A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a few relationships where my boyfriends would watch porn. I had a very hard time with it at first because I felt that I wasn't good enough so they had to look elsewhere... I now have done more research and understand it more - so here comes my problem... I have been with my current boyfriend for 9 months and I can finally say that I have fallen in love with him. He treats me very well and we have built a relationship from a friendship - which we both agreed makes everything so much better. Up until a few weeks ago - I couldn't tell you one serious argument we got into, so things have been amazing. BUT... now I'll explain the problem I am having...Our sex life from the very beginning has been great. We have sex multiple times a day, every day we spend together (usually 3-4x a week). We both are on the same page about the things we like and always try to incorporate something exciting into our sex life. On top of this, We have always been upfront and honest about sexual activities we enjoy.I had completely randomly brought up the porn subject one day, but decided to take a different approach and understand that porn is part of men's life so I'm not going to try to change that. I said that I think it's a turn on to watch porn while having sex (everyone likes porn... just saying). He was thrilled with this! So when he turns on the porn it doesn't bother me in the slightest... I had previously explained that I have zero problem watching porn together, but I don't really like him watching it by himself when I'm not there. I mean sometimes i'm just in the house and he watches it - which is fine. I don't think that i was out of line with this request and he completely agreed with me.... BUT - I had gone on the computer for business and as I was trying to get the internet to work... and somehow I clicked the history button instead of bookmark and to my surprise what seemed like millions of porn sites popped up in the history. Now i know he had gotten some for us to watch, but there's no way that's all those were about. I began questioning him about it and he promised he was telling the truth that he was only watching porn with me and those websites were for us. I believed him... until I got nosy (I know... it was wrong) and I uncovered literally over 30 porn sites he had in his database in his phone. Now, it doesn't tell me how many times he has frequented those sites, but they have all been after we has this discussion. I now feel like I was lied to and betrayed, we've never lied to each other. And I don't know how to talk to him about it because I feel very guilty for looking in his phone. I never have snooped through his texts, emails, facebook, etc. just the web history. I really am at a standstill about what to do.... if anyone has advise that may help me I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want to blow this out of proportion but I can't find a solution?! Thank you.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 July 2012):
 To me there's a pretty clear cut difference between watching it together and watching alone and I entirely see why you would be upset by the lying. Like I said, that book is a great one for helping you understand why he would feel such a strong need to lie about it, even when you watch together and will help him understand why it's undermining to your relationship to lie/say he won't watch alone and do it anyways.
Don't let anyone try to invalidate your feelings. I think Cerberus' insights are very good.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): For some reason the site won't let me log in - but I'm the one who posed this question. Just so everyone is aware I love porn... It doesn't bother me - what bothered me was him "possibly" lying about it - I'm not controlling... I asked a simple request - I am sure other women wouldn't even attempt to compromise in this situation. Doesn't matter though... Latest update - I openly talked to him and I was right - he was lying - so who knows what to do now but thanks for attempting to help I guess - everyone has strong opinions on this... So next time I'll just keep it to myself. Have a nice day
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): Actually female anon it is that clear cut.
She doesn't like porn because she doesn't like the idea of her boyfriend looking elsewhere, she has then come to the wrong conclusions that she's just going to have to accept it as it's "what we guys do" (it's not) and that as long as she is there when he's watching it then that's okay. That doesn't mean she's okay with it, that means she's given up and come up with the idea that as long as she can completely control his usage that it will be okay but she can't control it.
If she was okay with porn then she wouldn't be here, his usage wouldn't bother her seeing as they have a good sex life. She's under the wrong impression that if she can control it and all aspects of his porn use that she will be okay but all that has happened is she has put very strict conditions on its usage and he's not followed them, to be honest her conditions were never going to work because it is that clear cut, you're either okay with it or your not.
We don't even know if he lied or not female anon, that may well have been what he was doing (looking for good porn for their next session), if she was okay with porn then she wouldn't have a problem with him searching for some good stuff while she's not there (there is nothing to say he was actually getting off on it while she isn't there) and the problem here is she's still not okay with it otherwise why is she automatically assuming she can't trust him? If he was trying to hide it then he would delete his history or browse privately.
The OP says she has researched it well she needs to research it better and person12345's links on her profile are a very good place to start.
I used to advise women who came here to do what the OP has tried but I've learned over time it's futile, if you don't like it, if it makes you feel insecure you're never going to be able to accept it and you don't have to, to have a good relationship.
