A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I left my wife just over six months ago. Not for another woman, I still live alone, but we had been arguing for years and years about everything under the sun, and in the end I just got tired of it. I deliberately chose a flat not far from our family home, on the same street in fact, so that I wouldn't lose touch with my children (daughter 13, son 17). But they still refuse to talk to me or even acknowledge my existence when I see them. Any ideas about how to reconnect with them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): I'm very sorry to hear this is happening. Teenagers are normally angry at the world and their parents anyway, and they are still too immature to think about your side of the story or about your needs.
It also does not help if your ex-wife has been bad mouthing you to them or playing the victim and blaming you to them.
I think I would just keep calling and trying to get in touch. Maybe you can say in your messages to them that if their mother has been saying negative things about you, it's either not true, or that they haven't heard your side of the story.
Worst case scenario is that it takes several years for them to mature and grow up and realize that your relationship to their mother is not their business. People are allowed to leave their marriages, it is not a betrayal of the children to leave their other parent. Unfortunately, I think your divorce just came at a very difficult time in their lives because they are teens and teens are not mature enough to think this way.
When I was a teenager, my family moved to another country and I had a really rough time fitting in and became very depressed for many years as a result. it took me about 10 years to stop being angry at my parents for forcing that suffering on me! No I didn't cut them off in the meantime, just saying that I harbored resentment and anger towards them until I matured, which can only happen with the passage of time (often many years) and accumulating more life experience.
just be patient, and don't be upset if your teenagers refuse to have anything to do with you, even if it goes on for several years. Eventually they will grow up and mature as they learn and experience the world of adult relationships on their own. Then they will see you in a different and less hostile light.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 Be patient. Keep up the communication from your end -- call, send texts, etc. Be positive. It will likely take quite some time, but they need to know that you're there for them and that you want to be part of their lives.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 August 2013):
IF things are still civil between you and your wife, and you think she may be able to help get through to your kids, talk to her about helping you reconnect with them, if nothing else because it is in their interests to have a father in their lives. Maybe they feel abandoned, hurt and betrayed by you, but they do have to understand that you have your own life to live and that if you were unhappy in the marriage you had to leave. And you’ve made every effort to still be a part of their lives.
I wonder if you’ve got as far as hearing from them their reasons for still being so angry? It’s very hard if they’ve not told you why they don’t wish to speak to you because it leaves you little to work with. I’d suggest thinking about whether your wife may have planted a version of events that sees you as being responsible for the break-up of the family in their heads? Could she be pulling their strings?
Tell them (or write to them), about how much you miss them, how you understand they must be hurt but that whatever happened to your marriage, you’re always there for them and wanting to be part of their lives. Tell them that the door’s always open, and how you are missing them.
The best you can do is show them that they’re loved and cared for, and that your feelings for them remain the same regardless of what’s happened to your marriage. It’s down to them to accept that. And whatever you do, don’t appear to be criticising their mother as this would jeopardise any reconciliation.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I don't know what it's like being in your this sad situation, but I'll hazard a guess as to what might help.
Have you tried to remain friends and amend bridges with their mother? It must be a very difficult experience for them having their world shattered like this. They need something or someone to blame and to direct anger. They need a scapegoat that if they stay away from, they won't be hurt again. Unfortunately, since you did the leaving, you get the blame. If you can speak to your ex wife and talk to the children about what happened, that you're not happy with each other and it's not working out as a united front, they might find it easier to not see you as the culprit who ruined their family.
If they see their mother crying /depressed/ as the victim, then you can only be the perpetrator. The only way I can see of dealing with this is if your ex wife comes to your defense and doesn't make you look like you left selfishly.
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