A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Met a seemingly nice, older man at my church [60s]. He offered to help me with some yard work. He never accepted pay for it, but would make comments like, "I have a lot of women friends and I love to help them." I kept getting the feeling he was going to ask me out, but he never did. He began texting strange things, like, "I know you're mad at me. I'm never talking to you again," and I would be confused and ask what he means, but he would never explain. Then he would text a few days later, "Hey, how are you? Just checking on you!" I stopped texting him back, because it was feeling a bit creepy. I've noticed he drives by my house a lot now. There is zero reason for him to drive by. I live down a secluded street. While he seems mild mannered, I'm a bit concerned by all the drive-bys. I haven't spoken or texted back in several months. Should I say something to him and ask him to stop driving by? Or should I just let it go and hope he finds someone else to stalk? Sometimes I'm afraid to say something, for fear it might exacerbate the behaviors [I am an abuse survivor.] Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): CCTV is relatively inexpensive and I think it would be a worthwhile investment. Surely stalking is a crime in the US? Here in the UK police would log reports of suspected stalking, and combined with cctv of him driving past your house it would be Good evidence (particularly if your house can't be argued it is en route to another destination).
It's a very odd situation, you're wise to have stopped communicating and I wouldn't message him at all now. Have a chat with a police officer about the initial friendliness, then the odd messages and how you believe he is keeping tabs on you since you stopped contact - they should at least take his name and licence plate details and run some background checks on this man. If he has previous for stalking, garrassment or domestic violence they can take the next steps. Don't suffer in silence or try to handle it yourself, you don't know what this man's mental state is like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2022): The police would do nothing, driving part someone's home is not a crime. Nor is telling them you will harm them believe it or not. Even then the police wait until they have done the harm as threatening to is not a crime. And you would need proof it happened, not just he said and she said.
I would not involve others at the church either, it will start gossip, much of which will change the subject or twist things until you become the guilty party if you are not careful.
It's best he thinks you don't notice or care that he drives past, otherwise it makes him feel powerful and important.
This is one of the snags that can happen when you are a woman living alone. You become easy prey to guys who are not normal who cannot get a woman normal ways.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (4 June 2022):
 I’m not sure how safe it would be for you to tell him to stop driving by, it could actually create more issues. He could just be mentally ill, or he could be one of those horrible people who like to make people feel uncomfortable, and if he finds out that you’re creeped out by him driving by, it might encourage him to carry on, because he might get some sort of thrill out of knowing that you’re obviously scared. And since he hasn’t actually done anything, the police probably wouldn’t do much either. So I would tell someone at your church to have a word with him, and I would also tell some of your own friends and family, just to make people aware of the situation. Make sure to lock your doors and windows at night and don’t answer the door to him if you’re at home on your own.
Other than that, just try to carry on as normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2022): He drives by to see if you have visitors, especially if it is a guy, he wants to know if you are alone and lonely. Guys like this think that if you are single, alone and lonely they will be the one, the one who can visit,enjoy you, have fun with you, chat to you, and have you all to themselves. They are not thinking about dating you, just coming around enjoying you and going home. Met loads of guys like this, three were from the church.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (2 June 2022):
 Is there anyone at your church who you can speak to in confidence about this man's behaviour? Someone who can perhaps give you advice on how to handle this? Or who could even speak to him on your behalf and explain to him that his behaviour is not acceptable? Perhaps others have already complained?
From your description, it sound like he is a social misfit (at best) or suffers with mental health issues (at worst). Keep yourself safe and never answer to door to him if you are alone. That aside, I would try to carry on as normal.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2022):
 I don't think you asking him to stop driving by your house will make him stop driving by.
He seems odd, for sure.
Is he still a member of your church? If so talk to your decon, priest, or pastor - it might be better coming from a man.
Keep a record of when he drives by. He might think he is "being protective" by driving by.
While I can understand that you feel creeped out, I would ignore it and keep moving on with life. Be GLAD you never went on any dates with him.
Stay safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): If it were me I would avoid this guy big time. You cannot tell him not to drive down your street - you don't own it, he can drive anywhere he likes.Obviously he does not have lots of women friends, if he did he would not be so keen on watching you or contacting you, he would be too busy with them.
I started going to church years ago when I was in a very vulnerable situation. I had just moved to a totally new area where I knew nobody at all, could not drive to get to the church and asked the church if someone who lived near me may be going there sundays and could give me a lift when they go. They passed me onto an elderly widower guy who said yes he would take me sundays. We went to church a few times and he was polite and "normal". He suggested we go out for coffee and cake and I said yes as I knew nobody at all in the area, it was very very lonely, and I was totally single too. We went shopping a few times, and for a meal.
Then one day when he brought me home from church in my front room he said to me - look I don't want a proper relationship, I am not interested in having a wife or girlfriend (he was a lot older than me and not at all my type for that) I just want you for sex. I am impotent but I want to be able to come around to your place and play with your breasts when it takes my fancy. I was flabber ghasted.
And insulted that he thought I would allow any man to treat me that way. What on earth would I have got out of that myself?!! So of course I said no. He got angry, grabbed me and tried to pull my top off. I fought him off and he raced out of the house. As he raced out he said "don't tell the church what I did"!!! I immediately phoned the police,
and yes I did tell the church, who wrote to him and told him that he was no longer welcome at the church.
What got me was that the minister of the church told me that it was best I no longer go there too!! When I had done nothing at all wrong. Anyway I had no way of getting there now. Two of the women who went to the church, stuff bible bashers, phoned me and had a go at me saying I must have led him on, and it was wrong of me to go out with him shopping and for tea and cake! Why? Because they had tried to rope me into going to church more and more working for the church for free on a regular basis doing flowers, taking care of parents' children and much more and I was not interested in going there so much - anyway I had to work to earn my living.
The church can be a wonderful thing but it can also be a strange and shady place. People have strange ideas and can be very judgmental and have double standards.
If anything dodgy happens with this guy I guarantee you that the church will not be sympathetic or helpful towards you , nor will they understand. He has already lied to you about having lots of women friends. He has already shown you that he is odd. Beware.
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