A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m struggling with my feelings for one of my female friends.Two years ago I met her and we started dating. However, it only lasted a month. I had just got out of a relationship a few months before and although I initially thought I was over it - turns out I wasn’t. So I ended it with her. I honestly thought at the time I just wasn’t that Into her, but I realise now I just wasn’t ready to ‘connect’ with someone else. It was my first relationship so was inexperienced. She was good about it and understood. After that she became ingrained in my friendship group. We spend a couple of times a week together as a group and I have spent sometime alone with her as friends. In the last year my feelings for her have grown. It’s got to the point where I am definitely in love with her. Don’t think I even liked my ex more than this. She has a boyfriend now of 6 months. He is a lovely guy, but it is killing me having to see them both together all the time. I did try and distance myself for a while from the friendship group, but my friends got offended. I haven’t told any of them about my feelings for this girl as I don’t want to make things awkward, put them in the middle of anything and out of respect for the girl and her new BF. Plus some of these people have been my friends all my life and they are important to me. But I feel like my health is declining because of this. I struggle to sleep, I have lost weight, I can’t stop thinking about her and I feel sad. I feel like I’m going through a breakup. I have tried to move on and date other women but I realised I’m just doing to them what I did to her in the first place. So I stopped dating for a while. I have no trouble getting other women - I just don’t want another woman. I’m considering telling her my feelings. Not because I expect anything from her. I know she has a boyfriend and she seems happy. That’s all I want her to be. But because it’s eating me up and I feel like I need to express and be honest with my feelings. But apart of me worries this is me being selfish.I have backed off from her a little bit. She has noticed this and keeps asking me why I’m ‘acting weird’ and seems a bit upset about this as we are meant to be friends.If I tell her how I feel then hopefully she will understand if I act ‘differently’ or distance myself a bit, as will my friends. I will tell her that I am not expecting anything from her, I hope she’s happy. But that I need some space to move on. I honestly feel like an emotional wreck right now. I’m usually pretty solid in my emotions - or at least I though I was. But I need to move on. I’ve just turned soft and pathetic! This isn’t like me at all.So the question I’m asking is - DO you think I should tell her my feelings? Or is this selfish? Any ideas how I handle this situation? I need honest answers!!I don’t feel right telling my friends my feelings before telling her. But I’m worried if I distance myself then my friendships will be hurt by it.
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a break, has a boyfriend, move on, my ex, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 One more " stay put and don't say anything ". Yours is an arrogant, self centered perspective. You feel that you might have missed your big chance .... and ?... So what ?. The world does not revolve around you. Yes, it may have been bad timing , bad choices, bad judgement... or simply bad luck,.. whatever it was , it was something concerning you only, and it does not legitimate you to stir up drama in this girl's life , or her bf's life, perhaps even in your friends' lives.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): OP, it is indeed selfish to reveal your feelings, to her because you said that you just want her to be happy. That is good! She is happy so man up and swallow your pride, remembering that YOU are the one, who let her go! Was she supposed to just sit and wait, because you MIGHT change your mind, one day? You might, one day, when you see her w/o her bf being there, ask her how her relationship is going, then she will return a generic answer, like fine,Ok, good, pretty good, fair or even great, then you retort, is he good to you and does he treat you right? Do not get starry eyed romantic, when you ask, and DO NOT confess your feelings! She will see what a good friend you are due to your concern for her happiness and well being! Believe me friend, your sincere questions will speak to her, of your love caring for her! Be a man of noble character! If her and her bf are permenant, wish her well, and be a friend! If they split up, do you believe for one minute, that she will have forgotten her one TRUE friend?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): OP Here again
Should really mention, my OCD is not the reason I have feelings for her. Nor is it obsession - my OCD doesn’t work like that.
It’s mainly second guessing everything to try and avoid the worst possible outcome. It makes me struggle to make decisions. I ruminate over decisions. But it’s only the last two months it’s appeared.
