk to him after that time and see how you both feel
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 The words lets be friends first is a huge step backwards in my opinion so I can see why you would be a little worried. It all seemed to be going so well then something or someone put doubt in his mind. Maybe his friends complained they never see him anymore, or maybe he got scared things where moving to fast. He cannot really blame his past, as he should be living in the now.
The thing is if you really like him then give him the benefit of the doubt, go with the flow and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 You should assume they are genuine until they show otherwise. There's a difference between "let's be friends" and "let's be friends first." If I were him, I know that even better is not saying anything about using terms, and just using actions or the slowing down of actions. If he feels that talking, knowing about each other is what friends do, then he asks about your life, or he focuses on the platonic part of the relationship. He can do all that without demoting your status. If "let's be friends first" is what he needs to take off the pressure, then so be it. One day he would feel closer to you, thank your patience and realize he's stressing out over nothing.
His willingness to talk shows that he's not the kind that disappear for weeks, or crawl into a cave. That's a good thing. That's not taking it slow. That's just being emotionally crippled.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 April 2016):
Oh, his past is not blah blah blah, and not an excuse. There's certainly something in the past that made him act like this. Maybe he didn't word it well and was talking from his "fight or flight" part of the brain, and didn't reassure that he really likes you. His past has led him to think that when you fall in love fast, everything crashes and burns.
People can get carried away with passion and dreams, and then when they have time to cool down, they want to be careful. I know it would feel offensive, as if to suggest you may be like his ex. His heart can only open up when he is more sure about the relationship. I know the "let's be friends" line is often a gentle let down, or the kiss of death. I wish there are more terms in between friends, date, future lover, etc.
I think you should take it as a challenge and be his friend, even exclusively. People get all kinds of wonky thoughts after they get intimate. They can have insecurity, obsessive, dark thoughts which are signs to slow down. You seemed to have agreed about everything when there's passion, and excitement. Let's agree about the friendship which doesn't have to negate your chemistry together. He just wants to make sure you love him for who he is, not just the initial butterflies. He certainly doesn't expect your reaction to be, find other people.
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