A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend sent me a text today saying "I wish I could have sent you a pic of the women that just left my job , holy crap I think she was a pole dancer hahaha with 2 kids" I have to be honest this hurt my feelings because I have low self esteem and he knows this , I really wish he would have kept that thought to himself .I acted like it didn't bother me and just said " well that MILF better leave Ya alone cutie," and made a wink face and a haha remark . Did I do the right thing to ignore this ? Is he testing me or something ? We just recently got into a fight about him commenting on girls pics on FB but are over that now. What should I do if he makes another comment like this ? He is great in every other way and I really like him . Thanks for any input . He is also 16 years older than me so maybe me being younger in my generation is more jealous ? I dunno thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): Hi
If any partner of mine made any such comments about another woman, I would be very mindful of why?
It is, I think, an orchestrated move to make you feel insecure. You need hardly any brains at all to realise that this would hurt your partner. I think it's incredibly naive to think it was just a comment and he had no other intention. Of course he did.
If I had a partner who genuinely thought that it was ok to make this kind of comment and that I wouldn't be upset, I would dump him for lack of brains. Sadly, I think your boyfriend is more clever than this and he knew how it would make you feel.
If you are staying with him, then be on the look out for more behaviour of this sort. Things to make you insecure, upset and unhappy. I'm guessing you will see more of the same.
As to what you should do? Only you can decide. But be aware of how happy or unhappy his behaviour is making you. You can't control his behaviour but you can control whether you put up with it or not.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 April 2015):
 This is a delicate situation.. because HE shouldn't be so inconsiderate as to have sent that note.... and it leaves you with no graceful way to "confront" him, to let him know how inappropriate it is.... Therefore,....
... take some quiet time when you and he are together and bring it us calmly. Tell him that receiving that message made you feel hurt.... Ask him if there is/was anything more to it than just his wanting to share with you.
As the conversation proceeds... I expect you might get to "tell him" that you hope to not receive anything like it in the future.... AND, that you are surprised that he even THOUGHT that you would want to hear about it...
I predict that the conversation will go one of two ways:
1. He will protest to you (all those "guy" reasons that we have)... then you're "being too sensitive" or "being intensely jealous".... and/or that the note was all "in fun". That's not good... because it means that he really has little or no respect for you.... and you and he will probably have to part ways before too long.... OR...
2. He will listen to you.... apologize for his inconsideration.... and promise that it won't happen again (and it WON'T!!!).. in which case, perhaps the two of you can continue on... with these "new rules"....
Like several others... I was surprised to learn the nature of your age difference... since his behaviour was very juvenile....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2015):
 I think his text was ridiculous. While he might just have been in awe of this mother of two pole-dancer, his text to you is what I would think inappropriate. The whole, I wish I could have sent you a picture of her.. LOCKER-ROOM mentality - or the mentality and maturity of a 14 year old.
Does he normally not have a filter? Does he say things like this often?
While I get what Auntie Bim Bim is saying (that there will always be better looking people out there and he was "just" impressed by her "fitness" or whatever - I think there is SUCH a thing to THINK before you speak (or text).
If you were at the local pool and this dude walks past and it looks like he has a penis the size of a forearm, would YOU think it would be appropriate to text your BF a "OH man I saw this guy in a tiny banana hammock and I have NO idea how he KEPT it in his pants! I should have taken a photo!!
I DO think your answer was good though. It wasn't a OMG I'[m offended that you looked at another woman. Maybe next time ASK him why on Earth, he thinks you'd need a picture of a fit pole-dancer.
People in relationship will STILL notice attractive people, we don't go blind. But there are some boundaries that are just common sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): I thought he was a young immature guy straight away not an older guy with a younger girlfriend!
He's doing this on purpose. My older ex used to. It's to keep you in your place. You should have replied 'Wow she sounds worth banging. Make sure you wear a condom if she gives you a private lap dance'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): When I read your post I assumed your man was a lot younger than you as he sounds immature but he's older!!. Ultimately we all find other people attractive from time to time but it's pretty poor to be commenting about other women regularly to your partner. My guess is that he's with a younger woman (you) and quite likes chipping away at your self esteem as actually he could well be the one worrying about keeping hold of you. The best thing to do is start commenting on men. Just little comments about this hot guy at work etc. See what response you get and definitely mirror his actions on Facebook. Find the hottest guy you know and leave the page open on that. If he doesn't see the error of his ways then you might want to re think whether it's a relationship you want. My boyfriend is two years younger than me. I'm 43 and he would never do that and has never.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): He shouldn't have said a thing. What was his purpose of telling you he should have sent a picture ? Does he think you are bisexual and interested in women
This is nothing to do with noticing attractive propel and everything to do with respect
Personally I would let him know about some hot young studs closer to your age who are likely to have much greater sexual prowess and stamina. Maybe then he would think about how you feel
Sound borderline abusive to me, if he knows you have low self esteem it's like he is trying to keep you insecure or questioning whether he finds other women more attractive . Perhaps he is secretly worried because you could get another man easily
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 There are ALWAYS going to be women who look better than us, who have nicer hair than us, who have bigger, bluer eyes, or bigger browner eyes, whose eyelashes are naturally curly and long, whose lips don't need any augmentation, whose bodies are to die for, who have wonderfully attractive hands even when they DON'T wear gloves for housework....
You boyfriend saw a women today who, despite having a couple of kids, looked fantastic, just like a pole dancer. She exists and she looks like that.
What do you want him to do, cover his face so he can't see these people? See these people who amaze him, for whatever reason be it they have kids but look like a pole dancer, and not share that with you? What if it was some old guy with the longest comb over ever seen, or the biggest, most bulbous nose? Can he text you about seeing that?
Do you really want him to be carefully thinking and editing his every word and keeping his thoughts to himself? Is there really no room in your relationship for spontaneous communication?
I think you need to work on your self esteem issues, and appreciate the first thing your boyfriend saw something he found amazing was to tell YOU about it!
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