A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now we have a 1 yr old daughter the problem is that as far as our relationship is going to go he wants no more children and marriage he won't even discuss he says he scared I've asked him about getting engaged then and talk about marriage in a few years time but he won't have it he says he happy but I can't figure out why he won't commit to me any answers appreciated thank you
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 A very old expression "why buy the cow when the milk is free" may come to mind but the truth is... he is never going to marry or commit to you.
IF you want it and have expressed it and after all this time and a child he puts you off.. he will NEVER agree.
You may have to leave and then he may agree as a way to "not lose you" but in the long run it won't work because even then he's being forced.
If you must have marriage then this is not the man for you..
if you want another child and a husband time to cut this one out of your life and move on to find one that loves you enough to not risk losing you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): He gave you an answer, but it's not the one you want to hear: he is scared and not interested in marriage, so don't try to change him.Marriage is a huge commitment and it's akin to a full time job, so why do you want him to get engaged or married if his heart isn't truly into it? He's not feeling the way he does because he wants to be a jerk. He's telling you how he truly feels and no amount of pleading and cajoling will change his feelings.I understand that it's really hard for you because you want to build a nest based on a solid, secure foundation. At the same time, when you had your baby, marriage wasn't a priority them, so why must it be one now? Just because you don't get married doesn't mean that you love your partner less. As the previous poster expressed, when you get married you're basically allowing the government and legal system to dictate your life, and this is painfully obvious in times of divorce; the courts don't take into account your emotions, infidelity, etc., but they divide assets and mandate payments according to a mathematical formula. It's all business.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 Well. There could be a lot of reasons but of course, he's not sharing them with you. Some men do feel threatened by the idea of marriage as they'll feel "trapped" or "owned" by their wife. Or they focus on the negatives of a divorce.
So, ask him, what are his reasons as to why you cannot marry? Don't be pushy or confrontational. Just lightly ask. To me, most fears about marriage can be solved if things are worked out. For example, if a man fears marriage because of divorce and losing the legendary "half" of his income, suggest a prenuptial agreement where both parties can agree that if things were to fail, they both take out only what they put in.
Meaning if you buy a house together, both of you are entitled to half the profits if you sell etc. Other men just don't like the idea of being "owned." I don't see why a piece of paper would change a relationship he's happy with anyway. It's been four years...Give him time to think about it a little more.
If this is really important to you, don't brush it off. I told my boyfriend previously that I would never be comfortable staying with him without a marriage. That's just me. He gets that. But we've agreed to wait three years before we take that one. I like the idea of an engagement. Why is the idea of a long-term engagement so bad for him? It's not an actual marriage and gives people time to prepare for one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): He has no incentive to get married; he already enjoys the benefits of marriage (regular sex, free maid service) with none of the responsibilities. He could walk away on a moment's notice with no obligation to you beyond child support.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I cannot understand why a woman would enter into a lifetime commitment of having a kid with a guy who has shown no inclination to enter into a lifetime commitment with HER.
The time to discuss possible engagement and marriage is BEFORE you get pregnant.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2016):
 Your B/F is behaving just as one would predict a 6-year-old would behave if he were brought in to a candy store and allowed free access to the glass display case.... He would try any and all candies that he fancies.... then would tire of them, and would go home....
Your B/F is a perfect analogy of this. YOU were the candy and the display case.... He got his taste of you.... and, now, needs no more such stimulation.
Recognize him for the child he is.... steel yourself to be a single Mom raising your child... and invite him to DEPART FROM YOUR LIFE... .FOREVER....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 Uhm, I dunno... although I can't disagree with Eddie, what he says makes certainly sense ,and divorce rate is incredibly high nowadays,... I admit that I have a gloomier view of the matter.
In all honesty, I think that if someone in an apparently happy , loving , stable relationship , living together, and even having kids together, refuses to get married or even to consider the idea for a later time... after all maybe he is not that happy, that loving and most of all that stable.
Deep down, maybe unexpressed in so many words, there's the thought that this is not really " it " or that this is the best...just for now , but in case some better offer should come up, at least it's much easier to jump ship. Not saying that the man ( or the woman, because some women too do not want a firm committment ) will actively pursue an alternative choice, but if it should just " happen " they would not turn it down. In short - the current arrangement is pretty good- but no cigar yet. Who knows, there could be something way better at some point.
Well, isn't it the same for people who get married ? they can split up too, same as an unmarried couple.
Mmmh.. yes and not, and more not han yes.
People who gets married knows how high the divorce rate is, but they think and trust and hope that it won't happen to them. They feel , in good faith, that they will make it last , because there's nobody in the world that's better for them than their future spouse. Reality belies them, often, as we have seen, but this is not the point, the point is that, for all they know, they have got absolutely the best they could get. Yes, getting married takes a bit of courage, of recklessness if you want, because after all who can say what will happen in life 15 years from now ?, BUT it's a healthy, natural "recklessness " when you are deeply in love. And, most importantly, you think it will last forever.. and you WANT to make it last forever. You'll do the effort, you are willing to work toward that, meaning that, if there will be problems, changes, incomprehensions, - by the very fact of getting married you commit yourself to work on that and to do anything humanly possible to fix the situation and save the marriage . While people without an official, firm, legal and moral committment in front of family and society, deep down is inclined to think they'll stay till it's good- and as soon as it starts creaking, I'm outta here.
