A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI'm just looking for advice.about 6 months ago I started dating a girl who is severely depressed. She takes medication so sometimes its not so bad. We get along well, although I feel like the connection isn't as deep as it could be as he always resorts to talking about sexual things and particularly has a fascination with the idea of public sex, which ruins things like trying to go to the cinema even though i've told her i don't want to do that.She also often will only talk pretending to be a little girl, doing a fake voice. At first I thought it was just a joke but it happens more and more with time. She doesnt do it all the time but its disturbing me how frequently she does it now. When she is acting normal, she is a smart and interesting girl and really enjoyable to spend time with, which is why I have stuck around this long.However when it's bad, I feel like she always takes it out on me and is often just totally unfair.One day I didnt send her a message as my house was raided by the police, and it turns out we had someone hiding in another flatmates room who was arrested for murder. When i eventually messaged her to tell her what had happened her reply was simply "of course". when I asked her what she meant she replied "its always all about you" and then ranted about how i dont care about her and its always about me etc.That is the most extreme example, but similar things keep on happening. I do my best to care for her and support her but then if one day i have my own things to deal with, there is hell to pay and she seems to forget all the good things I've tried to do.I always travelled about 30 mins by car to visit her, and then one day i asked if we could meet in the middle or near to my place (as we never did it) and she was angry, saying i dont want to see her.I think i can't deal with this anymore but i also feel like a bad person if i leave someone with depression.Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): No, you aren't. I dated a guy for nearly 2 years who had depression and other issues. For the first couple of months I was happy and then after that it went downhill fast. He wouldn't help himself, and made me into a very depressive person myself. I spent most of our time together upset and dreading our future together. I tried helping him but there was nothing I could do.
I broke up with him as I'm not his caretaker, his councillor or advisor and i am not trained to help people with mental health issues. It's not my job to 'fix' him if he won't get help himself. How can you be a good partner if you feel unhappy in the relationship you're in?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2022): You should have seen this coming. If you knew the girl had depression that was when you should have realised it would all get serious, heavy and high maintenance and walked away.
To be honest I am not sure she has "depression" and not some other real far more serious mental health problem. People with depression are not usually looking to date, they usually feel too awful physically and mentally to get washed and dressed and go out, eat etc, let alone lead any sort of normal life.
I'm a private full time therapist, I get lots of people come to me claiming to have depression who do not. They either have something more serious wrong with them or they are simply going through a negative patch where they are put out because things are not going their way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2022): OP, you KNEW she was "severely depressed" when you met her and started dating. You knew she was "severely depressed" when you had SEX with her, causing her to get more attached to you. So do not play the VICTIM here. You are NOT the victim. Whatever you do, it will be on your conscience because you led her on, and once you used her, and got tired of her, you are finding a reason to let her go. If she had depression, and that is a very relevant mental health issue, you should have told yourself you are not prepared to deal with it from the very beginning, and never get involved, instead of causing her to become even MORE depressed BECAUSE OF YOU! That is the truth as I see it from this angle. I do not agree with the others. I stand up for people who are the underdog or have disabilities or challenges! I feel bad for them. They are the ones who are vulnerable, not you.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (4 June 2022):
 Her mental health is definitely not your responsibility. You can’t stay with someone just because they struggle with depression. Besides, this doesn’t even have that much to do with her depression, is the fact that she’s treating you like crap. She is very manipulative, and clearly doesn’t want to make the effort. She wants it her way or no way. Yes, I know that sometimes with depression, people get upset and sometimes I rate or unreasonable, I mean I struggle with depression myself, so I would know.
But this is not the same. From what you’re saying, it happens every single time you want her to make an effort. And every single time you suggest an alternative to doing things her way. And that’s not good.
So yes, I would cut ties with her. Be prepared for her to probably be angry and upset, but that’s not your fault. There’s no point of carrying on with her when she clearly isn’t bothered to make an effort, and just abuses and manipulates you. That’s no good for your mental health or well-being.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (3 June 2022):
Great answers from both YCBS and HoneyPie. I agree with them whole-heartedly.
Since this relationship is very new at 6 months, my advice is to throw this one back in the sea. Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work so early on.
If you do decide to stay for now (which NONE of us recommends), I understand there's a book called "How to stop walking on eggshells" by someone whose name I can't remember. It's a bit dated now but it was aimed at the partners, friends & families of m Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers. I'm no psychiatrist but I do know that some people with depression may also exhibit some negative behaviours often associated with BDP.
I'm not suggesting your girlfriend has BDP but the book may give you some tips and insights
Regards
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 June 2022):
 I absolutely agree that YOU are not responsible for her mental health.
This seems like a bit of a one-sided relationship where you put in a lot of effort to spend time together. She WON'T meet you halfways. When you weren't able to text she got abusive. Plain and simple.
It's OK to decide that she isn't the right fit for you.
If you stay you will not CURE her depression or attitude.
I get feeling like a bad person, but if SHE isn't a good fit, she isn't a good fit!
Better to end it now, before either or both of you get in "too deep".
Wish her well, tell her you don't see the two of you being a good fit overall, and then BLOCK the fire out of her. DO NOT offer to be "friends" after. Just call her and end it. YOU do NOT need to do it in person. And remember the SHORTER this conversation is, the better. No need to point out that she SUCKS the joy out of the relationship.
She will be a bit hurt to be dumped. THAT can not be prevented. Just don't drag it out or string her along.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (2 June 2022):
 First and foremost, your girlfriend's mental health issues are not your responsibility. You need to understand that and keep reminding yourself of it.
If you girlfriend didn't suffer with depression but acted in every other way as she does now, would you still be with her? Of course not. You absolutely cannot allow her depression to keep you tied to her, when you are clearly not happy. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into staying in a situation in which you are not happy and which you do not view as long term.
Don't let this drift. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to break up. Just explain, kindly but firmly, that you don't think you are suited long term and you don't want to waste her time. Then cut all ties and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): Personally I would never go out with or befriend someone who has a lot of problems or baggage because this is the sort of thing that happens, it always rears it's ugly head and bites you on the bum later. Forget ideas about helping her, you are not helping her one bit. If the situation is not pleasurable then don't get into it and don't continue it.
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