A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating about 8 months and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. When we met we both had good jobs, he still has one but I'm a contractor and so once my last contract ended about 4 months ago I have been unemployed. Money is becoming an issue, moreso for me, and despite my best efforts to be a 21st century woman resentment is building. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to take me to 5 star hotels or buy me designer clothes. I would just like him to say 'I'll get this' once in a while, as I would do if the roles were reversed and he wasn't working. Except he doesn't do this, ever, and we now split everything 50/50 down to the cent. When we were both working we'd take turns paying for meals out etc. and it wasn't a big deal. We both appeared generous (maybe I was wrong!) because there was no dividing who ate what or who had the beer versus the tap water. Now that I have virtually no income I find myself quietly seething when he says I owe him 5 bucks for the popcorn and drink he got at the movie or whatever. I try to stay home more (he lives with his mom so we rarely stay there) and when he comes over I cook him meals or the cookies he goes crazy for, without asking for half the cost of the ingredients. Yet the second we leave the house it's out with his virtual calculator!Call me old-fashioned or a money grabber if you want, but sometimes it would be really nice for him to just say he'll buy dinner or a movie ticket for me. Nothing flashy but just the gesture when he knows I'm broke would mean so much. But am I asking too much?Usually I'm an advocate of the splitting it out route, either taking turns or 50/50, but if he wasn't able to find work I'd spot him dinner or a movie there or there, and I can't help feeling resentful that he doesn't do the same for me.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): The tone has already been set for him not courting you and if he wants to take you out on a date, he pays for it.
You are in a financial situation right now, so extra spending should, and is out of the question right now.
If he wants to go out with you, then you need to be upfront, clear, and tell him, that you cannot afford any extra expenses right now. It's that simple. If he does not step up and offer on his own to pay the bill, or goes as far as starting a "bar tab" for your dates, you might want to rethink this relationship. Don't hint around and expect him to pick up on what you are looking for him to do, because it's not going to happen. Don't suck it up and go anyway just because you want to spend time with him because you will get even deeper into a financial hole.
These are real relationship situations and either he's in or he's out.
I'm all for equality and all that jazz, but this is a bit extreme and if this guy is a real man, and has any class how to treat a women, he will step up and take you out, pay for the evening, without expecting anything in return.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 Simple solution : speak up. No hinting or casually mentioning, spell it out for hin. It's uncanny how often some things that are evident and self explanatory for us, need instead a detailed explanation in other people's eyes.
Personally I can't stand tightwads, and, being an old school lady, I don't see anything wrong in being treated by a man, - not always, Ok, but at least every now and then,- so your bf would not be my ideal man. But before assuming that he is cheap or mean, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, often people are distracted, self absorbed, preoocupied- they see things going on, but they not really stop and think of the implications, until these don't punch them directly in their face.
Tell him : " Sorry, but, as you know , currently I am jobless and incomeless, no way I can afford going out and paying my share- in fact, to be precise, I can 't even comfortably afford to share my groceries with you ".
He'll either step up to the plate and treat you- or give up going out and keep you company at home AFTER meals ( but in this case, though, I'd start being worried about his attitude toward money...)
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 November 2012):
In these circumstances old habits tend to die hard. His habit of indicating your loans from my point of view could be a way of teasing you or he could be serious I am unsure. But these problems are usually best resolved by quickly bringing up the issues and saying what exactly needs to be changed.
At the moment while you watch his usual habits, you will become angrier and the reality of your helplessness of unemployment will depress you more. You should directly in plain words, explain to him that the nagging about loans and what not depresses you and brings you down. It is a mutual relationship where you would think you deserve the same treatment you give him, in the sense that you do not look at the things you cook for him. It is not something you use to bring down his spirits and he should not do that to you as well. Sounds simple? Well sometimes it is the expectation that "this situation is so simple" you'd expect your partner to just "know". But sometimes this isn't the case so it is good to bring up these issues and solve them with real solutions.
You said he buys you beer but it just seems like he does not know exactly what you want nor have you said specifically what is upsetting you. Try to discuss these things and let us know what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2012):
 I don't think you are a "gold-digger" or "money-grabber" - I think your BF is EXTREMELY penny pinching.
He lives with his mom, so does he pay rent and other expenses at "home"? If he is in his 30's and still living at home that would kinda give me a "WTF" moment. Specially if he is making decent money and there is nothing wrong with his mom.
I have never dated a "cheap" guy like that. Not that I have super high expectations as to whom should pay, I have always offered to pay my share, but honestly I can't remember ever hearing a : "sure, you share is so much".
I would simply tell him next time he wants to go out to eat or the cinema or anything that you feel like you can no afford - Sorry, honey I can't afford going out to eat it's expensive enough to keep the fridge stocked.
Now if he has ANY kind of decency he will say well this one is on me - but honestly, I doubt he will. The fact that he tell you that YOU owe him $5 for popcorn and a drink at the movies makes me think that he believes you should pay EVERYTHING yourself. Personally I can do without the overpriced soda and popcorn at the movies - but I would not be happy with my BF if HE invited me and then got all cheap like that.
And I would stop baking him goodies. Normally I'm not a tit for tat kind of person but people like your BF irk me. I can see if the two of you were friends... but not when you are gf/bf - even then I have NEVER had a cheap friend either, nor have I been cheep towards them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Hi it's the OP here again - sorry I am new to this forum and unsure how to reply to the questions directly.