Lo and behold, to me ( just my two cents ) situations like yours are if not always, most often a sign of having mental reservations. That's what the " fear " is about - the fear of not making the very best possible choice available to them. I don't think it is just the financial fear of being " taken to the cleaners " because this, after all, affects only a relatively small segment of population. Actually, most " normal " married people do not have a lot to be cleaned out of : an old car ? Aunt Millie's wedding gift of a silver tray ? or even a few thousands in savings ? I don't think the fear of losing that would motivate people to risk instead losing the love of their life ( a woman that wants to be married and never receives a proposal may very well get tired of waiting and turn to someone else ). If she actually IS the love of his life...
Personally, I am rather suspicious of people who ADOPT the white picket fence lifestyle, complete with cohabitation , kid(s), Sundays with the in-laws ... and family dog,- just without the " bothersome " legal technicalities.
I am perfectly aware that there's some people who will not want to get married because of an ideological choice or a political statement against the rules of the bourgeois society, or of the local Church, but if you go see, they are not that terribly many. In most cases, you have to go scratch under the surface of the political statement and you'll find something else quite different.
I am sorry , OP, I realize that what I am saying here cannot please you, and by the way I hope I am wrong because by no means I am always right, I wish ! . So I accept that not knowing you and your bf I might be far off the mark. But in general- the most probable answer to any quandary is the simplest one. People do not commit because they do NOT want to ; and they do not want to , because their single ( from a legal standpoint ) status offer them obvious advantages. The main of which is the chance to make a quicker exit as soon as the going gets rough, or there's something new on the horizon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): The benefits for a getting married are pretty poor too to be honest . Even IF the man is the primary breadwinner while the children are your, she is still expected to forfeit a career and also be seen as doing unvalued work. Either way this man is getting free childcare for his child . Why is the wage all his ? He would be paying an absolute fortune for full time child care so and all money coming into the house belings equally to him and her REGARDLESS of who 'earns ' it as they both contribute in their own way This whole idea about men losing half of THEIR stuff if divorce occurs is rubbishMost of the time they would not have even had the opportunity to earn half of the money they did had they been responsible for a child's care. Yet all too often they seem happy to dump one hundred percent realspinsibilty for childcare on the woman and then scream that she took half of HIS money .It was never his in the first place . It was THEIRS Here in Australia , the law is the same regarding assets whether married or not if a couple have children so that cannot be used as an excuse Many women are also wishing up to the fact that men play this double card even when she sacrifices years of a career , does the bulk of Childcare and in many cases even has work outside the home as wellOp, I would decide how important marriage is to you . If you really want it , accept that he doesn't and move on . Take your 50 percent and expect him to contribute 50 percent of the money and care for your child and find someone who also wants marriage Good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 June 2016):
 First off, I am sorry to see you in this predicament.
His reasons for stalling are actually fairly common: These days, with over 50% of marriages failing, for a man, getting married is a HUGE financial risk. As the (usually) primary bread winner, their property is on the line if a breakup happens -- including spousal support / alimony.
And for the most part, it doesn't have many advantages other than being what is known as a traditional family and a modest tax break (at least here in the States). In short, what benefit is there for HIM in getting married? Tying the knot only puts a government contract in the mess (unless you are religious and feel like you have a moral obligation). Divorces are fairly common today so getting married doesn't guarantee commitment -- it just makes it more painful (and expensive) to part ways. So in short, they hold someone in who may not be terribly happy.
I think your boyfriend is committed. He has been with you for four years and from what you've posted, he is there for your child.
The long and the short of it -- for you though -- is you have to make up your mind if you really want to get married and whether this will fester into resentment towards him or will lead to an ultimatum situation. Forcing a man to marry you under duress can certainly backfire. But I also understand that you may have a dream of the traditional family-unit, a house in the burbs and a white picket fence.
You may find it useful for you and your boyfriend to go see a relationship counselor. Going there can help him express his fears and concerns as well as you being able to explain how badly you want to have this dream with him.
But ultimately you will have to make a decision: How bad do YOU want to be married and what price are you willing to pay to achieve that dream?
Eddie
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A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (4 June 2016):
 He could be scared of the change. Maybe he see's life going good as it is. One child is a lot of work as it is. Maybe in a few years when your child is older more kids would be easier. He could be finding raising one child demanding and not wanting more. He is committed to you. You don't need a piece of paper to say you're committed. He looks after the child, calls you his girlfriend and is your partner..right?He says he's scared. Reassure him that it isn't scary. Tell him that you'll be by his side whatever happens. Also you have to give him time for the idea to sink in. Work out how marriage and more children will benefit both your lives and your child life...and discus it with your boyfriend.
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