A
male
age
51-59,
*dd_edd
writes:Hi I have not really been getting on with my wife for a few months whom I have been married for for the last 18 months but together for 9 years. We have always argued in our relationship as we are both quite strong willed. We have always loved each other deeply.I knew we werent getting on but put it down to not being able to do much together due to financial constraints due to her going back to study for a year and me being the only 1 working. She has finished her studies so I thought things would go back to normal as we had more freedom so I didnt really look at what she may have been feeling.Just before xmas she told me she wants a divorce.I think this was amplified by alot of other problems she had aswell such as loosing a job she had just started and a few other things. This has totally devistated mel. The reasons she says is because I dont trust her and am too jealous and controlling.She does have a point I have got a fear of her going off with someone else as my last girlfriend before slept with my best friend. My wife is very attractive and gets alot of male attention. I do ignore it but sometimes I feel worried that something is going on. A male friend kept asking her fishing to the movies theatre ect and I said she had to have no more contact with this guy. She had no hidden the fact that he had said these things as she would always check her email in front of me when we were on the computer and was very open. I didnt mind but could see he wanted more than a friendship. She said she could make her own decisions about people and I couldnt say who and who she couldnt be friends with. Shortly after she told me she was never going to speak to him again because he would text her phone and if she didnt reply quickly would send another text angry she didnt reply. She said he was freaky and didnt want to talk to him anymore but it was not because I told her to.Anyway this whole thing really shock me up as we were not really doing much together and had no money and were just seeming to only have lifes stresses such as cleaning bills ect to share. As a result I started checking her phone and email account to see if anything was going on. I knew this was wrong but felt I had to know. We had some other arguements about other things then before xmas she said she had had enough and that a relationship shouldnt be such hard work.She said I was too jealous and would never trust her ( i have accussed her of things in the past such as 1 time i picked her up from a night out and asked her who she was talking to as there were some men there and it turned out they were just total strangers, but it embarassed her that I asked her in front of a her female friend. I felt like this because we hadnt gone out together as a couple much because we have a daughter and no family near by to help look after her so we would often go out separately and when we could go out together she never wanted to go out with me and her friends she kind of kept it separate.Anyway I realise I have a problem with trust and have decided to go and get help about it because I am sick of having something small happen then it flare up. My wife tells me she still really loves me and we have spent a really nice newyears eve together. We are still having sex but my wife says she doent want me to feel she is using me, if she decides that there just is no chance of making it work.She is scared that I just cant change and just will go back to my old ways. Thing is I really do want to change wether I am with her or without.What I am asking is has anyone else had similar experiences and changed or any other women had there man change. I really want to let her know I am serious because we both love each other so much and it would be such a waste to throw it all away.I dont want to keep telling her lets get together and pressure her in case she feels it is controlling bullying behavoir. I know if i love her and she wants to go I should let her so she can be happy but I think if she leaves it will be a huge mistake for us both as only a few weeks ago she told me she wished she had met me when she was 16 so we could have spent all our lives together.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Me and my wife met when I was 16. And no if she is talking to other guys as just friends in my opinion that's not the greatest thing to do. I was never jealous of my wife and trusted her completely. That was a mistake. She left me saying I did not show her enough attention. We are currently getting a divorce and it really is for the best for me and her since she cheated on me. I have found someone that is like me and I don't have to worry about her talking to other guys or going out because I took my time choosing someone like me and what I like to do. I have been married 12 years and the best thing was to get a divorce. I have never been more happier in my life. People said since I was checking her email I wasn't trusting her. Well... I stopped and come to find out she was going behind my back. AFTER asking me to trust her and getting mad at me because I wasn't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I am sorry that you are going through this. From experience - I have been in a relationship like this for 12 long years and he never changed, he never heard me and in the end I was the one that began to believe that I was not worthy of trust, or just plain worthy. If he can not go to counseling with an open mind then you need to get out. If ya'll go to counseling and he realises he has a problem then there is hope but if not then walk away. Like that man mentioned, where are the vows you took? Let me tell you, I take them very seriously and that is why I am here but at some point I had to choose between the vows I took in the eyes of God and my sanity and that of my children.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): i know this is the wrong side - but im crap at computers abd my husband posted the first email asking for help so i thought id add a bit more detail as he has skipped around some main parts and then see if the advice changes - purely for my wanting to know if i am making a big deal of things before i get divroced.
Firstly he has not mentioned the fact that he has never trusted me from day one - and when he acuses me of lying he does it in a vicious way calling me a slag and a whore, throwing things, choking me, pushing me over, he has done this at home - in the street everywhere - this is humiliating but he says if i cared about him i shouldnt care what other people say or think. but oh dear - hes just a little insecure - so id better moderate my behaviour, by never going out of the house perhaps??.
Secondly he has a terrible temper and if i catch him checking on me will either will smash things up or fall onto the floor crying hysterically - whichever suits the ocassion better to stop me from challenging him - thirdly he reads all my emails and texts and he has even hidden in the house watching what i am doing from another room without me knowing because he said he was going out but sneaked in another door.
Fourth - he offered me an email account telling me that he couldnt read the content just because he owns the server - but it turns out he could and i do work which involves confidential information about people - then he even offered one to a friend of mine so he could see what we say to eachother - she would be furious if she knew.
this isnt jelousy this is emotional bullying - but someone please reply as he says i should be lucky he cares so much too loose and that mnoone else will ever love me so much????
Im confused - is this enough reason to leave someone?? i feel claustrophobic and unhappy.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (5 January 2008):
 In this day and age people are too ready to part the ways.
It seems that marriage vows have no real meaning anymore.
However, there is help from various places providing you know where to look.
I know of some articles that have helped many.
Perhaps it is not too late for you and your marriage.
Please look over the articles. You may find information to make the needed repairs. I hope this helps. Doc
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20010108/article_01.htm
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