A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So to try and cut this story down. Last year my friend was dating a guy who I had been friends with for a few years previous. Anyway they broke up last year, she dumped him by text, which kind of put me in an awkward situation, I felt needed to have my girlfriends back but I wanted to talk to my other friend as well which she didn't allow. Eventually I just told her I would always have her back, but I wanted to talk to him also, she was okay with it. Now recently she's been complaining he won't talk to her but I know it's because he's still dislikes her for embarrassing and hurting him although she feels as though she has done nothing wrong, simply that she felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere and didn't want to have to say it to his face. Anyway of recent times, I have been spending more time with him, growing closer, we've started unintentionally, I suppose, getting quite flirty and we just miss how we use to hang out. The thing is I think I'm actually developing these feelings for him, and last night, I heard his friend ask me had we 'went with' (kissed) each other yet, to which he replied 'not yet'. I really don't know what to do, I feel awful and so torn, I don't want to hurt my girlfriend. Can you guys give me advice, please don't tell me I'm a bad person I really can't help it!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): The trouble with dating within your circle of friends is awkwardness and someone gets angry.
You'll scoop up a close friend's ex, and she'll hate you for it. In this case, it's because they don't have real closure. Their breakup is somewhat unofficial. I don't have to agree with other aunts about this.
Oh, he'll hook up with you; because it's convenient to have a girl handy. She will make it her business to keep his feelings up in the air; and it will be very difficult for you both to have a comfortable relationship.
It's an unspoken code to stay away from ex-boyfriends that belonged to sisters or besties. Hey, it's cool with the guy. What has he got to lose? He could even mess around with his ex behind your back. It's win win for the boys!
She dumped him in a text. Then she'll apologize and take him back the same way. They won't feel so angry; after a month or two away from each other. It becomes a matter of ego when your best-friend is circling overhead like a vulture, waiting to snag your ex. Then it's a female against female situation, just to prove a point.
How many times have I had to witness this dramatic nonsense? How many posts have I read about it?
If you want to avoid drama; find a guy who has no close connections or ties within your group of girlfriends.
There is a period soon after a breakup where everyone is vulnerable, and they will rebound. He'll date her friends and even her sister to get back at her.
Someone gets hurt. It's way too convenient.
Even the other girls within the group may side with her, and turn on you. Be prepared. They won't trust you. It's very typical in your age-group. You all have much to learn.
I strongly suggest you wait, and let him get her completely out of his system.
That is, if you don't want to catch them texting each other; because they may have unfinished business. You'll always be wondering if she's completely out of his heart.
Look at the whole-picture; before you end up with a broken heart, and lost friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Simple who do you owe your loyalty most to?
Besides the fact she's a complete coward is she actually a good friend to you? Is she a lifer, if you know what I mean?
Just ask her about it. She obviously didn't give a shit about him if she dumped him by text so it'll probably be okay for you to date him.
Talk to her and see.
Personally I have a rule about close friends, no ex's no sisters. That's it. I have done it and it was disastrous, so never again. And they were friends who said they were okay with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): There are unwritten rules about not dating a GOOD friemd's ex, but if there's something strong enough between the two of you, then bear in mind that she did something that hurt and humiliated him, which isn't that nice... Is she worth depriving you both if happiness? Follow your heart- but not your groin lol... I was in a similar situation a while ago, but she had only slept with him a couple of times, years and YEARS ago, not even going out , when she heard i went on a doubke date with a mutual friemd she went mad... she slandered me, she Stressed my parents, got me into trouble with police... she is NOT a very nice person and has a lot of issues. I'm not friends with her anymore obv... She really couldn't handle it, can your friend handle it do you think? It's a tricky decision IF you really like him, and it's really your call. Don't let anyone dictate to you how to live your life... And you have a very STRONG foundation and been friends way before her... Are you prepared to lose her as a FriedNd though... Could well happen.Good luck ! :) xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 If a girl has to dump a guy by text, she had better just disappear from his life and not expect him to talk to her. If she has a problem with his silence she would have a problem with you dating him. She wouldn't be hurt but more like, "what are you doing with this guy, you can do better." When she sees you dating her ex she would look at you strangely. You want your future boyfriends to get along with your girlfriend. So if you want to go ahead and date him don't be surprised to lose your girlfriend. Your girlfriend doesn't sound like a nice person to be honest. It's time to think about what you want and do what you feel is right, that includes realizing developing feelings doesn't always mean you have to go ahead with the dating. You weigh the pros and cons but right now I see that the cons are more than the pros. There might be something about the guy which caused her to think the relationship is not progressing, or they just didn't get along. You know them better.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 September 2013):
 Firstly your girlfriend was unkind, not in dumping him but in the way she did it. To text was cowardly, insensitive and cruel and I don't blame him for not wanting to speak to her. It's just a pity she's so self absorbed she can't see it!
In forbidding to let you speak to him (when he was your friend first) she was being selfish, thoughtless and unreasonable.
Do you see a pattern emerging?
You and this guy were friends, you still are and are now developing feelings for each other. What have you done wrong? What makes you a bad person? Nothing!
She didn't want him and has treated him badly. She doesn't own him or you. You're an adult and a free agent.
If she's a true friend she'll be happy for you, somehow I think she'll be annoyed and make it all about her.
You may have to decide who you want to be with.
Just remember a true friend would want you to be happy and would not make you feel bad about this situation. If she does anything less then she's really not worth having as a friend.
I hope this helps AB x
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