My bf lives with his mom because his dad died just as his sisters moved out and he promised his dad he would take care of his mom. Money is tight for her as a widow and he pays a lot of the bills in the house, but does still have quite a bit of disposable income (before anyone thinks I expect his mom to go without heat so I can have dinner and a movie!).
I feel like maybe I've done something to make him how he is somehow. When we first started dating he'd always offer to pay for stuff (and it ended that we took turns paying on dates etc.) but now he never even offers. Maybe it's the fact that the relationship isn't new anymore and he feels he doesn't need to ever offer to buy my movie ticket, I don't know. One of the things I loved about him when we met was that he didn't care about money - he had it and he spent it. Now he's done a complete 180 in terms of generosity and weirdly it's something I feel I can't really talk to him about.
I've raised the fact that money's tight before and that I can't have the social life with him that I used to because I can't afford it. He'll respond by buying me a beer that night or somesuch, but then it's back to where we were.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have set the tone for this situation when you agreed to pay 50/50. I don't agree with some of the previous posters that you should play games with him to get some sort of revenge. Don't tell him to pay for the ingredients that you purchased to make him dinner, that's just silly. Next time he invites you out, simply say in a nice tone of voice, "Honey, I would love to, but unfortunately I cannot afford that at the moment". Simple as that. I am sure, positive actually, that he will step up and offer to treat you. If he says, "Ok, we'll do that some other time", then you've got a problem, and you really have to rethink whether this man is right for you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being old fashioned. We want to feel like women, and I think the most feminine we feel is when we are taken care of our men.
Unless you are have expectations that are a little over the top (demanding presents, purses, gifts, dinners, ballets, theatres) there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your partner to take care of you and pay for you.
Have high expectations!
Ps: and why the heck is he still living with his mom? Does this not ring warning bells for you? It would for me. Just sayin'.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I don't see anything wrong even if you both worked for a man to treat his woman once in awhile. I m not saying he needs to pay ALL THE TIME, but sometimes like couple times a month. But NEVER?!!!You cook for him, doesn't it count for something, for that only he should treat you. You are not old-fashioned at all, if you were he would pay for EVERYTHING. 40 years ago it was unheard of if a woman paid anything at all, when she went on a date.I married my husband 28 years ago. He didn't make much money at the time, but never let me pay for our outings. I lived with my mom at the time, and he would have dinners at our house 2-3 times a week, that my mom cooked, and always brought something like a cake or wine, and always was very grateful for it.I think that's why I married the guy:) This is how I look at it: women give birth and stay home with kids. During this period of time they don't work, so they don't have an income. This is when husband puts more effort in supporting family as he is the only one that can work.may be it's just a couple of months, may be it's for couple of years, depends on mother's priorities. Mine was to bring up my kids myself. I stayed home for 9 years, until the youngest went full time to school. And then I went back to work but only part time as raising 3 children was a triple shift for me.My husband covered my back and still does for all these years. For example you get married with your boyfriend who wants to split everything to a penny, and then you have children, how can you count on someone like that to be a support for you and your kids, if he can't even treat you to popcorn. He lives with his mom, why? A man in his 30s in US still lives with his mom, that's unusual . May be he is just cheap? May be he is one of those who is a penny pincher? I m pretty sure that's the case, and you can't change someone like that, never.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): You're not asking too much at all. OP splitting the cost is a given but being treated is also a given.
When one partner is broke you do what you can to cover the costs of fun, it's worth it just to keep having that fun.
What I'd do is simple. No more cooking meals for you both, no more cookies, no more meals out, cinema anything like that. Any time he asks tell him you can't afford it, it's that simple. He will step up and offer to pay OP, I'm sure of it. If he doesn't then you'll have to ask him to treat you as life gets very boring when you don't do anything.
If he's being a stick in the mud OP and is insistent that this has to be 50/50 always or else, then he's selfish. You've proven in all these months that you're not a dainty little princess who needs to be wined and dined, you've shown you're not a user so he has no excuse as to why he won't cover the costs until your situation improves. If that is the case OP then money is too important to him and you'd want to hope you always have a good job or you're going to go without any kind of luxuries or fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I think from now on if you have him to the house, you need to say "the prep for this meal cost $xx.xx you owe me half of that. IF he does not pay it, the next time you go out you say "sorry you still owe me from the last meal I cooked"
I get your feelings too. I'm old fashioned and when my now husband and I were dating, even though I made more than him, I expected him to "treat" me to dinner and movie... I paid now and then... and paid my travel expenses to get to him...
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Hi, I love being spoilt by my man so I can identify with you. However I think you set the tone upfront when u chose to split the bills and he is just very comfortable with the arrangement. Like I said I am a 21 centuary woman but there are some things that dont change, woman like to be pampered and spoilt even if its a simple diner or movie. So maybe you should have a discussion and tell him ow you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Hi
This is getting more common every week, one person unemployed,sign of the times.
I would sit him down next time he is at yours and explain that you need to pull your belt in till your earning again.He should realise your going to be struggling, maybe he assumes you have a pot of savings,but you need to be open.Tell him how it really is. If he still gets his calculator out, isnt into bringing food to yours to cook together etc,then you know where you stand.
...............................
|
