A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey aunts, I need some help...I have been with my gf for over a year. As a couple, personality-wise and the like, we are great. We share many common interests and opinions, and when we talk, we can talk for hours and never run out of stuff to say. However, in the past few months, we've started to have some problems. She has "stood me up" on many occasions - I lost count - every time having a completely believable and reasonable excuse. She did take a huge class load this spring so being behind in schoolwork was common. Also, she has admitted to me that she has a hard time saying "no" to her parents, so sometimes her parents would, without informing her, setup engagements for her (help out at community events, come to a family reunion, etc.) that somehow always seemed to conflict with our plans. (I think her parents are doing this as their less-than-subtle way to express their opinion of me...)So, this past week, we were supposed to go to an event that I'd been looking forward to for months. At the last minute - and I do mean literally the last minute, I was about to head out the door - she texted to let me know she was sick, and that her mom was taking her to the doctor the next day. One of her parent issues is she won't talk to me on the phone around them, so this entire exchange occurred in text messages.A few years ago, I'd been in a relationship where I got angry, a lot. I sought out help for it, and I felt I'd conquered it. However, when my GF told me she had to cancel - AGAIN - I just lost it. I haven't lost my temper like that in YEARS. I said hurtful things, accused her of stuff, etc. Eventually she went away and said "I can't fight with you, I really feel like sh*t" and nothing else. I haven't heard from her for 2 days.Now I feel completely terrible. On one hand I feel my feelings (not my anger) are justified - being stood up, even if the reasons are valid - hurts. On the other, here's this girl I am supposed to love, care about, and when she tells me she's sick, I lash out at her as if it's her fault. I don't even know what ended up happening with her illness since she hasn't talked to me since our argument - that alone hurts me. I have sent her an apology (she didn't answer the phone, but I did text back) and said I want to talk. She hasn't responded. I know she probably needs a bit of time herself to cool down from everything, but I can't help but feel awful for being that way towards her. I guess I'm reaping the consequences.I'm not sure where to go from here. The thing is, she knows that I am very hurt when she has to stand me up. She also knows that I try hard to understand her situations. But I feel like I've reached some kind of limit, and that outburst is evidence. I don't want to give her some ultimatum ("stand me up again and we're done") because I still love her and want to be with her. On the other hand, even though she doesn't intend to, this whole thing is killing me slowly from inside and I am worried I won't have enough forgiveness left when it's really needed (like now).I could really use some insight...Thanks
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): I can understand why you would be mad. Getting blown off like that last minute multiple times gets old fast.
I have noticed that alot of girls who date guys for a while start to feel comfortable and think its okay to blow them off and that the guy will get over it. After a while of dating they start to take advantage of you in a way.
Also, she probably noticed that you didn't get angry with her when she blew you off so she felt comfortable doing it. But now that you have shown how you really feel, it surprised her.
Just give her some space, and makes sure she knows your apology is genuine.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Your feelings are justified,but.
I understand how you feel , I'd feel worse than you probably, because I don't even admit the concept of " HAVING to standing someone up " or " cancelling last minute " or " hey things happen "- unless in case of earthquake, flood or alien invasion. For all the rest, if you say you'll be at point X at 5 p.m., then be at point X at 5 pm, anything else that pops up, popped up AFTER you have made an engagement and you have to respect it. So, personally, I could / would not handle a situation like yours.
But you can, and want, so I think you have to deal with the roots of the problem and not its immediate manifestations.
Maybe your gf is not a good organizer, you can talk to her and offer your help- not your control, just your support in organizing her workload, budgeting her time, not getting over committed etc. You go through with her normal schedule with her, see how much time goes for study, how much for leasure, how much for errands, and help her work out a more functional management of her time. You can offer to remind her deadlines in advance, and to HELP her practically with time consuming stuff, etc. Be light handed though, the idea is that you want to help, not to be Big Brother !
She needs to understand that flakiness is never OK for anybody , and it is still disrespectful even if she were a busy CEO or a public figure. Imagine a student.
