A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I met someone on NYEs and we hit it off really well. He is a close friend of my roommate. They have a huge circle of friends from college and have a lot of history together. These group of friends often have parties together and I have been to a few of them.The thing is, the guy (R) has a list of girls he's slept with that are part of this group. He has never dated any of them (all drunk hookups) and has remained very good friends with them. Most of the girls he's slept with have developed feelings afterwards for him which he did not reciprocate. He told them he wasn't ready for a relationship and he had some things he wanted to deal with before he dated anyone seriously again. Then he met me. We hit it off extremely well and have been going on dates pretty often. We have talked about a relationship (I have some baggage, as does he) so we're taking things slow and going at our own pace, but we are serious about each other. The thing is, about 1 month into dating, I had huge issues with his group of friends. The last girl he slept with from this group (B) fell for him hard and found out he was seeing me. I met B at a small gathering and gave her advice on R (without knowing it was R she was talking about) and wished her luck on her situation of trying to date him. I found out later who it was that she was talking about and felt awful. Two friends from this group told me that I needed to speak to her to clear things up and I wasn't sure if I really had to, since I had only met her once and for such a short time.But this really stressed me out because these two friends would bring it up quite a bit. I vented to R's friend's gf (H) about it and these two friends, and the situation exploded. Suddenly rumors were flying around that I was telling people she was slut-shaming me and calling me names and it got back to R and her. I found out from H that people were gossiping and it couldn't be helped on my end, but some words I had said were definitely misconstrued and I had texts to prove it.This happened so quickly and I am not really part of the friend group, so I had no way to do damage control. R and I had to talk about it, where he told me his friends were telling him I was a huge red flag/he needed to break things off with me etc. I showed him texts on my end and we got through it and continued to see each other. I reached out to B to apologize - saying that I was sorry she was hurt by all the gossip and things were definitely taken out of context and I never said she did that or this. My apology was not accepted and I am pretty sure she despises me.So, with that note, R and B are still friends. B is very much part of the friend group and will very much be present in future parties they are holding.The thing is, things are getting serious with R. I will be meeting his family once its safe. I have hung out with him and his friends here and there (playing video games together online because of this lockdown, etc) but I have a sinking feeling that no one really likes me because of this drama that happened early on in our relationship, since they told him to break up with me.It is not a great feeling to have and I am not sure if I am comfortable going to these events where I know B will be there. Even though his friends are friendly towards me when we play games together, I am uncomfortable with hanging out with them too.I know they were just looking out for him and I have no idea who gossiped or who said what, but it's not a good feeling to have and I am not sure what to do with it. I have mentioned it here and there but he told me not to worry about it, but it's not something I can really just ignore. He told me there was only 1 friend with strong opinions and that would be B. Everyone else is fine with me.Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): I want you to reread your own post back to yourself. You have to, in order to pickup a few warning signs and red-flags that are indicators that this romantic-connection you're attempting with this guy is DOA...dead on arrival!
I want you to read your post to yourself; because there are so many ticking time-bombs and booby-traps; it's like walking through a mind-field blind-folded!!!
In the first paragraph alone there are trouble-indicators that would have sent most women running for the hills, hysterical, screaming...waving their arms over their heads! Like they just saw the boogeyman!
"The thing is, the guy (R) has a list of girls he's slept with that are part of this group. He has never dated any of them (all drunk hookups) and has remained very good friends with them. Most of the girls he's slept with have developed feelings afterwards for him which he did not reciprocate."
Never date men who make friends with women he has slept with. Especially, those that have feelings for him. They are being kept as part of his harem for booty-calls. They don't give-up and move-on; instead, they become "friends."
You know who they are, and you know their entire history.
Seriously?!!
What do you think? You're going to sweep him off his feet, and make him give them up for you? You're fresh meat. That's mainly what you've got going for you, girlfriend! You think you can wedge your way between him and his harem?Not on your life, kiddo!
They'd circle the wagons and catapult your sweet little patootie out of there so fast, it would make your head swim! They're already running you through the rumor-mill and grinding you into little pieces. They will feed you like tender-vittles to their cats! They will poison his mind, and when they're done; he will see you as the one causing dissension in the harem. He'll have none of that! BTW! He has no intention of having a relationship with you anyway.
"He told them he wasn't ready for a relationship and he had some things he wanted to deal with before he dated anyone seriously again."
This is how a player and a scoundrel plays head-games. He keeps these women competing with each other; while they all pretend to be friends. They all put on the facade that they like each other; while hoping he'll pick a favorite. He has them brainwashed, and he makes them think he's been hurt and damaged; and the only thing keeping him from committing is a broken-heart that never healed. They're his little support-group helping him to mend his heart.
That is the biggest steaming-pile of bull manure I've ever seen!!! He taps it, and then adds her to his doll collection. They don't mind waiting, or being used; they like his style, and the drama. He thinks he's a stud.
"The last girl he slept with from this group (B) fell for him hard and found out he was seeing me."
