A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm basically a "good girl"...always have been, but sometimes I wish I was a slut. I see so many of my friends randomly hook up with guys, have threesomes, have one night stands and all this other stuff and they seem like they're really living life (or, they're sex lives at least). I, on the other hand, am still waiting for love and I'm a serial monogamist. Plus, I would hate to have the bad reputation. But I sometimes, I wish I were like them. I'd love to go to a club and see a hot guy and bring him home to hook up. Or see a hot guy at the mall and go on a drive with him to a faraway forest and have him do me from behind while I'm holding on to a tree. I just have these fantasies of being and doing those things but I NEVER act on them. Is it wrong or even normal for wanting to be a slut? Am I just horny?
View related questions:
horny, one night stand, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 It looks to me that you want things you perfectly well can do while in a relationship as well. When you are in a relationship, do you just stick to the old faithful missionary position?? Why don't you bring your boyfriend out in the woods and have him bang you from behind? Or dance with him in a club and have him secretly grope you there, then run to the bathroom and have sex or something.
The only difference between your sex life and single girls' sex life is that they change their partner for each time they have sex, while you stick with the same guy. But I don't see how "one guy only" needs to mean "one position and location only". Live out your sexual fantasies WITH your boyfriend.
And it's not like you haven't been single at some point in your life, where you could go out and DO just that, take home a guy you met. No one is saying you have to have sex with him, but the thrill of getting to meet someone new.. well, you experience that as well.
If you'd love to do these things then you'd do them though. If you'd love to have one night stands then you'd do them. I think the truth is you DON'T love these things, and you DON'T have an interest in doing them. But you're having a hard time accepting this about yourself. If you loved these things then you'd do them you know... you NOT having done them can only mean one thing: you never really wanted to.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
 BTDT OP… so not worth it in the long run… and to be honest.. the fantasy is hotter than the reality..
I’ve been sexually active since I was 14. I’m 52 now.. I’ve had multiple partners I have been a swinger with one of my husbands… I am the voice of experience and reason. I’ve had sex in parks under trees etc… trust me nothing beats a warm soft bed with a loving caring partner.
Listen to what everyone else is saying… it’s not wrong to want it. It’s not wrong to have the fantasies… but be true to yourself and don’t do it…
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2012):
Just know that although its your right to do what mutually consenting adults will do, always remember that you can never "undo" something once you do it. At age 44, I have known a lot of women. Never have I ever heard one of them say later in life "I wish I lost my virginity earlier" or "I wish I slept around more." On the other hand, I have lost count on how many times Ive heard the opposite.Further, it sounds like you want to settle down and get married someday. Odds are your husband will want to know something about your sexual past. If you've been out having random sex and threesomes, you're either going to have to lie to him, and therefore base your relationship on a lie, or tell him the truth and risk losing him. Look at all of the posts here on something called "retroactive jealousy." It prevalent in more men than you would think, and if your guy has it and you've done threesomes, chances are you will not end up together. I know this from my own personal experience - I have left women because I couldnt accept their sexual pasts. Im not saying you should base all of your decisions on this, but I am saying its something you should be acutely aware of.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 Don't people seem interesting if they let themselves go and live in the moment. i.e. when people just go for it, without worrying about thinking 'don't know if I want to sleep with him or not'. They seem to live their lives without worrying about if they'll regret something afterwards.
Only do the ONS if you can see it like that at the time and don't expect any relationship to come out of it.
I think a lot of people do experiment a bit, while they're waiting for a decent relationship. The occasional ONS isn't exactly rare. But I think a threesome is. I think there's a huge difference between somebody wanting to experience a couple of ONS than somebody not capable of having a relationship.
Only bring a random guy back, if you're 100% sure. There's no point in freaking out and expecting to negotiate your way out of it. Chances are you'll be with one or two extremes of a guy: A guy who is very strong and wants it there and then. He seems experienced in knowing what he wants and how to get it. There would be no holding him back for five minutes, never mind saying 'no'. OR a guy who seems shy and scared. You're kissing with your tops off and thinking 'now what?' You get the impression he hasn't done this before. You're almost the pushy one to make it happen.
It always begs the question, to what extent should a fantasy stay in your head, and to what extent should you make it happen. I've had sex in the woods, but it wasn't with a stranger. My boyfriend seemed to spring it on me and we had to be quick before people appeared. It was funny in that respect.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): I totally want a "good girl" for a partner and I don't have promiscuous sex in my own life. But I also find NOTHING wrong with a good girl having bad-girl fantasies. In fact sometimes it turns me on. Fantasy and reality, big difference.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 June 2012):
 Having less then "good girl" fantasies is quite normal. But I will agree with both CaringGuy and Cerberus, find someone you can TRUST and do some role-playing. It can be quite fun. There is NOTHING wrong in preferring monogamy.
Taking some random "stud" home from a club is not always safe, nor the answer to your fantasy. Same with taking some random guy out in the woods.
Some fantasies are MUCH better in the head though, but I do believe that with the right partner you can have as much fun (sexually) as YOU want to have and still keep your values/morals. Doing a little role-play with a partner is not making you a slut.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 June 2012):
 It's not wrong, but as someone who was VERY close with those types of girls and joined in for everything but sex, I can tell you those hook-ups feel empty and unfulfilling in most cases. A lot of the time it's purely for the ego boost/the feeling of being wanted. I don't think many of them regret it, nor do I think they should, it's just not about the wild crazy awesome sex they probably make it out to be. Think of it like this, if the sex alone was so awesome and fun, why do they feel the need to brag about it?
