A
female
age
51-59,
*bewell
writes:I'm a 44 year old woman who was recently in a relationship with the man I planned to married. He is 47. We were in a serious relationship and were very much in love. We did everything together! He's never given me a reason to think that he was cheating on me but I just found out yesterday from his dad that he has a new girlfriend already and his dad says he doesn't like her. It took me by surprise because I know how much this man loved me but we were on the outs for a few weeks. Never confirming that we were broken up. He claimed he needed space. We had a argument that wasn't that big to me but We both went to far and said some hurtful things to one another. This has happen a few times before and he would ignore me for a few days if he was on the road until he was ready to talk about the situation. We've never had any infidelity just petty arguments. We've had more good times than bad but his excuse is that I don't know how to control what I say and I don't listen to him. I could say the same thing about him. He wants to control the relationship but I wouldn't allow that. I did respect him but wouldn't allow him to try to treat me like I was his possession or a child. Anyway to make a long story short, although he says he's never cheated on me, how can he have moved on so fast if we were just happily in love until the argument broke out? He stayed at his dad house the night of the argument and never came home or called for 18 days. I texted and called him and he didn't pick up or rarely answered my texts. Meanwhile he still had a key and I had a key to his dad house who we both were looking after. Two days before my birthday while I was out celebrating he took all of his things from my apt and I didn't find out until I got in. I believe he was cheating or at least talking to the woman for a while for him to move on so fast. Any advice?
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broke up, cheated on me, his ex, infidelity, move on, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lbewell +, writes (3 February 2016):
Lbewell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I said he wanted to control the relationship, I basically meant that he didn't want me to go certain places that I use to go. He wanted me to spend all my free time with him, which I didn't mind because we went on dates outside the house on regular occasions. He said I don't listen to him, which kind of through me for a loop because he wasn't always gentle with his words when he wanted me to listen. He blames the whole break up on me and doesn't take any accountability for the things he's done or said. He has plenty of female friends whom he calls his sisters that either dates his best friends or he has one that was his deceased ex wife best friend. He talks to these women almost daily and sort of gossips with them as well as give them advice on their relationship. I never had a problem with him talking to them because I've met all of them and been in their presence on several occasions. However, I never thought it was appropriate to do this but I accepted it and trusted him so it wasn't a big deal to me. On the flip side he didn't want me to accept any guys on social media that I didn't know. That played a big part in our arguments, social media. He blocked me from his pages last December and we never became friends again on social media because he claimed he couldn't deal with seeing guys like and comment on my pictures. I'm a very popular person in my hometown and I know a bunch of ppl. I have events that brings out big crowds and I'm very loved in my community. He knew all of these things when he pursued me but as we became closer he would complain about these same things that he claimed he loved about me in the beginning. I just honestly think he is a insecure person who doesn't believe he's never wrong and I'm realizing that this break up may have been the best thing for me.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2016):
 You are a grown woman, you can pay for you own phone.
Do you know if it's on contract? and if so, when the contract runs out? IF you do you could suggest to him that you send him the money monthly till the contract runs out, after that HE can cancel it. OR you can give him the phone and buy yourself a new one. I would suggest the latter, because that way you don't OWE him anything.
Just remember to write down the contact info/list from that phone to a new one.
You can get a perfectly functioning $10-20 phone at either Walmart/Dollar General that you use a pay as you go function with - some which are as low as $10.
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A
female
reader, Lbewell +, writes (3 February 2016):
Lbewell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing my cell phone is still on his name. I don't think he would just turn my phone off even though he pays the bill. I'm not sure how I should handle this. I haven't paid a cell phone bill in a year.
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A
female
reader, Lbewell +, writes (3 February 2016):
Lbewell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the feedback. I agree with most of the things you all said. I'm just gonna deal with the breakup the best way I can by not contacting him. We've already given keys back and exchanged not too good text messages. So I'm at a point where I really want to be happy and not dwell on what went wrong. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2016):
People move at different speeds. And you two seems to have fight over (what you call) petty things, so maybe you and he wasn't as good a match as you felt it was, at least he didn't.
