A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my life is a mess. a ' friend' and i decided to be more that just friends i dont see him much at all even tho he only lives 10 miles away . the thing is he always lets people down . the thing that hurt so much is he let me down last minute hes done this a few times with pathetic excuses . I've not had a good time of things emotionally / mentally and he knows this . I've been stupid and cried about him cancelling he claims hes been in my shoes and understands my low times but if he really did he wouldnt say hes going to stop speaking to me just because i question him to why hes cancelling.I know im wasting my time and i have tried meeting new people via dating sites and meeting people through friends but the way things are going its not looking good Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): It isn't a relationship.You want it to be. He does not.You are rowing the boat with your actions, words, expectations and hopes.He is not reciprocating. It is you who is keeping this charade going. Because I strongly feel that if you no longer chased him, he would be gone.We do not ever have to beg another person for their attention and validation. If we do, they are the wrong person for us.He seems to want to show up for sex sometimes. And that is all.He might cancel last minute because he got a better offer or somebody else became available or he just wasn't in the mood. Whatever the reason, he is completely oblivious to your feelings and does not care about hurting you. A man who is really into you does not cancel plans to see you. He especially does not cancel plans last minute unless he was in the back of an ambulance so to speak...He likes his freedom. And he will not give that up for you. Or for anyone else it seems. He does not see this as a relationship. I think he sees it as a booty call at his beck and call. The fact he threatens to leave you when you question his motives or cancelling plans clearly shows this "relationship" is one sided and the scales are tipping in his favour. He is the one who is calling the shots. And that is just the way he likes it. You are trying to stand your ground. Communicate your needs, and wants in this relationship. But he doesn't care. He is telling you that your needs do not matter. He is only concerned about his needs and what he wants. He is telling you to take it or leave it.Relationships are never one sided. Both people must be getting their needs met. And surely when one is not happy, the other listens and tries to improve and compromise. But in this case, he is not interested in doing all that work. Because he just wants a quick release sexually when he feels like it. And you are there. So he takes advantage of you. He knows you care about him. And he is using your feelings for him to his benefit. To manipulate you. To get what he wants out of you. Without one care about your feelings or needs.I suggest you stop contacting him. And stop taking his calls if he contacts you. You need to set the pace. You need to show him you are not a door mat. Somebody he can use at his whim and treat like trash. You are a good person. You have a lot going for you. And you do not need to be lowered by him to a place where you are suffering emotionally. Just remember, we allow others to treat us the way they do. You do not have to ALLOW him to run his game on you. You can play it better. Ignore him. No explanations. Just move on. In this case, you will have won. Screw him. He is a loser. Don't let him bring you down.I agree with CindyCares, take some time to be on your own. It's okay to be alone. You need to heal. And just find yourself again. Love yourself. You are worthy of love. Just because he does not see it does not mean you are not special. He is THE ONE who is NOT SPECIAL. So, pamper yourself. Be good to yourself. Do the things you like to do. And you will feel better and more positive about yourself. And once this happens, you will radiate positive energy and confidence. And I think this will be exactly the time the right guy walks into your life.I wish you the best. Life is too short to be sad over a man who doesn't give a crap. You will only continue to beat your head against the wall with the same result.You have the power to change this.Be kind to yourself. :)Now, gather up your strength and leave him in the dust. That is where he belongs.I know it is easier said than done, but life is full of tough choices. It may hurt for now and for awhile but in the end, once your pain is over, you are going to feel so much better. Believe me, you will.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 It seems he is back pedaling about being a couple... anyway repeatedly cancelling plans last minute with flimsy excuses is just plain rude, whomever you do it to: partner, friend or lover. I think you should waste no more tears on him and not even bother to find out WHY he is cancelling so often, to assess if he gave a good enough reason ; the problem is that he is DOING it, and that shows a lukewarm, erratic interest, while you obviously wanted something more and something different.
I would pass on this erratic guy. You explained him that you dislike his behaviour , and he understands why you dislike it, nevertheless he has been blunt in telling you he won't change. In fact he threatens to dump you altogether if you give him a hard time.
Beat him on time and you dump him. If you are feeling low and lonely atm, insisting would be worse, because you need things ( affection, tenderness, reliability ) that obviously he cannot / does not want to give you. Whether he is a free spirited type who conceives relationships in a different way, or, simply that ( sorry ) he is not that into you, the fact is that he is USELESS for your needs and wants now.
Be a bit more self serving and self protective and mind what you need, right now, i.e. NOT this guy.
The way things are going , romantically, is not looking good right now ?
Take a break. Recover. Reenergize. Try again at later date when you'll feel less despondent.
It sounds unfair, but in these matters, have you noticed how who needs less gets more ? people who are already happy, or at least serene,content, get sought out and courted; and people who are desperate for some attention and affection- stay desperate or attract losers.
Malicious trick of the Universe, but... you can't look for love from a place of fear , need and desperation.
Take a break. Stop your quest for love for a few months, and devote them to do whatever is healing for you, or cheers you up, or makes you feel better about yourself.
When you will be in better spirits, and a bit more secure, you can give it another try.
But for now, as much as you reject the idea of being alone ( or , to say it better, partnerless ) ... well, isn't it always better to be alone than in bad company ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): I'm the op , it's not friends with benefits, it's an actual relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): im the op , plan on friends with benefits we planned on being a couple
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 I hate to break it to you -- but a FWB is someone you have sex with when it is mutually convenient for the two of you. Generally speaking there isn't supposed to be any emotional connection.
It sounds like you want a little more than a FWB and it sounds like your mate either doesn't want this (with you) or isn't capable of it due to his flakiness. My guess, from his actions, is that he isn't into you.
To really achieve the happiness you are looking for, I think you need to ask yourself what do you want? If you just want casual sex, why hang yourself up with this one guy who isn't really available?
But if you really want someone who is going to respect you and not treat you casually, you have to return the favor and that takes time and some emotional effort. Those relationships can be much more soul satisfying, if you are willing to take the time to look for one.
Either way, I do think you have some soul searching to do. Right now, I think you have conflicting motives and this will ultimately lead to the turmoil you are feeling.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2016):
 I don't think FWB are for you. AT ALL.
The whole IDEA of a FWB is that there are NO demands, no responsibilities, no commitment and no need to explain why he is cancelling.
He isn't your BF he is the guy you occasionally (or often)
have sex with and occasionally (or often) talk to.
I think you have different expectation of a FWB than he is willing to give. Maybe because deep down you don't WANT a FWB, but have settled for it as you seem to think you can't GET anything better.
So maybe rethink this, and not give up and finding a BF.
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