A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help LADIES please answer this one, as you're the only ones that can... So I've been dating this girl, who is conflicted about her ex, but since I was so persistent, I guess she gave me a chance perhaps as a payback to her ex. My question is this one here, would a woman tell her ex that she's moved on if she still loves him? In other words if she REALLY was into me, whether I'm offering her emotional stability or not, will she or will she NOT tell her ex that she has moved on? Or if she's afraid to tell him, does it mean that she still loves him and is basically using me to get him mad, or to see if she can get over him? Because everytime he calls her telling her he wants her back, she'll get back with him. Could it be that she feels bad for him, or is it that she REALLY does still love him, and is in hopes of it working out again? Basically if she was REALLY into me, and altho there's NO security yet, will she just tell him that she just doesn't want to be with him anymore because she's noticed that she can live without him? ANY help will be GREAT! Thanks... P.S I heard through the grapevine that she's using me to pay him back, but she's having sex with me, and when he comes back she disappears but still answers my text, then they breakup, and BOOM she's back to me, and again and again..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): If it's just about the sex and you are dating several other women, why are you bothered about her going back to her ex?
She doesn't owe you anything. I think the whole thing is a mess.
It sounds like she has feelings for her ex but keeps you around as a plan B. If you don't like that then don't hang out with her anymore.
On the subject of morals, you both had sex in that car so you're in no position to judge.
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 She is with you for the sex, for the company, to help her forget about her ex and that is it, this does not make her a cheater or a person with bad morals.
A cheater is a person who is in a relationship with their partner and gets emotional or physically involve with another person, thats consider cheating.
Obviously you two are not in a relationship and are just dating. Unless you ask her to be exclusive and only be with you, you have no rights to try to put her down for her behavioral.
I feel that if she is playing you is because you allow yourself to be played.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2011):
 *chuckles*
I fully agree with Tisha!
Did you expect her to be monogamous with you while you "date" several other women? Seriously?
And as far as morals go... I see nothing "more" wrong in her actions then I do in yours.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 I have to laugh a bit here. Someone who is having sex with a person with no morals isn't really in much of a position of moral superiority himself. You date other women, she sees other men. Her "other" appears to be her ex. If she was concerned about being caught "cheating" she wouldn't be having sex with the bartender in the parking lot, or spend time with you at the bar. You've pointed out it would get back to him so then she's not exactly hiding it.
Personally, I think her choice in men is appalling, but hey, if you're in it for the sex, what's wrong with her being in it for the sex as well? If it bugs you, stop hanging out with her.
What is it you want from this woman, exactly?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw, she and I had sex just the second time in my car, in my driveway, this girl has no morals at all, does she? I mean who would do that on just the second time of having sex, and then gets back with her ex with NO remorse?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I'm sure she knows I date many women, I mean women aren't stupid, at least I DON'T think they are, she knows that I'm dating several women at this point, as I kept it real with her, so she knows I'm a single bartender that has most likely dated a few women that has entered in the lounge/club that I work at, she is 24 yrs old, so I'm assuming she isn't naïve, and she's from an urban area, I happen to think that urban minority women are smarter about men than women in small towns, (sorry if I offend anyone) and by me telling her that I am in fact dating other women, and that I'm in college and really have no time for a GF, I'm SURE she knows I'm playing around.. And yea she drinks, like any average person, NO she isn't an alcoholic, and neither is he from what she tells me, but she has told me that she's conflicted about him, and that they have had a turbulent relationship, so she wanted to take it day by day with me, we use to flrt and talk and have drinks at the lounge while she was still with him, there was a mutual interest between us (btw is that cheating on her part if she's having drinks, flirting, and complenting me as I do her as well, while she's in a relationship?) And we'll also go to a diner after the lounge in a group, until one day I told her "listen I know u have a man, but let me take u out someday" and she said "no, I'm single now, so here's my number" then we started dating the next day, then we dated for a month and a half then she got back with him, I would and text, she'll answer, then she came back to the lounge and they were broken up again, so we started dating again, and then a month later she got back with him again, we've been out here and there since then, but no sex, and she's come thru the lounge, but no sex, so now I'm typing this.. We're still in contact though... She's a cheater BIG TIME.. Don't u think??
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female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (4 January 2011):
It seems to me like she is not your girlfriend but your FWB and I think you are crossing the line and getting serious. You two are not in a relationship, in reality you don't know what she is thinking or feeling because she only goes to you when she wants some company. The person she has feelings for is her boyfriend and when things gets hard in her life she will run to you to help ease her pain, because your her friend without any comminment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2011):
This isn't something I ever did, but I do think she likes keeping her options open. She's got you hanging around.
Let me ask this, does she drink heavily? Does the ex drink heavily? And what is your reputation there, if you are the bartender who dates his customers often, are you a player or just a guy who wants to date many women?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy point isn't much, just wanted to know from the ladies, because I'm sure they all have been there at least once in their lives, so I just wanted to know if this girl really likes me or if she's just playing with me, or using me as a payback type of thing, I say payback because I'm a bartender and where we hang out which is where I bartend, there's a lot of people from her hometown there, so I'm assuming she's hoping one of them see her with me so they can run back and tell her ex, or one of his friends, and OF COURSE I'm SURE she'll deny it to him, but just the thought of him thinking she's seeing someone else, may make her feel good by seeing him jealous....