Again the OP needs to check out person12345's links and with the knowledge she gains just tell her loving, caring and sexually adept boyfriend that she's tried it, doesn't like it and would rather they didn't have it in their relationship, my money is on him giving it up for her. The OP needs to understand that not only does she not like it but she doesn't have to like it nor accept it to have a good relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): It's nothing about control and saying that a person either likes it or doesn't - pretty black and white? i think the problem here is that he's lying about it. if he would have stated this initially or talked to her about it when the originally talked - there wouldn't be a problem. hiding things is hiding things - clearly she enjoys porn... so that's clearly the problem here.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Once again I agree with YouWish and Cerberus.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Something about this whole thing doesn't sit well with me. You're either for porn or against porn. This whole "He can only watch it when I'm with him or I'm home" thing is a bit controlling.
This says to me that you want to be in control and want to own his sexual responses, and that he cannot have sexual release without your permission. That isn't cool.
Either like porn or hate it. Either want to watch it or not. But telling him that he can only watch it either with you or while you're in the house is screwy. If your sex life isn't suffering, you're not against porn, and his sex drive for you is undiminished, then what is the problem exactly?
I have a hard time when a man wants to own a woman's sexual release, and I have a hard time when a woman wants to own a man's, especially to the point where you're snooping all over his computer and phone monitoring his life. You're acting like a control freak. This isn't about porn or sexual compatibility. This is about you making sure that he can only orgasm with your permission. Geeze.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): I don't understand the problem OP, you say "understand that porn is part of men's life so I'm not going to try to change that." but you don't like it when he does and do try and change that.
OP he could well be telling the truth about finding stuff for you both to watch, finding good porn can take a while and he may just want to find good stuff so you don't spend that time searching for ages instead.
You said he could watch porn OP, what difference does it make whether it's with you or not? He's still looking at other women, I mean is he allowed to go and shag other women too as long as you're the there to watch?
OP you either do or you don't like porn, you either are okay with it or you're not, but you seem to think you can either change yourself or change the guy to suit your needs.
if your read person12345's links you'll see it's not a part of a man's life there are plenty of guys that don't watch it, plenty of guys that will give it up completely.
You should never agree to something in a relationship you're not okay with deep down OP and you're not okay with porn deep down your past experiences are proof of that.
Why not just ask him to stop completely? Have you tried that?
Try talking to him about this and tell him you tried to but you can't have porn in a relationship it makes you feel horrible, it's very possible he will stop it outright.
Try that and see what happens. And next time OP when vetting a guy as a potential partner please make sure he's not a guy that does something that you're against, relationships like that rarely work as you have a constant source of conflict.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 I think a couple can use porn as you are describing, but the problem comes when one person is watching more than the other. I do not know how much porn your boyfriend watches, but to me, it's not different than anything else you can make a habit or become addicted to. You could be an excessive knitter and could be doing so much that it could harm your relationship. You could be a hoarder and could be doing so much it could hurt your relationship. It really doesn't matter to me why people do what they do, if it's hurting the relationship then people need to work together to help the situation.
With all of that said, I do not really see how your boyfriend collecting porn sites is really that big of a deal. You agreed to watch it together, he is probably just getting ready for your viewings. Kind of like saying you and your boyfriend agreed to only eat candy bars in the presence of one another, but you found a box under his side of the bed. What's wrong with it?
Lots of people do lots of things, but when you allow something that has the possibility of becoming addictive or luring someone into a habit, you are always asking for trouble.
I don't think I would "confront" him, I would ask him about it in a loving way.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 July 2012):
This an increasingly common problem among couples nowadays. I have many, many links to articles on this issue on my profile that I think you will find helpful. You can get there by clicking on my username and they are all in the big blue box.
I also highly recommend you read the book "The Porn Trap" by Wendy and Larry Maltz, it's written specifically for couples dealing with this issue. It gives tips on how to talk about it, gives you a bit of insight into why he would lie/why it has nothing to you, and helps him understand just why this is so devastating to you. It offers solutions.
I recommend you at least read some of the articles I posted before you confront him. I know you're probably feeling really hurt right now and if you confront him, it will likely be really hard for you to remain calm. If you start crying or shouting he will immediately retreat or become defensive and that's unproductive. You should take some time to gather your thoughts and feelings before trying to speak with him and if you feel yourself getting angry or upset, take some deep breaths and try to remain as calm as possible.
Best of luck.
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