I don’t want to freak people out thinking I’m an obsessed maniac or she isn’t safe around me. The only thing I’m not second guessing - is my feelings for her and that I need to move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Original poster here
Thank you for your honest answers.
I do want to clarify a few things though. Although please don’t take this as I’m not taking your advice on board - because I am. I do actually agree with a lot of things said. It’s hard sometimes to come across as you mean to when writing.
Firstly - I’ve actually had feelings for this girl for about a year. I haven’t just suddenly got feelings for her since she’s had a boyfriend. The only reason I didn’t tell her my feelings before was because her mom was going through the final stages of motor Neuron disease. I didn’t really think it was appropriate as she was obviously devastated. Then she started dating her boyfriend and I didn’t want to ruin that for her. I guess I didn’t explain it very well in my post. I also forgot to write a title so one was made up - my fault though.
Secondly - despite how it sounds. I do actually know that I’ve missed my chance. I’m under no illusion that she would want to be with me. Her new boyfriend is successful, smart and is genuinely a nice guy. I actually don’t have a bad word to say about him. Even I wouldn’t pick me over him. She does seem very happy with him, smitten in fact. Ive made my peace with the fact that nothing will ever happen between me and her. That’s exactly why I’m trying to move on.
Thirdly - I am the first to admit that I’ve been a jerk and made mistakes. No I should not have dated her so soon after my relationship ended. And no I shouldn’t have dated other woman when I have feelings for her. It took me a while to realise that and although that’s not an excuse - I do regret it. I try and pride myself on being respectful and doing the right thing. I have gone against my values and I do try and take lessons from everything. I grew up around mostly women who taught me to respect women. My mother would of bent me over her knee if she found this out. So I am ashamed of myself that I acted like that. It was very selfish of me I completely agree. I know this is all my fault and I guess this is my karma.
This is why I asked this question. I don’t want to be selfish and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I definitely don’t want to ruin her relationship. So, as you are all telling me that this would be a selfish act - then I accept that fully. And I thank you all for your honesty.
I’m not trying to defend myself as I know I’ve been a jerk - but I am coming from a good place. Just a guy trying to do what’s best for him without hurting anyone else. Cutting all contact with my ex helped me heal and move on. I can’t do that with this girl. I have to see her all the time. That’s what is messing me up. My friends all love her and I would never expect her not to hang out with them anymore because of me. This is my issue not hers.
We are a close knit group and I see these people as my family. I don’t want to cause issues, I don’t want them to feel like they have to pick sides and I don’t want them to have to arrange different ‘hang outs’ for me and her.
My feelings for her haven’t changed in a year, no matter what I do. Ive tried just ‘getting over it’ and I’ve tried ‘faking it’. Although I have been good at faking it until recently. It’s just getting harder. I’m trying to find a way to move on for myself. Without damaging my friendships or making her think she has done something wrong. That’s why I thought being honest would be a good idea.
I will also admit that I am not handling my emotions very well at the minute at all. I am all over the place and definitely ‘losing it’. That is why I thought it best to get advice before I make this decision. I did suffer from OCD when I was younger - mainly rumination of thoughts. I did have therapy for it when I was a teenager. I thought I was over it and managed to get a good grip on my thoughts and emotions. Im nearly 30 and I haven’t had any issues with it up until now. I am not using that as an excuse though - I still should know right from wrong. But it’s definitely made a re-appearance. I’m not really trusting my decisions at the minute because of it. And would not get into a relationship with her at the minute even if I had the chance. I may need to look Into therapy again when all the madness in the world dies down.
So if anyone has any ideas what I can do to try and move on except ‘fake it’ which isn’t working for me - then please let me know? Any advice is appreciated.
Again thank you all for your honesty and guidance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): Correction of typographical errors:
"It's selfishness and entitlement that says: "Well I wasn't ready; but I guess I am now. Guess I'll throw a wrench into your new relationship, and hope it gets complicated."
