A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiancee for over 5 years. I love her, and couldn't imagine my life without her. That isn't to say we aren't without our problems. Our most pressing issue is that we work different schedules. I'm an attorney, and she's in the restaurant industry. Some nights, she doesn't get out of work until 12 or 1 am, in which case I'm already in bed. Once or twice/week, she will go out with coworkers for drinks when she's done. I know I can't expect her to be able to come home and sleep directly after work, so I don't protest too often. However, to me there is a big difference between having a few drinks between, say, 5-9 after a normal work day, and 1-5 am after her normal work day. I trust her, but there's something wrong when she's coming home after the sun comes up. Aside from that, usually if she's not home by 3 I wake up and can't go back to sleep until I hear her come home. Am I being unreasonable by expecting her home by the time the sun comes up? I'm not a controlling person, and I do trust her, but I really don't trust other guys and am afraid something is going to happen. Am I justified?
View related questions:
co-worker, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2011):
 So once a week, she goes out after work with her co-workers? I think that it is not uncommon for people in the food/restaurant/bar industry to unwind in this way, it's perhaps comparable to the M-F 9-5 crew going out and staying out really late on a Friday. Say work lets out at 5 pm and they don't get home until 2 or 3 am? That's roughly what's happening here, I think. It's just the time-frame shifts because of the working hours.
I expect most people eventually find the party scene less attractive as time goes on and when they get married and have children.
I think your worries about what might happen with an overly aggressive and drunk amorous guy aren't unfounded. I guess the real question is whether she is planning to sustain this partying well into your relationship and whether she understands your concerns about it.
It may be that she's a true night owl and you are more like the rest of us in that we wind down around midnight or thereabouts (this depends on age and the desire to 'party').
I think it's perfectly reasonable to express your concerns about the guys and the worry that something bad might happen to her. But then LISTEN to her and what she has to say about it. Maybe one night, if they do this on a weekend, you could go join them? To get a sense of what happens?
It may come down to she's a late-night party person and you are a 9-5 it's midnight I'm a pumpkin person.
Communicate your fears and your care for her and be sure to let her do the same in return. Talk but also LISTEN. If you're a trained attorney, I'm sure you know how to listen well.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): I would be interested to know how often she rolls in at 3am or whatever time it is. I will say this, she may feel presuured to go out with work colleagues after her shift, maybe she works with a lot of party animal types? If her job is important to her ( and that is a GOOD thing) she may feel like she has to go out; peer presuure...You say 'I love her, and couldn't imagine my life without her.'.... then talk to her! Tell her it bothers you, ask her to tone it down. If she goes out and gets wrecked once a week, ask her to make it once a month, compromise, I think that's fair. Also, you arent married, I presume you have no kids. Like it or not, it is kind of okay that she is still in to partying and if you love her so much, well...?Maybe she knows she is going to get married and settled soon and this is her last blow out? have you thought of it that way? I still went out and got wrecked in my 30s and it was only when I realised that it was the right time to settle down that I stopped. She's in her 20s (I'm presuming) not her 50s dude.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 July 2011):
 Hi,
Five years together, and you love her. So you would, hopefully, be able to discuss things openly and understand each other's needs and aspirations very well.
But should you be worried?
I think you are being entirely reasonable. Shift work is tough. Broken sleep is the pits too. Any job can be tough.
But it seems a tad thoughtless for your partner to Not want to get home earlier.
I think I would feel hurt if it was 5pm-9pm OR 1am-5am. However at least one could blame traffic delays 5pm-9pm. But there should be no such delays operating 1am-5am.
Surely a loving fiance would not want to delay getting home that much?
Apparently yes?
To not want to say Hi to you, even if she then goes to chill out for a while, before she chooses to go to bed?
At least she gets a chance to have a long unbroken sleep while you are at work. And it is likely you are not getting enough sleep either.
It is an intolerable situation.
The fact that she wants to socialise (but not with you, for a considerable time a couple of times a week, after her shift finishes is a further indicator that she's enjoying being apart from you, More than she is enjoying being with you.
When are you and your partner supposed to communicate and stay in touch and nurture the relationship?
And how are you supposed to build trust when your partner comes home feeling Exhilarated by the socialising, while you are getting organized to start the day.
Then you get home, perhaps wanting to relax and build rapport and enjoy each other's company. But no. Your partner is getting organised to start the working day.
One or both of you need to either compromise or change. Finding a position for an attorney, required to work similar hours as your partner may be very difficult. Unless your partner is a Michelin Star chef, then surely your partner could consider looking hospitality work, in a nice Bistro that operates 7am-late afternoon.
Alternatively the relationship needs to be re-thought.
Without some changes or some compromise then this relationship is being undermined. If that continues, then will the relationship be viable, in the future, in the future? I don't think so.
The two of you are like ships in the night, passing by, but not connecting as well as you could, if you saw each other (willingly) more often.
Is there any chance that your partner is doing more than platonic socializing at the end of the shift?
If this socializing is happening so regularly then I would wonder is your partner already building a relationship, away from home? Or gambling? Or indulging in other things your partner would not do in front of you?
As an attorney it is likely that you work long hours, sometimes working back. So how are you supposed to make this
relationship work?
There must be days when both of you are together, and neither of you are working. And where you can raise your concerns.
But if she also seeks to minimise contract at these times too, then please consider her commitment to you. It is sad to have to ask. But better now than later. It's a Trust thing and needs to be resolved.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 even if she comes home at 1am, she won't really be able to spend any quality time with you coz you'll be asleep but how often does she say out partying until dawn? if its very often through the week then yes, there is something wrong and you may have to ask yourself is she some kind of party animal who doesn't WANT to settle down? will she consider a day time job? has she always worked evenings since you have known her? if you two have not spent a great deal of time together then i might be worried about how you will cope with living together as a couple or as a family when you get married and have kids. is she much younger than you? you should talk to her about her reason for all this partying/drinking. she may even have an alcohol problem that makes her want to go out rather than come home to you. if she has not got some level of alcohol dependency now, it is only a matter of time before she does get it, anyone who 'needs' a drink to unwind or to be able to get to sleep on a regular basis or even nightly is in trouble i think
x
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (11 July 2011):
 Maybe you have a lifestyle incompatibility.
Think about how long this life pattern will last BEFORE you get married.
My thought is if she REALLY wanted to be home right away..she would be.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 I can imagine a life without her. You are already without her. She is married to her career and life after career. Maybe I am biased. I won't bother with drinkers, I won't bother to reason with them and change them. You should have said something the first time she did it, not 5 years later, and about to get married. Sorry I wish I could have refrained from posting such a non constructive response but I really couldn't stand drinkers. I couldn't bring myself to love a person like that.
...............................
|
