A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Asking for advice on dealing with this situation.My son told me "Mom, I've got some bad news. No other way to tell you, this, but my ex-girlfriend says I'm the father of her young daughter."He's only 19, btw.He then logged into his Gmail and showed me.The ex-girlfriend, BTW, now lives in China, he dated her for a year and they broke up because her family had to go back to China, this was 3 years ago.They were Chinese expats here on visas. A rich Chinese family basically.The relationship ended because her dad's job contract stated he had to move back to China. Obviously a minor can't just stay on in the US no matter how much she likes it here.I recognized the name on the email, it was his ex-girlfriend, so not a scam probably.I'd definitely met his girlfriend, at the time 3-4 years ago, she spoke good English and seemed like a nice girl.We didn't know the family that well, but they were always on the go, so didn't see them that much.They were nice people from what I remember.I definitely knew who he was talking about.In our state, the age of consent is 16 for two people close in age, which my son and his ex obviously were.We live in Maine where "The age of consent here in Maine is 16. Teenagers aged 14 and 15 may engage in sexual intercourse with partners who are less than 5 years older. " according to Wikipedia.My son told me at firat that he doesn't want to be a dad or involved in the child's life, the condom split at the time. But then he changed his mind a few hours later and said he had to be involved, he's absolutely sure he's the dad, remembers how into him his ex was.He's a good kid, wants to do well in life.But, my husband is furious, says my son's avoiding responsibilities.My son didn't plan to get this girl pregnant.It's definitely not your standard teen pregnancy is it, with him being here in the US, her in China?I don't think he even could be involved in the kid's life even if he wanted to, due to the distance between them. I feel like I don't know how to deal with this.We know the family (but not that well). They lived 3-4 blocks away at the time.My son admitted he wants help, he needs it. It took a lot of courage for him to ask.I'd taught my son about safe sex, he seems to have followed it.The big question, what do we do next?I don't think we can get the girl to come over here due to China's lockdowns which were mentioned on CNN a few weeks/months ago and obviously we can't go and visit them to discuss it.Is there a solution that can be a compromise for all people involved?My son feels confused and worried over the whole thing.How can we help him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2022): I sense a bit of naivety on both you and your son's part.
What makes you so sure that:
1. It is actually the girl emailing (i've had spam/scam emails from lots of so-called past friends/ex's as it's so easy for hackers to do).
2. The baby is your son's? There's no way to prove this with her living so far away now.
3. She isn't simply trying it on to find a way to get back go the US?
As somebody else pointed out, this girl kept quiet all the way through pregnancy and for the first 2 years of the child's life. Has 'she' explained why?
The first thing I would is check her other social media pages. Look for pictures of the child growing up. Check the timeline adds up and go from therr.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 June 2022):
 So, from what I understand from your post (sorry if I have this wrong), this girl has kept quiet about her pregnancy and subsequent child for 3 years. Are you absolutely sure this is not a scam?
If it is definitely the girl writing, I would want DNA proof that the child is your son's. Not sure how you would arrange that, given the distance involved. If the tests come back positive, then your son needs to discuss with the girl (and her family?) what they expect from him and how much involvement he can have in his daughter's life.
Sorry, but given the time lapse, I would be highly skeptical of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): Step 1 - get a paternity test. Step 2 - get a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (2 June 2022):
 I’m not very well educated on the laws in China and America regarding this type of situation. Maybe you should seek some advice from an attorney, or someone who knows more about immigration and child-support. I think the only thing right now that your son can do is at least send her some sort of financial support, maybe contact her on another social platform first just to make sure that it’s definitely her.
You see the issue is, he may not of intended to get her pregnant, but with sex, even safe sex, comes a possibility of pregnancy, no matter how small the percentage is. Another it’s happened, both your son and his ex are going to have to take responsibility.
Maybe look around online if there’s any other helplines or services that can help you?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): As they are a wealthy family I don't think they are after money but it would be decent to send a stipend every month.
The girlfriend probably wants the baby's dad involved in their life and the best way to start would be to communicate via video link for now.
I think travel will be involved in about 12 months time.
There is no reason to be afraid or confused.
Perhaps your son could start thinking more clearly of his future.
Saying he's just a kid and the condom split is a bit of a copout.
Now's the time for your son to mature in to a man.
He could offer to pay for D.N.A testing.
Also as you are now grandparents you want to start thinking of ways to connect with the baby and his mother and her parents.
Slowly realise that you now have a new addition in your lives and the child will enrich your lives if you move forward cautiously .
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A
male
reader, Letligon +, writes (2 June 2022):
look got to be honest with you, interracial children are a bit of a weird thing for couples, as parents consider how you'd feel if you see your child looking like an Asian man, and for the Asian family to see their grandkids look completely different from them. It's gonna be weird, the first thing to consider. now for the other things to worry about, how do you know for sure the child is his, and why you weren't told about this kid, sooner than 3 years, if you had a daughter I'm sure you would tell the kid's father as soon as possible. The next thing is what does she want? she wouldn't just mail in to let you know hey I got a baby after 3 years, i feel like there is something more to this story that ur not sharing or she isn't. now your son for better or worse if is indeed a father after the DNA test that you need to make sure is done by YOUR doctor of choice and is not conducted in china, should go ahead and accept that he can ruin a childs future by being selfish or he can raise the baby, now i do recommend to kick him out of the house and have him live with this other girl in their own house and have him be an independent man as soon as possible,help him as much as you can and don't hold much back, you need to speak with the Chinese parents and speak to them on your own accord because their passports aren't that good, so i don't know if she can stay in the USA that much if she cant then your son in order to take care of the baby has to go to China, your life is a mess lady and truly... i wish you all the best
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