""The other relationship didn't workout, now lets go see if we can drop a bomb on her relationship, confuse her, and cause disruption!"
I always correct my typos or grammatical-errors. I don't want my point to be missed, or misunderstood!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): She now has a boyfriend, and telling her what you feel serves no purpose. So what? You blew your chance!
Now here's a dose of tough-love. I've got to give it to you like a man!
It's selfishness and entitlement that says: "Well I wasn't ready; but now I guess I am now. Guess I'll throw a wrench into your new relationship, and hope it gets complicated."
Her boyfriend would be greatly offended, and he should be. Don't toy with her feelings! The only reason you would tell her now, is to test her feelings to see if she'd leave her boyfriend for you. It has nothing to do with love...it's male-ego!!! She's not your property!
Keep your feelings to yourself. Control them like an adult. You can't always have what you want. You can't put people on-hold, or up on a shelf to wait; until you make up your mind how your feel, or figure-out what you want to do with them. When you were a teenager, that was okay; because you didn't know any better. Now all this nonsense, like you're so in-love that you're out of control! Well if you don't, an unexpected punch in the nose might solve that problem! Don't mess with her relationship!
It's very immature and self-centered behavior to be dancing from one person to the next; then back and forth. Thinking only of your own feelings.
Man-up, and deal with it! She's taken now...and NO, you are not in-love! You're behaving like a spoiled-child who ignored a certain toy until another kid played with it. Then you suddenly decide you like that toy! She's not a toy! You're being possessive, and coveting what you can't have. You didn't want her when you had her, but you don't want the other guy to have her either. "The other relationship didn't workout, not lets go see if we can drop a bomb on her relationship, confuse her, and cause confusion!"
Time to be a man. Enjoy hanging-out with your friends, keep a respectable distance from her; and fake-it until the feelings pass. Stop acting "weird" to draw attention to yourself. That's just to make her press you for a reason; so you can blurt-out your feelings.
Don't...even...try-it!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): Chiming in as the girl on the other side of a situation more or less identical to this one--except I'm not currently dating anyone. I want to offer another side because here's the thing: I think there is a good chance she knows and is bothering you about it because she can tell that you have caught feelings for her. Regardless of her current relationship, in her place I wouldn't be asking questions like this if I didn't want to hear the answer. If I was worried you had caught feelings and didn't want that disrupting my life, I would pretend not to notice that anything was wrong and just let you create whatever distance you need.
It takes a lot of compassion and bravery to accept being friends in this type of situation and allow the friendship to keep getting closer without it going in the romantic direction you hoped for. (Tbh, not to make this response about me but if you see this, OP, I would really love to know how this happened because I'm so scared that being friends with this person while he figures his own stuff out is just a recipe to be friend zoned forever...)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 July 2020):
 I wouldn't tell her either.
For the simple reason that nothing GOOD will come from that. SHE obviously was able to move on fairly fast and is now happy with the guy she is with.
IF you tell her, she might feel she has to choose or make a choice she ALREADY made.
How much is she into the friends group? Is her new guy part of that too? If so, then you really ought to tell her NEXT TIME she asks what's up, that you are processing things and her being around your friend group a lot makes it kind of harder for you.
If she is a decent person she will understand and back off YOUR friends, without either of you having to feel awkward about things.
Sorry, OP she moved on. Nothing you can do about this other than LEARN from it. Don't jump into relationship if you aren't totally over an ex. And dating other people if your mind is full of one person... isn't fair to these other girls.
Be single, BE OK with being single. Hang out with friend when SHE isn't around, maybe some of the guys, do things you enjoy and don't let this hold you back from living life. Sometimes things don't WORK out. Sometimes the timing just sucks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): I definitely feel you have lost it. Life works like the hands of a clock,when they leave a particular minute or hour, that's it. No need telling her. Just move on. What I expect you to do each time you see her is just greetings.
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