A
female
age
30-35,
*needhim
writes:Hi,I have been in am amazing relationship for the past 1 and a half. He is loving, caring, more than perfect, appreciates me, notices me..most things i have never even heard of. He is also pretty emotional but hes the type of guy that needs to have a woman in his life. I am 20 and hes 24, we planned to get married and have kids, buy a sailboat..all the amazing things in life. Recently, he had to move overseas for work but we are doing the long distance, online thing and I planned to move with him after i was done school ( in 6 months)with the summer being with him. And it worked, until recently. For some reason, he went behind my back and talked to someone i thought was my friend. She told him about a fling i had 3 years ago while on vacation. He called me right after..yelling at me, calling me all names in the book ( which he has never ever ever done before) asking me what happened, was he "bigger" and all these insecure things. He dumped me on the stop, but then got back together pleading to be with him and that he loves me. I finally went to see him after 3 months of trying to fix it over the phone. Now, hes being a little distant, telling me it still bugs him, he might not get over it and that he doesn't trust me about other things in my past. I have never done anything to hurt him or lie to him, i have been faithful and honest. For the past 10 days while visiting, he hasn't said i love you and we kept fighting over it. We plan to make it work for the 3 months I am here. What do i do?
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got back together, I love you, insecure, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): you had a 'fling", was this an affair??was your bf under the impression that you did not have anyone else in your life previously? did you lie by ommission, surely after 1.5 years you could have told him about the flings/relationships/affairs you had previous to him. in this way no surprises and no hurt feelings. it is called being upfront. i also think you are not seeing the bigger picture - your bf did not go behind your back and get the 'dirty" on you. you lied by ommission and it is obvious that you did not want him to know about the other man/men you had sex with. how can you build a relationship with half truths and ommissions. just another way to look at your situation. what you did prior to him is your own business BUT you should have have the common courtesy to advise him about previous partners.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 You've done absolutely nothing wrong and don't think for a second that you should apologize for anything. Let him know that he can either get over it or he can't, but you've done nothing wrong. If he wants to be a baby that's fine, but he should do it on his own time by crying himself to sleep instead of taking it out on you. Don't coddle him or you'll end up with a baby instead of a man.
Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Did he think you were a virgin before him? Did he think you weren't think kind of girl who is capable of having a "fling" outside a real realtionship? Did he personally know the other guy? Did you mislead him about your sexual history or habits in some way?
I am asking because something about this seems weird. He is acting like what he learned really took him totally by surprise. If I was in your shoes I would try to figure out that issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): He sounds a bit strange to me. This was BEFORE you even met. Maybe it is good you seen this side of him before you guys did get married.
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A
male
reader, RyanS +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Your case is strong. You have not cheated on him while being his gf. Many people make errors of judgment in life. Who knows what mistakes he has done when he was a teenager? I support your effort in this one. Now, if your nice guy feels so bad about your fast sexual episode that he is distancing from you, then he is not a strong guy. He is failing the first major test in the relationship. Imagine tomorrow, if someone sends him a fake photo of you with another guy, will he leave you for it rather than giving you the benefit of doubt? You are being a nice gf, and I hope he sees it soon. Take care, and wish you happiness.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 This guy calling you names for a past relationship? What a jerk. You do not need to be punished for HIS insecurity. You have nothing to "fix" with him. It's none, and I mean NONE of his business who you dated before you went out with him, just as it's none of yours about his past. You need to tell him to get over it or lose you for good, and that he needs to seriously GROW UP. If he doesn't get over it, then believe it or not, he's done you a major favor by revealing his jealous and controlling side before you tied the knot and had kids. You must take the stand NOW. Don't you dare go chase after him and apologize and grovel for his favor. He needs to be doing that to you after the way he's treated you. There are other men who are better than him, and you can't get hung up on him, or you give away any self-respect (not to mention HIS respect) you ever have.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (21 May 2010):
 What you do is tell him it was THREE friggin' YEARS ago.. what's it got to do with him, anyway? If it didn't happen while you were with him, and it was presumably BEFORE you knew he even lived on this planet, then what's his problem? It's pretty nutty to act as though you committed some grand sin in the here and now. You may wish to point that fact out to him the very next time he's falling all over the place having hysterical fits about something that has nothing to do with him and never did. Maybe try: Hello!? Reality?
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