A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m struggling with something and I know it’s for the best. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Three years ago I almost filed for bankruptcy. I was very depressed but about two years ago, I met someone that was a good listener and all that. Aside from being very emotionally supportive, I did the heavy lifting in terms of getting my career back on track. In the past year, I’ve become financially stable and luckily made good money despite Covid. My now ex would ask for small loans and pay them back. For the past two months, he has not completely paid me back for the latest loans. He “pays” back by buying things for my new apartment. However, it’s like I bought them because he’s not paying the loans back. I broke up with him because of an incident related to his sister getting remarried. She had a court wedding and the reception included only 15 people, no children. He asked that I pay for everyone’s dinner and he’d pay me back half in a week. I became infuriated. Why on earth would I buy dinner for people I barely know? And alcohol too when I do not drink. Buying drinks for 14 people would probably be $500 First he says don’t bring a gift since she’s been married multiple times. She and her new husband are also well off financially, much more so than myself. I think another thing that bothered me was she bought herself a new and large Mercedes with the extra horsepower package but bought her first grandchild used items off the internet during a pandemic! So why on earth would my ex expect me to gift her half a dinner party???The baby was two months premature and the parents so very young so she clearly is very frugal I was so offended I was asked to buy dinner for all these people! I’m not even close to them. I had no problem buying a gift but spend hundreds of dollars? About 5-6 are adult children or nieces/nephews that have jobs. Why can’t everyone contribute? I was invited as a guest. The now ex also asked me to do this two hours before the reception. I lost it and said he wasn’t going to play the big spender role with my hard earned money. Another point was I know he was calling me from his sister’s home and I’m almost positive someone was encouraging him. I couldn’t hear what they were saying to each other. I feel abandoned and used. And angry. Who did he think he was to expect such an arrangement? Then this is all happened after a childhood friend refused to pay a 1,500 loan so I ended that friendship recently too. I had even said to just pay 1000 but she said she thinks I’m vulgar for buying a fancy purse then she blocked me. Thank you for listening. I feel a bit better by writing it out.
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bankrupt, broke up, depressed, money, my ex, the internet, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2021): You've done the right thing. Never lend money unless you are happy to give it to them as a gift. He was so rude to ask you to pay for everyone! Good for you telling him where to go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): New personal life rule going forward.......Never ever ever give anyone money.ever.It does not matter what their story is.Never loan or give money.If anyone asks you say...I do not have any money or I am really broke at the moment do you have any money you can give me? And always remember you cannot buy your friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): My dad used to joke, if you want to get a bad friend or a lousy lover out of your life...lend them money!
You did the right thing. When a relationship goes from romantic to transactional; it is emotionally devastating, and it breaks the heart. He must have forgotten you both were supposed to be in-love; you're not his local bank.
When you lend people money, you have to have them sign a repayment agreement; and set the terms of payback. There was no written agreement that strictly stipulates he has to repay you in cash. It's basically a verbal gentleman's agreement; leaving him the option to offer you things of value, or to release collateral.
Having no signed I.O.U, or a signed and notarized repayment agreement; he is left the option to pay as he pleases, if he pleases, and anyway he pleases.
If you can get him to agree by text, or email, to repay you the balance he owes you. That's proof you lent him money and he agrees to repay it; should you need to take him to small claims court.
Don't fret over spilt milk. You've come this far, and the mistake was lending money. Now you see him for who he truly is.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan doth oft lose both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.” Hamlet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 July 2021):
 I think you did the right thing, eventually.
By ending it.
However, LEARN from this. You are not a bank. Don't give out loans. Not unless there is a LEGAL document stating they will pay it back and how it will be paid back and when it will be paid back. It is just MUCH simpler and easier to keep money out of love, relationships, family, and friendships. It's OK to say: "no, I can't loan you the money, sorry. I have been burned too many times".
Your BF used you financially. And you "let" him.
If he borrowed $2000 and bought you a couch as payback you could have said no, take it back and give me the cash. You didn't HAVE to accept payment in furniture. If you get my point.
His sister and her new husband make more money than you, it was their wedding and they wanted YOU to pay for it? I mean WTF?! Where is the logic there? Sure, it might have been your BF wanting to show JUST how wealthy his GF is and how "generous" HE is... But I think there is more to it. Almost like a con game. I think he knew the "jig" with you was up, so he was going to pull one last game on you. (I could be wrong).
WHAT reason did he give that YOU should pay for HIS sister's wedding dinner? (Had he promised her he would pay? And then didn't have the money so he went to his dear ATM (aka you)? Expecting you to "loan" him more money? Yikes x100!
As for your friend (whom you also lend money to) what a cow and good riddance! I would totally put her on blast on social media. People don't like others to know their business so who knows that might make her cough up the money. I'm petty, I suppose but those would not have gone over so easily as just dumping her as a friend.
My advice?
Stop lending people money. (PERIOD) Absolutely not. UNLESS you can afford to give the money as a gift. Instead, put that money into a saving or invest it! For YOUR rainy day.
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