Now of you two went through on/off phases - where you didn't talk to each other over petty things, maybe he simply had enough? And IF he was controlling as you call it, maybe he wasn't really a good man for you.
2 1/2 weeks is FAST to get a new GF, but it doesn't mean he had her lined up, but he could have known her before you two broke up. Doesn't mean he was cheating. Just means he COULD have.
I don't think he love for you was as deep as you may have thought. Talking marriage doesn't mean there will BE a wedding or that it will work out.
Either way, it's over. I'd give his Dad the key to the house you have and work on moving on yourself. And change the locks at your own place.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 February 2016):
 "He wants to control the relationship". What exactly does this mean? Did he tell you what to do and what not to do? What to wear? Who you could or couldn't talk to?
If this is the case then I'd say that such relationships never really succeed unless the partner is submissive and gives in to make peace. Maybe he felt that it just wasn't working out with you and while you feel that you had a small argument, it was the last straw for him. Maybe he moved on this quickly to just prove a point to you that he's done with the relationship. I don't think he was cheating on you, I don't even think that he's thought the new relationship through; he just seems to be dating someone else to prove a point to you.
Anyway, it seems to be over and now you know that he was never really "in" love. You don't just move on this easily.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2016):
 It doesn't matter. You're not together, and he's not cheating on you now. Whether he did or not in the past doesnt change the present. But for what it's worth, I don't think he cheated. If he did, and now you're broken up and he's already seeing someone else, there's no reason for him to lie about it to you if you're asking him. He'd flat out tell you. But he said no. It's fully possible for some people to move on fast without that meaning they cheated or didn't have genuine feelings. Im one of those people, so I speak from experience. I move on very quick after break-ups, and not because Ive cheated (never cheated), and not because I didn't love the other person. But because I am capable of developing feelings fast, and also capable of separating feelings in my head. I can be in love with multiple people at the same time, my heart is big that way. So no problem falling it love, genuinely, with someone new while still having feelings for someone else. I also have no problems closing off feelings for someone else. If a relationship is over I accept that fact and don't allow myself to dwell on the feelings for that person.
I know now that not all people can do this, which is why it's hard to believe. It's often near impossible to believe what you can not yourself experience. Maybe YOU couldn't have moved on that fast without having cheated in the first place. But just because you couldn't have done it, doesn't mean he is incapable of it.
My two cents is: he did not cheat. He just moved on faster than what you could have done.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2016):
 Getting a new girlfriend does not mean he moved on. After we break up with someone we are actually in the most vulnerable state, perhaps desperate. The desperateness drives some people to go on a frantic search, maybe online. They say to themselves, they promise they are going to get it right this time. They are going to avoid mistakes in the past. Find someone different from their exes. Adding that with his age he feels he needs to settle down fast. He has no time to wait anymore. Then when some female replies, maybe he's like she's got to be the one, the soulmate. Not all people would spend months to grieve over the loss. In fact dating websites are full of people who had just broken up.
I think he needs some woman who he feels would be submissive to him, would not have male friends, and would not do anything to cause his insecurity. He may be a person that falls in love fast then burns out just as fast.
You may blame yourself for the arguments and feel that if he cheated it would make more sense. You should not feel you did anything to cause the break up. You can do better than him. Whether he cheated or not, he's not good for you. The in-loveness means nothing if he's out of love so quickly. All that talks about marriage means nothing too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2016): Yes he was already involved. Please change the locks on the doors immediately, change all of your passwords and cancel all credit cards and bank accounts in common. He has moved on in the most despicable manner and now, for no reason you are the enemy. He will behave in the same manner to the next one....do not attempt to contact him....he showed his true colors. Stay strong and move on with your friends and family.
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