A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:well this is going to be long. Nearly two years ago I started an affair with a married man ( i was married too). After 5 months or so I was pregnant. I knew it was his child and he never doubted that. He stood by me and our relationship grew. We became closer and closer and we love each other to bits. I seperated from my husband and I'm all his now. He's still with his wife as they have a child together. He says that he loves me more and he wants to wait for her to travel for good (in the next 6 months) before moving in with me as he doesn't want to lose his child with a break-up.I do understand the situation he's in, but i'm getting very jealous of him sleeping with her every night and him being too caring to her. When I tell him that i hate being his second best or when i ask him to stay for the night he says i'm being selfish.I must say that he's very helpful and he always stood by me in anything.....but i need him with me all the time...I really feel lost without him.I feel down because if he doesn't want to hurt her and lose his child....does he prefer hurting me and losing my child??? Moreover, I don't know what to do to limit my emotions regarding this thing.
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female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (19 November 2007):
 He is having his cake and eating it! Can't you see that? All married men who cheat very rarely leave their wives. They are cowards. You should never have gone near him in the first place. You were married yourself. What exactly does marriage mean to you? And how did you end up being so irresponsible to get pregnant? No contraception? You were asking for trouble. Having unprotected sex with a married man is not exactly going to give you the wonderful fairy tale life that you want is it? He won't leave his wife and even if he does how long will you last? The whole point of cheating is the excitement of being caught out. Once he's with you and its all above board what makes you even think he will stay with you? He has all that history with his wife who was the first woman to give birth for him. How do you know that he won't start sleeping with her again once you're together. Men are rats and you as a woman have made a bad name for us all. You should be feeling sorry for his poor wife. The only people who are going to sympathise with you here are the people who are able to cheat and are in similar situations as yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I don't know how you can find the gaul to complain about your situation. If you wanted to have a normal relationship you should have dated someone who wasn't married. You chose instead to date someone who was UNAVAILABLE. And in so doing you have destroyed the integrity of this family. What do you expect??
If you want to start limiting your emotions you could start by acting like an adult and start acting like you have some integrity. For starters, it would help you alot if you did some soul searching and realised that what you did to this woman's family was so wrong. Have you got any shame?? Any scruples??
As for now, you made your bed now you have to lay in it. I say deal with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): He is being disloyal and choosing his wife - equal footing because he has fathered children with you both so that is not the reason. He is making excuses -they always do. Maybe he would like it if you met someone else and asked a new bloke to move in? After all.... why should you keep waiting?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): Birth control. Look into it.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (18 November 2007):
I'm sorry to say but he is never going to leave his wife for you. He would have done by now if he ever was going to.
You are just going to have to accept that you will be the other woman in his life, if you believe his stories about waiting for this or waiting for that then you will be waiting for a long time.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (18 November 2007):
 In the beginning you were both married. you are both equally responsible for the quagmire. But since he never promised you that he would leave his wife and additionally you were also married, you cant ask him to be yours only. His attitude is fair. He did not ask you to leave YOUR marriage...But it is alright that you feel this way. You alse never intented this result. A single divorced mum and hidden affair. Here his wife is also a victim you should consider.If possible...the best choice for you is to stop this affair and find someone else. Be open and honest to him. But you can hope also that your babys father might voluntarily leave his wife, while simply accepting this situation and role. But do not put pressure on him. You have no right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): I have points for you to consider, but firstly I would like to say I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Unfortunately you and he have created a situation which now others will get terribly effected and hurt by so you need to take some responsibility in the choices you made, likewise him. In a way you summed it up in your last sentence that he doesn't want to hurt her or loose his child but happy to do the opposite to you. It is because she is his primary relationship, the one that he has betrayed and responsible for. You were an affair.