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2011):
Because you keep taking her back :)
Stop having anything to do with her and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): ******************************************************
I'm seeing other women, and she's just one of them as well, hey free sex is free sex, when all I have to do is take her to a movie, or to dinner, or drinks, and then we have sex...
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What's yout point???
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2011):
If he doesn't know she's seeing you, that's not much of a "take THAT, I'm flouncing off to my boytoy" lesson, now, is it? Sort of the tree falling in the woods parable, does it make a sound if no one is there to hear it? Not so much, you need the eardrums for that sound to be registered. Same for him, if he doesn't know about you, then you aren't really being used as payback.
Sounds like she's keeping her options open, just as you are. What is it you actually want from her? More sex? Have you ever talked about committing to her in any way?
So Matt has a child and is still involved on and off with the mother of his child. Interesting. A lot of drama and unstable relationships going on there. Maybe she likes that? And so do you if you stick around for it. Ah well, good luck to you as you attempt to decipher this woman's motives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI keep taking it because hey let's face it, she knows I'm seeing other women, and she's just one of them as well, hey free sex is free sex, when all I have to do is take her to a movie, or to dinner, or drinks, and then we have sex...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2011):
So John has been dating this girl, who is conflicted about her ex, but since he was so persistent, I guess she gave didn’t have a better fallback, so she goes out with him when she and Matt are on a break. Because everytime Matt calls her telling her he wants her back, she'll get back with him, dropping John. This has happened a couple of times and it seems odd that John hasn’t worked out that she puts him second. She drops John to go to Matt. When they break up, she goes back to the backup man, poor John.
P.S John has been told that he’s being used by her to pay Matt back, but he continues to have sex with her until Matt comes back, then she disappears but still keeps John hanging around by texting, then she and Matt break up yet again, and BOOM she's back to John, and again and again.
It’s kind of sad to watch this guy fail to see he’s the backup guy. Some women don’t like being alone, so they keep a backup guy waiting in the wings. Most guys wouldn’t take her back again and again (she must be very beautiful), they might let this happen maybe ONCE, but when she has so clearly demonstrated that her priority is Matt, that it’s Matt who determines when he wants her. In an ironic way, she is to Matt as John is to her. It’s fascinating to watch that he is so befuddled by her words that he completely ignores her actions. Amazing, the power of wishful thinking, to blind us from the obvious.
• That is what your friends are thinking.
“My question is this one here, would a woman tell her ex that she's moved on if she still loves him? In other words if she REALLY was into me, whether I'm offering her emotional stability or not, will she or will she NOT tell her ex that she has moved on?”
She hasn’t told her ex she’s moved on. She HASN’T moved on.
“Or if she's afraid to tell him, does it mean that she still loves him and is basically using me to get him mad, or to see if she can get over him?”
She’s keeping you around because you are willing to be the backup guy. Why would she be afraid to tell him to take a hike? She’s not afraid to take him back. She still loves him. She’s using you because you are available and willing to take this yo-yo relationship nonsense.
“Could it be that she feels bad for him, or is it that she REALLY does still love him, and is in hopes of it working out again?”
She certainly doesn’t feel bad for you, does she, when she runs back to him? She appears to care more about what Matt thinks that what you think.
“Basically if she was REALLY into me, and altho there's NO security yet, will she just tell him that she just doesn't want to be with him anymore because she's noticed that she can live without him?”
She doesn’t appear to be able to live without him, based on what you’ve written. She goes back again and again.
She is not really into you. If she was, she wouldn’t be dumping you again and again. Why are you tolerating this outrageous behavior? Is she beautiful? Do you have some self-esteem issues?
What are your friends telling you? That infamous grapevine has some information, only you aren’t really ready to pay attention to the negatives on her. You sound so eager to believe that there’s some force at work within her that keeps her bouncing back to Matt. That eager force inside her is HER. SHE’S deciding to do this again and again. You’ve decided you are willing to wait around for her. The real question you should be asking yourself, is why do you tolerate being the backup man, the constant uncertainty and her obviously skewed dating priority?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe knows I'm seeing other women though, perhaps I'm the perfect candidate to what she's trying to do, "have her cake and eat it too" it seems that her ex or BF, whatever he is, is also cheating on her with his kid's mother, and he's sort of neglecting her, that's why I think I'm a payback to him from her, because she hasn't told him that she's seeing someone else, therefore leading me to believe that she said "ok, since u can cheat, then so can I, and until u commit FULLY, I'll keep my boytoy on the side so that everytime you mess up, I have him to play with" I mean I haven't commited to her, and we only see each other during the day, or on Saturdays and we'll party together, but that's it, and we've only had sex 3 times in 3 months, the rest is her teasing me by making out heavy, and then leaving my house.. I'm assuming that when a girl REALLY likes you, she WON'T tease as much, right??
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (4 January 2011):
I have to agree with Jmtmj. She's using you when it is convenient for her, nothing more. You are her doormat. Time to cut her loose and look for someone who has it together.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 She does this again and again because YOU LET HER!!!
She knows that you'll keep taking her back so there's no real decision for her to make... no lasting ramifications or consequences to her making a piss-poor decision.
Of course she still has strong feelings for her ex... but she's never going to take being with you seriously if she knows she can flit around with whomever seems like the best option for her at the time and then be taken back by her second choice (you) regardless.
DON'T BE A DOORMAT!
(Yes I realize I'm not a lady :P)
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Ahhhh - run Forest, run!!!!
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