A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Well I have a bit of a problem. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we are going to be married in a few months. When we were first together, he was a sensual and giving lover, and did perform oral sex on me occasionally. But as time has gone on our sex has become very basic. He never goes down on me, however takes as much oral from me as he can get. I am very sexually liberated, he on the other hand tends to be conservative. He doesn't want me to have a vibrator, and now never performs oral sex. Occasionally he will finger me. He doesn't kiss me like he used. He is touch sensitive at times, and doesn't like things close to his face. I love him dearly, but as time goes on I find myself more sexually frustrated, masterbating while hes asleep at night to satisfy myself. I don't know how many times he will roll over and go to sleep after hes orgasmed and leave me without one. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he gets defensive.How do I speak to him about this without offending him. Is it possible to inspire a person to be more sexually creative? Does anyone have any experience of being with a touch sensitive lover?M
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oral sex, orgasm, sexually frustrated, vibrator Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): It sounds like you are in love with him head over heels and would do anything for him. But you have not created an environment where a man who is in love with you is motivated to do anything for you. Let the chase begin! Be difficult, challenging, unpredictable, narcissistic, moody, loving and wonderful at the same time! Avoid talking about the same thing over and over, avoid complaining that he does not make you happy (teach him how to make you happy). He probably wants you to be the best and be happy. I bet that will turn him on, he just does not understand that he also have the ability to make you happy. He fell in love with you because you were all that, happy and wonderful. Pull yourself together.
A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I wonder why he lost intrest in you! He may have lost a bit of respect for you as your doing EVERYTHING for him, a bit like a mother and I'm sure you don't want to be his mum do you? He's a man not a boy. You got to stop doing everything for him, you get up at 4 to make him breakfast?? I could never do that!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): From experience, do not marry him! He is selfish and after even a few years of marriage you will not be happy and will either have an affair, or end it. By that time, you will probably involve kids. It is so early in your relationship, this guy should still be worshipping the ground you walk on. Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but is a bonding, tender, emotional act that shows how much you love each other. It should never be "taboo". You should be able to tell your best friend what you want and he/she should be willing to give, unconditionally.He will only think of himself and it will carry on in other areas of your relationship.LOSE HIM...remember, people do not change!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Guys,I posted these thoughts into the nothingness that the internet sometimes assumes to be, and I come back in a few days later to find all these people who have taken so much time to reach out to me and offer advice. Thank you so much.Its hard to reconsile the fact that sex sometimes is separate from love, you can love someone so intensely and still have these sexual issues.I think I will withhold some of my attention to him in bed, I think I make it all to easy for him. Maybe if he had to do some chasing it would be a different story. I wait on him not only in the bedroom, but in everyway, I cook for him, wash his clothes, pack his lunch and make his breakfast at 4am before he leaves for work. I spend my life serving him, which I do because I want to....but I am realising that I have allowed him to become the taker here without giving to much back in return. He didn't even buy me a birthday present this year, so yeah.....its a bit one sided.Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk  +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Men want what they cannot have.
He got you and he lost interest. You are not getting attention/sex and you are perceived as needy. Needy people are a turn off. Pull back, postpone your marriage, get a new friend and spend time with that person. GET HIS ATTENTION.
I am sure he loves you but he only cares about satisfying his own needs. You are in love with him, and he likes the fact that you love him. He takes you for granted.
I would suggest for you to move out and live independently. Try dating him again. If nothing improves, dump him for good.
Also, don't talk, talk, talk. Men hate that. If you said it once, you said enough. Now it is time for him to act.
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A
male
reader, Trying Hard +, writes (1 December 2007):
You wont be having any sex or almost none in 5 years, if you last that long. Think long and hard before you move to the next step. Once you have kids you will feel unable to leave, at least I do. I have crappy sex about 2x a month, if things are bad they will only get worse.... Good luck
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (30 November 2007):
 Hmm. Well I would say if the desire is not there - then it's not there!!! It may be him, or it may simply be the chemistry between you. It may also just be a temporary phase, but somehow I don't get the impression it is.
The solution? Before deciding anything, you need to have the conversation with him. Start with printing off this page, with your question and the answers. (If you are emabarassed about what you've said, find some other people who posted similar questions and print those off as well. Shows you're not unusual). If he refuses to talk or is defensive as you say, then simply make an advance appointment to discuss it. Tell him that after the discussion you will be considering the future.