His wife has done nothing wrong and not created the drama that you and he are facing. She has a life and child with him which you are not privy too. She also, I would assume, knows nothing about her husbands indiscretions. You cannot accept his words about how successful his marriage is or isn't. You can only observe his actions. Unfortunately you need to accept that he has been having an affair with you, whilst mantaining a relationship with his wife. It would be difficult to assess if you were initially as important to him as he was to you. Now that you have a child he needs to make some decisions which perhaps he never originally thought he would be making. Because he is still with his wife and family he must care. It is reasonable to assume that his comments about leaving her are just words and not necessarily going to become action. My instinct tell me if he was going to be with you he would already be.
I have seen many many post of husbands who apparently love there lover but stay with there wives, because of the children. So you have to accept the fact that his actions in staying are because of a choice he has made. If he wanted to be totally with you he would already have acted on this. He would at least be living separately from his wife. Staying because of the child and waiting until she travels 'for good' is to put it bluntly - bullshit. It is a way to deal with and defer your expectations of what is going to happen now. Equally the fact that you have ended your marriage and now have a child would normally give him the green light if he wanted to start a life with you.
I think he has got himself into a big mess and is trying to keep his head above water. It is time for you to ask some hard questions. He can still be a father to his children - both yours and hers - without staying in a relationship which he does not want to stick with.
If his excuse to not be with you at this time is because of his child then your question should be what is the difference in 6 months time when she supposedly leaves. That just to me sounds like a deferring tactic until he works out how to get out of the mess he is in. You need to get tough now to see what on earth you have created in your life and now your childs. It is time to do the right thing for your baby.
My advise is to focus on your child. Get financial assistance from him but be firm about him sorting his life out. You may have to accept that his original intention in starting a relationship up with you was just for personal satisfaction and not because he wanted to start a new life, with kids and fidelity. He may have just wanted you on the side but now it has become alot more complicated. To be honest I think you have been played and unfortunately as the old saying goes - 'your now left holding the baby'.
Be a good mum now. You child is going to have to live with all of this baggage as well so you need to get some definate answers - not excuses - from the childs father.
I must add - his opinion of you being selfish is a classic when you consider how he is conducting his life! Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): It's time to get your head out of the clouds and your feet on the ground. If he hasn't left his wife after two years for you, he's not going to. Statistically, married men who cheat almost never end up w/ the woman they were cheating with.
What does this mean for your child? You don't mention child support. Is your ex-husband paying or is the biological father paying? Does your ex-husband know this isn't his child?
You claim your lover "stands by you". Does that include birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries? Or are you someone he shoehorns into his life when it's convenient for him?
If you don't care about your own dignity and self respect, or his wife's or his child's, how about your own child's? Is it fair for her to go through life as his unwanted offspring or is it time for you to take charge of your own life for the sake of your child?
I'm sorry to be so blunt and I'm certain it hurts but you really need to start over with someone who will put you and your child first. You should be with someone who will take pride in your relationship.
Aren't you tired of the lies, the hiding, feeling bad and second best?
I wish you the very best and hope you'll get child support and move on to someone better.
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A
female
reader, maggie1987 +, writes (18 November 2007):
 if he says he loves you more then he wouldnt still be with his wife . as hes not being truthfull both you and his wife will be a lot more hurt in the long run when all this comes out. and it will come out just maybe not the way it should with him telling his wife , you should sit him down and tell him this is his last chance to tell his wife if not then you say you will tell her yourself and you wont be with him anymore , lying isnt doing any good it will hurt both you and his wife and the children involved
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A
female
reader, AnnaW219 +, writes (18 November 2007):
 hi im anna does his wife no Yes- why no keep him close to you as a friend if you want him as more that this then just tell him this as well if he is not talking to you totally ignoring youi and letting you down and your child down then call him and simply say please could you take (childs name) off my hands for a day or two why i get my head round things. if he says no then you no he doesnt want to be bovered with you or the child you need money for your child tell him that if he doesnt help and give money to help his child you would go to court.no- simply tell her then maybe she will tell him to help you. go to there house with your child and tell her the truth there in front of him so he cant deny it dont say it in nasty sort of way just say i thought you was going to tell her that might saught it out ok goodbye for know you want to talk about it just ask
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