Sex with strangers, to put it bluntly, usually is terrible. Often it's the guy using the girl as a masturbation sleeve. Something like only a quarter of women report having an orgasm in their last hookup (women report MUCH higher satisfaction from sex with someone who they know and trust/a partner). It's also dangerous, there's the chance for STDs to spread even if you use condoms, and there's the chance for sexual assault/rape. Especially in scenarios where you go to secluded places in the woods, yikes. Most of my friends who were sexually assaulted as teens/adults had it happen with hook-ups and parties.
Also like Cerberus said, they certainly aren't adding the times guys didn't listen, were too rough, physically restrained them in some way, performed sex acts they didn't want unexpectedly, etc... It happened multiple times to ALL my friends who did this. While in fantasy sex in the woods with a hot stranger sounds fun, the reality will not be like that.
Things like having random sex in public places is really better suited to doing with someone you trust. It can be really fun, but the most fun part imo is being able to remember that you did it together. Every time I've tried it it's been a bit awkward (in a fun way), dirty, messy, and not very physically fulfilling. The most fun part came afterwards. You can't have that kind of fun with a stranger.
I think you would be better off finding yourself a boyfriend and experimenting with him rather than engaging in these random hookups.
...............................
A
female
reader, MyDaysOnceRevolvedAroundYou +, writes (10 June 2012):
 It is not healthy to "hook-up" and would dirty your reputation to get into an unhealthy cycle like this, however if it's just fantasies why not just pretend with a boyfriend if he's comfortable with it?
Dress up, go to far away places, I'm sure most guys would love a girl who wants sex like this and lots of it.. Place it into a healthy relationship and live it out, I'm sure you'll get much more satisfaction than being used by some guy for one thing.. Have a guy you can talk to and have fun with too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): CaringGuy is right OP why not just play out these fantasies with a boyfriend? Look being the "good girl" is not a bad thing and if that's who you are then going trying their lifestyle may not suit you. Perhaps they don't feel trashy or used but something's holding you back and perhaps that's the knowledge that you need a deeper connection.
Fantasies are all well and good OP but is being taken out to the woods and boned a really good idea with a stranger? What if you change your mind when out there and have second thoughts do you really think you're in any position to negotiate?
I enact all my fantasies with my girlfriend. OP it's most likely that you're more in love with the idea of doing it than the practical aspects of it otherwise you'd just have done it.
Look fooling around and having lots of casual sex can be fun but they don't tell you about the times they wanted to stop and the guy ignored them, or the times the guy was too rough, or the fact that once a woman engages in that lifestyle and gets that reputation she's fucked and not relationship material for most guys. That lifestyle is a trap OP. Once labelled a slut rightly or wrongly then not only do most guys see you only as an easy sex but retro-jealousy may well destroy good relationships in the future when the guy realizes he can't handle your past.
OP of course they like to make it seem like it's great fun, they're hardly going to turn around and admit they'd love to be loved and have shot themselves in the foot by making them selves cock-fodder, they're hardly going to admit they can't have relationships because they don't trust men and sex is all they can give because emotionally they need to protect themselves, they're not going to admit they sleep around because they need to feel wanted and think so little of themselves they don't trust that any guy could have deep feelings for them, they're not going to admit that they value their bodies so little that any guy can have them, or that they'd love a relationship but they're addicted to getting dunk and hooking up and can't trust themselves to stop, that they're untrustworthy because when they get drunk they'll cheat etc. OP girls who sleep around are exceptionally good liars, they've had to be to avoid the slut label in the past and now that it's not so bad they lie about the reasons and they lie about it being fun. Of course the above cannot be said for all women but the vast majority of girls I know/knew that did all had one of those reasons when you get deep down into why. But they all made it seems like they were having a great time when in fact most of them were doing so for negative reasons.
Why not start dating a guy and do all these things with him early on after you've gotten to know him a bit and built a bit of trust with him?
OP sexual fantasies in my opinion are best used as a way of strengthening a relationship and having fun. You can do the stranger fantasy with a guy you're dating, you can do the pick up and throwaway fantasy, you can do anything.
Just remember when they brag about their lifestyle take it with a pinch of salt, more than likely it's not as great and fulfilling as they are making out. The grass isn't always greener.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 June 2012):
Of course it's not wrong. And don't think it's 'slutty' either. It's not. It's perfectly normal. Everyone in the world has fantasies. Some people act out on them, and often find themselves regretting it later in life (threesomes often come back to haunt, for example). Others don't act on them at all and sometimes regret not doing that.
I think the best place to be is acting fantasies with a partner. Not necessarily all of them, but certainly most.
So perhaps you should maybe try to find a boyfriend, and then when you're committed act out the fantasies then. It works for me and my girlfriend. And it probably works out for just about everyone else too.
The important thing is that you do what you're happy with, with someone you're happy with. So maybe you need to go find that someone, and then tell him those fantasies of yours (which I can assure you will light up his life!), and have fun.
And don't worry about those people having one night stands and threesomes and all that. Just because they're doing it doesn't mean at some point they won't look back and regret it, and it doesn't mean they're happy either.
Go find that special guy.
...............................
|