One should never commit for more than she can maintain, and that's were you have a role too. Maybe you need to make less demands on her time, I mean, I am sure she does not see them as demands because she WANTS to meet you, but if she regularly can't make it, then she is overcommitted, something is gotta give. Respecting ONE appointment a week is better for a r/ship than making 7 appointments and keeping only 3 of them.
Or, - you can just accept that , for the time being, you have to keep things very fluid and you can't make fixed plans. Agree to live your story in a more " I'll see you when I see you " kind of way , if you both agree it will work. Always better than always ending up one frustrated ( you ) and the other feeling guilty.
Another big root of the problem, that need to be worked on, is that she cannot say "no " to her parents. Come on, she is not a kid anymore ( hopefully ) - she is an adult, and her parents have no right or business in making committments or appointments for her without first asking her, she is not 12 !. She must give respect to her parents, of course, but she must also ask for respect.
She has spoiled them this way, time to grow up and tell them, sorry but I have to fix my own priorities, I have got too many things on my plate, so I need to take charge in first person of MY social life. If the parents aren't overbearing ogres, they'll understand and come around- parents are a bit like children with that, they only get away with what you let them do :)
If she has such a big assertiveness problem and in her , I presume, mid 20s still has to live like a preeten, then she may need counseling or some sort of assertive communication training. This is very important in general, in her LIFE, not just because of your problem of conflicting schedules, so try and convince her to work on it seriously.
Said that, of course you were wrong to blow up ! yelling, verbal abuse, insults, unfounded accusations, dramatic scenes are never right, and never justified even in front of bigger provocations. If you can't manage your anger, albeit not causeless, - back to counseling for you too.
You must also realize that you have handled this in a passive aggressive way, i.e. you have let her go away with something unacceptable ( at least by your standards ) for who knows how many times , only to blow up like a volcano at the end. How's her fault if you are passive aggressive ? if you say " sure dear I understand dear don't worry dear " if inside you say instead : heck no , that does not sit well with me ?
Problems should be dealt with as they start, so you can nip them in the bud.
Now, let her cool a bit, she is legitimately upset. Apologize again, apologize abjectly, if you need to :) grovel - but once you are both calmer, sit her down and tell her clearly that you have to study together a common strategy to handle this problem , which could needlessly ruin and terminate a happy love story.
...............................
A
female
reader, avogado  +, writes (10 June 2012):
This is a tough one. I definitely understand where you're coming from. You're only human after all. I'd certainly reach a limit of irritation too.
To some extent I think you were justified in being angry and upset, however I feel that you expressed it in the wrong way.
I think you should let her know some of the things you've said here, like you don't usually lose your temper like that and that it was wrong of you - if you haven't already. If I put myself in her shoes, my greatest worry would be that it would happen again.
You could consider taking a break until things settle down and you both have more free time. See if it's easier to be alone and without her or in a relationship and without her.
Other than that, I think giving it time will be the only real answer!
...............................
A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (10 June 2012):
 A few things come to mind when I read your statement. First of all, you didn't mention exactly what you said. If you cursed at her and threatened her in any way, then NO, your argument was NOT justified, but if those things did not happen, then sure--you had every right to be upset.
I noticed that you forgot to mention is her age. I see that you are in the 26-29 bracket range, but what about her? Is she younger? Late teens, early twenties? Either way though, why does she feel the need not to speak to you in front of her parents? And...why does someone old enough to have their own opinions answer her parents at every beck and call? Something doesn't seem right. I understand that there are good girls out there, but she might be a little to much of an angel...
And, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but to me, and remember that I don't know any of you, but to me, it doesn't seem like she returns the same feelings that you show her. You say that you love her, enough to put up with all of the 'standing up' she does and the 'not speaking to you in front of the parental units', but she can't love you enough to be there for you when you need her? She doesn't love you enough to speak to you in front of her parents? She doesn't love you enough to stand up to her parents for you....all i'm trying to say is that something doesn't seem right. I was a "good girl" my entire life, went to church every Sunday and never spoke back, but when I med my now husband, I broke all the rules just to spend time with him.
Remember, this is just my opinion, but I really do not think she is at the same point of the relationship that you are at. I do wish you the best of luck though.
...............................
|
