A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is long and I apologize. But I put myself into this ordeal and I want to know how to get out.I met this great woman when we were 16. We dated the summer after sophomore year (10th grade) but I regret to say that I blew her off most of the summer. When she told me she'd met someone else and was breaking up with me, I ended up hating myself for it. However, I left her alone for the better part of the next two years so she could be happy.The last semester of senior year (12th grade), we had a class together and she was absolutely miserable and came to school frequently with red, puffy eyes and lots of makeup. I regret not intervening back then but decided to stay out of it because admittedly, I was a coward and I didn't want her boyfriend of nearly two years to kick my ass.They finally broke up a year after we graduated and she immediately started dating another guy (who she had been very good friends with for most of high school). Three years later, she and I reconnected but this time, she was happier than I'd ever seen her. Turns out, the guy she was practically best friends with for nearly a decade was the perfect guy for her.But this is where my dilemma arises. I don't mean to brag but I make a pretty penny doing what I do for a living (I work with computers). This woman and her boyfriend got engaged nine months ago. They were thinking about eloping because they just didn't have the funds, and neither did their parents, for the wedding they were looking for.So I talked to them about what I was thinking of doing: handing them the $10,000 I was saving to get myself a house as a wedding gift in apology for the way I'd been treating her the last seven years. She is a great woman and her fiance is very lucky to have her and she deserves the best.They vehemently refused the first 10 times I offered the money because, I quote them, "It's far too much. You want a house. We just couldn't do that to you."Six months ago, I stopped by her fiance's work with $7,000 in cash. I explained why I was so insistent on this and told him that if he doesn't take the $10,000 to at least take the $7,000 so his fiancee (my friend) could go crazy with her DIYing. I remember the look he gave me, too, when he counted the crisp dollar bills. We had a brief moment where I thought we were going to hug it out like men, but we managed to restrain ourselves...But now it's six months later and their wedding is in a month. They've kept me updated on how they've used the money and thus far, they've managed to plan and pay for 95% of it with only half the money I gave them; I guess all they have left is gifts for the wedding party. I quote her fiance, "She's good at finding a bargain." They've told me that the money they don't use, they'll give back to me. I'm still wondering if I should let them do that.But I'm starting to realize just how much I miss her. I can't believe I was such an idiot back then and now she's about to promise her life to a man who is, admittedly, very cool. I know that because she's happy where she is in life and that I should leave it all alone and move on, but for some reason, I just can't. I feel like I've made a huge mistake. I feel like I love her, and that is not what a wedding guest who gave them $7,000 to pay for the damn wedding feels like!What the hell should I do?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I feel bad for you OP, it must be terrible to be in your situation but you brought it upon yourself...in many different ways. You let her go many times when you shouldn't have and to make up for it you tried to give them cash...when you shouldn't have. Never involve money in friendships because you will always regret it. It wasn't your responsibility to have offered them the money in the first place because that's not your problem if they cant afford their dream wedding. You sound like a really good guy but you should know where to draw the line. In fact, that's when you should have written to Dear Cupid, asking if its a good idea to offer $10000 for a friend's wedding and we would have tried to talk you out of it!
Anyway, there's nothing you can do now because the wedding is a month away and she is going to start her life with a nice person and she's happy about it. If you love her then you should be happy for her. I know, easier said than done, right? But its a lesson learnt the hard way. And even if you try to do the worst possible thing and tell her how you feel, she'll see you as the jerk who was planning to "buy" her love all along. Your kind gesture of offering the $7000 will fade into oblivion, they'll somehow feel obligated to give you all your money back because they cant possibly take money from a guy who's in love with the bride(!!), they'll be back to where they started from and you will have ruined the last 6 months of planning and everything.
Sorry OP, its way too complicated now, you have just brought this upon yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 August 2013):
 There shouldn't be any strings attached if THIS is a GIFT. YOU aren't doing it because you are being nice, but because you HOPE she will realize that you are a nice guy WITH money and then dump her fiance.
Let he go, go find someone who WANT to love you back.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Serving some one makes us love them , because love is not a feeling it is a verb and doing it gives us feelings...
Remember that one day when you are married and have "fallen out of love"
But when I was a newly wed alk thoughts about of mexes flew right out of my mind- there's one other thing that can make you love some- one more than antthing else- marrying them.
I'm sorry mate- the bond between husband and wife is so strong even divorce can't quite erradicate it.
My advice is this: hurt. The only way out of this pain is thrpugh...
Unrequited love stings, but let it be a lesson in terms of how you love in future....
And drop the guilt. 16 year old boys have done far worse than ognore girls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 August 2013):
 Well.... you certainly qualify as a "damn fool".... one who is poorer by (insert amount, here)..... BUT....
Nobody can deny that your heart was in the right place... a mis-placed place, to be sure...... SOOOoooooo, forget this incident.... get on with your life.... and let's (all of us) hope that your old flame and her new hubby make a great life together....
One thing to hold out for:..... maybe she'll let you be the "Godfather" to her kids.... and will pay for their college educations!!!!
Meanwhile.... how are YOU doin'???? Are you gettin' a little? Got a hottie/sweetie who'd "taking care" of you????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2013):
 did you think/hope that giving them the money would make her stop the engagement and wedding?
there is nothing you should do.
you needed to NOT FORCE the money on them like they did.
you can love her all you want but SHE DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY about you so there is NOTHING you can do. you must walk away...
if you want to go to the wedding if you are invited then go... but if you think it will hurt you too much then decline...be busy.. a work thing that can't be missed or something... do not lay a guilt trip on her with your truth.
You have brought this on yourself with your trying to buy her...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): Quit lending money with strings attached. Next time you love somebody let them know it while the opportunity is still within your grasp
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 You should love her unconditionally and let her go. She'll never forget your kindness and generosity. She is happy. If you try to mess things up now, you'll make her sad and confused again. Is that what you want? Let her go with love. If you do this, karma will be kind to you and reward you with ten times as much love, maybe not from her, but from someone else.
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