A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help me ! My husband is having an affair. We have been together for 32 years. We have had a very good marraige until the last 12 months when we drifted apart. I left him and he felt that i would not come back so he says that he carried on with the other women because of his fear of being on his own. Because he is with the other woman i wont come back. He says that he wants to be with me but cant see the next step. I want us to try again but wont do so because of her being around, so we go round in circles arguing. We both cant seem to get on with our lives and are still intouch with each other all the time.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again, just to ask for advice again please. He has now told the other woman that he has finished the relationship but they still have to have dealings with one another because of work. We went to marraige guidance on Saturday for our appointment we had been before but she said that she could not counsell us unless he had finished the relationship with her. Having done that now we had our fisr appointment to see if we have a future together because if we can that is what we both want. We agree on all issues regarding building trust etc again. We are talking about moving back in together when his lease is up on his flat at the end of march. I know that it is only a few days and we have been doing alot of stuff together like going to the gym,drink,movies,meal and a family meal with the kids but he does seem distant and cool with me ie not much touchy feely stuff and no sex yet ! He is away on business quite a bit over the next couple of weeks. We dont argue about anything, i dont know if he is cool with me because i guess he is getting emotional stuff off her. He says he is waiting for the turburlance to hit and is worried that it will all kick off again, which it has in the past, but the reason it did in the past was because he hadnt finished it with her. I know that in the movies you see couples running into each others arms and having wild passionate sex and living happily ever after and i know that it wouldnt be like that but i am not sure how it should be. Any ideas please, thanks
A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted  +, writes (20 February 2007):
 Its not easy to hear, but the time has come, he belongs in your past. I am sorry to hear you having such trouble but this sort of thing happens all the time and to any one. If it helps you feel better there are more and more people seeing the benifit in a monogomous relationship, including the ones who used to cheat. This one however needs a reality check and you could use a partner who actualy likes women, and will respect you. 32 years is a long time I wonder if this is his first afair, because if he is willing to cheat he would have been tempted and he has already lied to you about the afair and is now stalling with poor excuses to keep it going and try to get you back. You CAN live without him and his games. You just need to know that, in the end he may come around, but that is up to you. Do you want to wait around for him to grow up and apreciate you while you watch him go from woman to woman afair to afair? right now it sounds like his afair is on the rocks (I know you broke up, but seens as hes cheating and kept that relationship I would call it an afair for its duration as to not fool myself) but he is trying to keep you close but only luke warm...aparently his other woman doesnt enjoy sharing eather. You are a smart and capable woman, I know you can do better. good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (20 February 2007):
 your husband seem very confused he wants u back but cant let her go, very disrespectful i know, is this the man you want to be with? i think the counsiling for both of you individually and also the marriage one will do you both good as the other aunt suggested. he has been cheating yet he is try to make you feel guilty for his infidelity. this man is not worth crying over if he is not willing to accept responsibility for his actions you are better off without him because he is the one cheating not you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry but i didnt make it clear that i left him because i found out that he was having the affair
...............................
A
female
reader, Psyche +, writes (19 February 2007):
I think you should opt for couples and individual counseling. It sounds like you both have some issues to work out - as well as issues as a couple (likely started by personal issues.) Ask him to see a counselor with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I had asked him 2 months b4 i left if he wanted to us to split up or 4 him to take 12 months out. I asked if he was having an affair all of which he said no to, while he was. When i left i came to see him 1 week later and he denied it again and again he denied it for 3 months even though he knew i was getting his phone bills. I always maintained that if he was honest then we could talk. I left because i was in so much pain. He says he doesnt know what the next step is. He says that he knows that he wants to be with me just doesnt know how to get there. We are going to marraige guidance for the second appointment tomoz. I dont seem to be able to get past the point that he is still with her, although he only sees her once or twice a week and they have no intention of living together and he says that she is not the reason why we are not together and he does not see himself with her long term. She was also married. I have tried to push him away also told him and meant it only want for us to be happy in life and if he can be with her i would understand but would not want contact with him because it would hurt me too much. He says that b4 the affair he felt that i didnt want him and he felt neglected. I felt that he didnt want me also.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (19 February 2007):
i honestly think your husband is not ready to work on this marriage, i dont know why you left Without discussing this first and put on some ground rules, because he thought you were gone for good, maybe if there was a clear conditions on your seperation maybe instead of keeping his relationship with the other woman he would have tried to find a way to keep the marriage together. improve your communication channel and stop fighting as this will not get you anywhere at the end of the day. you do have choices in all this, if he wants this to work then he has to respect you enough to leave her. and dont wait for his approval if he is not leaving her well you know what to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): Agreeing with the other poster, YOU were the one who left HIM. He had every right to see other women as you were seperated and if he has a fear of being alone, it was probably instinctive of him to find someone else to be around. If you'd like to get back with him, you need to accept his fear and agree to work things out with him. Calmly inform him that if the other woman is still there, then there's obviously no chance. You could try to work things out with him in seperation even if he is with the other woman and after you've worked things out (or if) then you can agree to be together again and hopefully he would be rid of the other woman. And if you truly resent the idea of discussing ANYTHING with the other woman explain to him that if you still mean so much to him that he should be willing to let go of the other woman so he can work things out with you.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 You say you left him. If you left him, is that really cheating on his part? It sounds like your plan backfired a little. I don't know what the problems were in your marriage but I do know that you left. Did you workon the issues?
...............................
|