Gee, what are the odds of that happening!
Get in-line girlfriend! It seems the studly Mr. R's fan-club is growing. Now he has added you to his team of cheerleaders. He better be one outstanding hunk of a guy, to have so many females flocking to be his "friends." Sticking around even after they knew they're just hit-and-run victims! He gets each one of you alone, and makes you feel "special" to him.
"I met B at a small gathering and gave her advice on R (without knowing it was R she was talking about) and wished her luck on her situation of trying to date him."
Girlfriend, how could you not know he was the very guy she was talking about?
You know they've all slept with him! In fact, and all the women you've met thus far, who know him, have slept with him! I would have put two and two together! Most women describe their love-interests to a tee; and I am certain things came-up in conversation that had to ring a bell. "He sounds just like someone I know!" How it flew over your head, and you didn't have a clue astounds me!
"But this really stressed me out because these two friends would bring it up quite a bit. I vented to R's friend's gf (H) about it and these two friends, and the situation exploded. Suddenly rumors were flying around that I was telling people she was slut-shaming me and calling me names and it got back to R and her."
Well, you didn't like his little collection of lady-friends. What usually happens when you put a bunch of women together who don't trust or like each other?
DRAMA!!!
Rumors fly, they form gossip-chains, everyone starts marking their territory; and it all culminates in sporadic cat-fights. Meanwhile, he's pretending to be totally oblivious to all this. He's not! Well, the rooster usually runs the hen house; and all he has to do is show his total fury and disdain. Everyone falls in-line, and the normal pecking-order becomes realigned. The harem better correct itself; or he will suddenly disappear, go missing, and nobody will hear from him! He will show his manly-power; and he'll remind the flock who's in-charge, and why he won't commit to anybody.
This mess will never get-off the ground. He'll sleep with you, and then he will remind you of the drama you've caused; and that will be his excuse for why things will go no further than the bedroom. He will rush to their beck and call. He will remind you they were there first. They will pluck your hair out, one strand at a time; and they will peck at your little love-connection and keep it raggedy and full of holes!
You're uncomfortable about his friend(s) he slept with? Girlfriend, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Just when you thought this drama couldn't get any worse!
I can't wish you good luck. I know the ending.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 May 2020):
 I think you are ignoring the biggest issue here.
The FACT that he has slept with not one, but SEVERAL of the females in the friends-group, but not "deemed" them good enough to date, should ring a bit of an alarm-bell, huge red flag. While he might have said he wasn't in a good place to date (which he didn't bring up until AFTER he slept with them, by the by) HE is still dating you... so obviously he can date..... you, as his "issues" aren't magically sorted out.
That isn't a good quality in a BF. To be frank.
As for B, it makes no sense for her to come to YOU for advice. I think SHE wanted to start drama and maybe suss you out. And you jumped in with both feet. I mean would YOU have asked someone you only met once for advice like that? Especially about a guy you had slept with who was now dating this person? Be vary of B. She was also trying to get the others in the friends group to back her up and "defend" her to R. You actually had to show "receipts" to back up what really went down. R took HER words over yours at first. So she tried to SABOTAGE your relationship before it even really took off.
And let's not forget, HE is still friends with her. (not that I'm saying he should dump her as a friend. He might have believed you when you showed him proof, he still likes the idea of girls fighting over him and having ALL these girls "pining" away for him. Case in point? B and the other girls he slept with.
What I AM saying is, a guy who sleeps with "friends" and then keeps them around afterwards is lacking in standards and quality IMHO. Maybe also somewhat in maturity and integrity.
You made a blunder giving advice to a person whom you didn't really know, and who's intentions you have no idea about. She might have seemed nice and friendly... but BEWARE. Your "blunder" was made from good intentions. And look where that ended up? Not THAT you created all this drama ( you didn't) B did and to an extend... so did R. And THAT is part of these girls behaviors. You won't really be able to trust them. Doesn't mean you can't be friendly back.
Once this lock-down is over. See where things go. TAKE it slow. And don't IGNORE red flags. Don't SHARE personal information with these people. Not any time soon.
And DO take some time to consider IF you really want to date a guy with such a effed up view of female friends and how casually he takes sex and friendships. If you really want to date a guy who SLEPT with females knowing full well he didn't want more with any of them. And I'm guessing the ones that slept with him, THOUGHT it would lead to more.
And DO take the time to consider, If you keep dating these people will continue to be around in his life, he isn't going to "dump" them as friends. Nor should he, really. He shouldn't have SLEPT with them in the first place.
I think the majority of the friend-group will forget the drama. B or someone else will create other shenanigans to gossip about. Just be mindful that THESE are HIS friends. They owe you no loyalty.
It might BE awkward the first couple of times you spend with them, nothing you can do to avoid that. I would just NOT bring up the past drama (unless they do). And if they do don't get into anything deep or feel like you HAVE to show them "receipts" too. Just give a non-committal answer such as, "It sucks that it turned into drama". Nothing more.
You got some thinking to do, OP
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