A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First:I started dating my now fiancé in 2011, I cheated first two weeks of our relationship, which I am not proud of, we have gotten through all this though, got engaged in 2012.I haven't cheated since 2011.I love him, he loves me (almost 2 years) but: He's met my best friend, finds her nice but I can't go clubbing for her birthday, without him being there (He won’t go because he doesn't like clubbing) (says I can go but if I do, I have to pack my bags and lose him)He let me go clubbing once for another friend's hen's night but was texting me the whole entire time I was out. What do I do? Yes, I know he is still hurt and I shouldn't go, but it's my friend’s birthday!!!! My fiancé is a good man to me, takes good care of me)andSecond:My ex of 5 months (started 2010, Ended later in 2010) left me for his ex, who he's now married to.Yet messages me every couple of months to see how I am. He calls me, makes me feel great just like I used to, but just plays love games with me....Why is he doing this when he is married to the girl he left me for?
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best friend, clubbing, engaged, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 OP you ARE STUPID when you pick up your ex's calls and texts YOU are NEVER EVER going to have trust if you can't behave in a manner that causes trust.
Being friendly with an ex when you've got a history of cheating is a death Knell to the relationship.
Decide which man is more important and let the other one go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Sorry that should be "why he stays with a woman he *doesn't trust."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): "I am just stupid in picking up or responding to my ex....cause I feel bad if I don't respond to people when they either call or message me, regardless of who it is."
So basically you can't say no to guys and you wonder why your fiancé still doesn't feel he can trust you?
Sorry OP but you can't handle unwanted make attention in a way that's respectful to your relationship so how do you expect your fiancé to be able to trust that you can fend guys off in a night club?
The only thing I wonder about all this is why he stays with a woman he can't trust. I wouldn't feel right about being as possessive as he is OP, it's as much of a mental prison for him as it is a physical one for you.
It sounds to me like you're just not the type of woman who can settle for one man. You don't want to lose the ex's affection so you won't get rid of him, you like the way he makes you feel good more than being a trustworthy partner to your fiancé.
You really need to ask yourself if he is enough for you because it looks to me like he's not, otherwise saying no to other guys would be the easiest thing in the world. Your relationship sounds horrible, I don't know how either of you think marriage is going to be a good idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Why are you allowing your "love game player" ex to communicate with you and why are you allowing yourself to fall for his sweet nothings when he's already married and you're engaged?
Honestly, you need to cut off the ex from your life first and foremost, for GOOD!! Your communication with him won't help your boyfriends insecurities or do you any favours. Next, you need to sit down with your fiance and discuss his trust issues for you, of course if he forgave you for cheating he should try to start trusting you again, not restricting you from having a social life and making your life a housebound misery... but you need to talk about this. This relationship won't work if you ignore the main issue here and just expect him to be happy for you to do things that will make him feel uncomfortable.
That's a long term solution, as for what to do regarding this immediate issue, well all I can say is It depends how long you have in advance of the party to talk with your fiance to try and reassure him that you will not do anything stupid. If men approach you in the club/clubs, always remember you're engaged and you're ONLY out for your friends party, NOTHING else! Make sure they're fully aware and clear on that. Keep your phone on vibrate and somewhere you will feel it if he tries to call or text you, and allow him to make regular contact with you while you're out, there's no harm in it. If he gives you the benefit of the doubt, you should at least not mind him calling every so often throughout the night if it reassures him you're only enjoying the party with your friends, and not up to no good.
If you can't reassure him and get him to give you the benefit of the doubt, then I guess its up to you to decide which is more important - you're engagement to a man you love, or your best friends birthday party.
Regards and good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 March 2013):
two totally different issues here.
easy one first:
the ex... block him.. why do you even have his number in your phone any more? he's an ex and you have a partner.
NO contact with the ex solves that problem.
Why HE does it does not matter.. what matters rather is WHY do you let him do it and WHY does it make you feel GREAT?
Does your fiance know about your ex contacting you and making you feel great?
As for your fiance LETTING you go and do things... NO... if you want to go out and be with the girls and have a girls night.. he can't stop you... but you have to choose.
I would NEVER choose to skip a girls night out or weekend away if my man said I had to choose.... I might skip it, once in a while if he ASKED me not to go and gave me a good reason... but to TELL ME I CAN'T GO and if I do he's gone... I'd help him back.. NO ONE OWNS YOU...
he rightfully does not trust you (he never will I know because I've been on his end of being cheated and YOU NEVER TRUST the cheater again"
so now you have to decide what to do.
stay with a man who will never trust you and will always try to control you or let him leave... because I would go out and say "I'm going, you don't trust me and I accept that because of my past behavior I have lost you"
then if you live in his home... pack and go. if you share together... well then he's the one that has to go...
but the truth is that he will never trust you...and if you cave in to his controlling behavior you will never be able to come and go without his consent and permission. Is that how you want to live?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy partner knows what my ex has been doing, I tell him about this.
I am just stupid in picking up or responding to my ex....cause I feel bad if I don't respond to people when they either call or message me, regardless of who it is.
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