And frankly, that is exactly what you have to do. You have to judge how important this imbalance in sex drives is to you. Yes - you have to re-consider the marriage.
Just to cover the other points you mention: The vibrator issue - give him a choice, he either meets your needs every time you ask or you are allowed your own set of vibrators.
Touch sensitive - no I don't really know anything about this. Sounds more like touch aversion than sensitive.
Inspiring sexual creativeness? Yes I do think this is possible - but not if the sex drive isn't there. And it sounds to me as low sex drive for him, high for you.
It's your future, like any question that is not black or white, you need to gather as much information as possible and then come to a judgement.
Good luck
Richard
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (30 November 2007):
As much you may love him,it'll be harder and more painful when you wed.Continue to talk to him about it and try to make him continue on one of those moments he rolls over.He may be having a serious problem that you are not aware of which may affect him even in the sex dept.The fact that he's already proved how great a lover he can be,there's possibility if him brnging back his "glory" days.Be calm and understanding but continue telling him how you feel and if he doesn't wana change,you always have the option of leaving.Better than cheating on him but try harder to help him.I hate seeing relationships break up because of sex.I've been there.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (30 November 2007):
Do you really want to be married to an selfish lover? sex is not the most important on the list but its right up there! and has broken up relationships. You deserve better than this, it's pretty strange his like this even before you marride but a good thing is at least you KNOW this now so it won't be an massive problem in the future. Like another poster said, do you really want too be with a man like this?
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A
female
reader, josephinesmom +, writes (30 November 2007):
you could talk to him.. but he's setting up his sexual routine. He did what he needed to draw you in and now he's got you.
If he isn't meeting your needs and you can't satisfy him- compromise successfully ..then leave.. run for the hills and never look back. Especially if you know he's just gonna do it good for a while and then go back to his selfish routine.
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A
female
reader, josephinesmom +, writes (30 November 2007):
you could talk to him.. but he's setting up his sexual routine. He did what he needed to draw you in and now he's got you.If he isn't meeting your needs and you can't satisfy him- compromise successfully leave.. run for the hills and never look back.
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A
female
reader, Absolutioness +, writes (30 November 2007):
 From my personal experience on a close subject I'd suggest for you to improvise if you really think that this guy is the one you want to marry & spend your life with. 1st I wouldn't talk on that subject just yet, I'd come up with some foreplay for the next intercourse. Have a nice, quiet dinner, romantic if you and him (both) like it. Try to keep it as close to what you both like, watch a movie that you like, maybe with some erotic elements, up to you. Then don't jump in the sack to have him satisfy himself & snore it up, but try to keep it slow, tease him. I'm pretty sure you remember the ways to make man want you without laying your hands or anything else on his manly part. If he won't play along, well bad news. But really try & see if he'll play along with you, be it a roleplay or a romantic foreplay. If he still won't get into it, just finish it for that day/night, don't stop him and don't push him off just to talk on the issue, in most cases leads to fights. And next day just sit with him & open up, ask why wouldn't he do what pleases you, and yet would accept what pleases him. Maybe the only problem here is that you need to spice things up a little. And even if you success on it and things are better - I'd still recommend for you to talk to him, ask if that's the thing he wants/needs, and if so then if you're alright with it then both of you should work on it, not only you. Infact he'd know better what he likes, same for you. Anyways, hope any of this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): If i was you i wouldnt get married just yet. Have a chat with him, i know you say he get on the defensive, but so what, this is important to both of you. Let him know that this isnt going to work unless things improve in the bedroom department. He has to listen or you have to seriously question if you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with this bloke. Life is too short to waste!
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 November 2007):
 I guess the question is, are you prepared to spend your life with this man knowing he is not interested in meeting your needs in the bedroom? I assume you realise things won't improve after you get married.
Some men will do anything to please a girl and then when things settle down they dont think they have to make any effort.
First thing you should do is stop giving him oral sex. Dont you believe the relationship should be two way? If he's not giving it to you , there is only one way to make him realise he is being insensitive. Sometimes it takes a real kick in the teeth for us guys to realise we are neglecting the love of our life. If you let us get away with it , nothing will change.
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