A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am not used to seeking advice, especially on a public site but I am at a complete loss and I will try anything to get a handle on this. Please feel free to weigh in here.First a brief background. My girlfriend and I met by having an affair. I was married and she was single when it all began. I should have known better but she was beautiful and young and she made me feel alive. She was too hard to resist. I know, I am an asshole. I realize it was wrong to cheat on a woman I made vows with. And it was selfish. I know this now. My girlfriend has reminded me that I should have ended the marriage before getting involved with her. But I was too weak and too afraid to take that risk. I did not want to lose a 25 year union with children and grand children and finances and an entire history (identity, security, future plans) intertwined in that decades long relationship. But my wife and I had grown apart. She liked to sit at home while I liked to be out doing things. It ended up that I went out and did activities on my own because she was anti social. At first, it was okay. We were both home bodies. But I later found new hobbies. I joined the gym, took art classes, started a small side business, played golf, all things she was not interested in doing and gave me the go ahead to do on my own. On New Year's Eve, I would go play cards with friends while she sat at home. She did not like to attend social gatherings. I think it started from there. The sex then began to drop off. It was not a great sexual relationship from the start. I believe we had more of an intellectual connection. But nonetheless we did not have frequent sex, and when we did it seemed obligatory on her part. We went on a cruise about 15 years ago and I had hoped it might have rekindled our dwindling sex life but it did the opposite. She completely turned off sex after that trip. And it had been 15 years of abstinence when I met my current girlfriend I had an affair with. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, it was weak. But it happened. There were reasons that led me down that path, although the way I handled the situation was not admirable and it was very hurtful to many. I carry this with me. I have gone through counselling both for myself and with my girlfriend since. I have tried to work through the guilt of hurting my wife and family, even though when I made the decision to leave it was after therapy with my wife. I discovered the thought of having sex with her repulsed me and I could no longer continue in that relationship. I came to realize the connection we once had was gone, as evidenced by the lack of sex for years. My girlfriend has to deal with that guilt as I am hard to get along with sometimes. She just wants a new beginning but I have past demons to contend with. I thought I dealt with them but they keep popping up. I suppose she is right that perhaps I sweep them under the rug but she says I need to confront them if things are to work out in the long run. She has begged me to get to therapy, that I require more of it because she feels my issues are still impacting her and our relationship. She says I am emotionally distant and keep a wall up. She fears I will have other affairs and lately she has been concerned about me going online and having internet relationships with women just for fun or to escape our problems. She has asked me to tell her the truth, that if I want to play around, I should let her go. She wants a serious relationship now and has no intention of continuing to be a mistress after I have left my wife to be with her. She says I still treat her as one but I don't see it. I feel she has a great deal of anxiety about our relationship because she was front row center when I cheated on my wife. She was not equipped to be a mistress even then. It was emotionally draining on her to go through that and it literally drove her mad. But somehow her love for me overrode all her issues and she stayed with me for 6 years. My wife and I separated last year and my girlfriend and I have been together since. But it has not been easy. She will not allow herself to be happy. She is unable to let her guard down with me, even though I tell her continuously that I love her, I chose to leave my marriage to start a new life with her, and that I would never hurt her. She just cannot seem to let herself believe any of that, and I am at a loss how to stop the mistrust and help her feel at ease. She has days or maybe a week at the most where she seems to be able to relax but then it all starts up again and she begins to question me again. She has even said I could be a narcissist. Wow, that was mind boggling to hear. Nobody has ever suggested that to me, nor has anybody ever delved so deeply into my psyche as she does. She is a psychology major. Sometimes this can be off putting. She has begged me to see a psychiatrist because she feels there is something wrong with me. She seems to think I have an addictive personality, as I play lots of games and I am always on my technology watching videos or being online when I have days off from work or I am not with her. I do not go on my tech when we are together but when we are not together I don't have much to do so I go online. I don't talk to anyone. But she wonders why when we are not together I am on my iPad or computer yet when she is with me, I do not go on either. It is self explanatory. I pay attention to her when we are together. But she seems to think I am going online a lot when she is not around so that I can do things behind her back. I feel there is something wrong with her because she has anxiety and has a difficult time trusting me. She feels there is something wrong with me because I like to be online and enjoy my iPad and computer and apps on my devices which are not harmful to her. She says that I used to communicate with her online and she has seen it before and worries who I am communicating to while she is not around. She feels she is taking my wife's place and now that the relationship has progressed and is everyday, that I will seek out excitement again because I am bored with her, and I will leave her. I will not leave her. Not for anyone else and not for any reason. I am happy with her. When she does not have anxiety, everything is wonderful. I think she is an amazing woman but her mistrust is putting undue strain on our relationship. I keep telling her she has nothing to worry about. But her newest worry is that I am keeping her for regular and steady sex (because it is hard work to keep finding different women for sex and I am lazy) and having occasional flirtations online or in person. She says I want the best of both worlds, like when I was married. She even went so far as to say that I probably cheated on my wife before I met her and that I am a serial cheater with patterned behavior, which I will keep repeating until I get help. She says I will hurt everyone I meet if I continue on the same path, and that she is the only one who has ever noticed this about me. She said it's because she is the only one who has ever loved me enough to want me to get help. She assumed all other relationships were shallow/sex based that nobody would care to delve that deeply when it was meaningless or casual flings. And that my wife was simply oblivious to my manipulations where my girlfriend would never be oblivious or manipulated. How is she such an expert on my psyche? She knows we are in a Covid world yet she still worries I would actually go out and have sex with another woman even during Covid. That would mean I would have to be a monster on top of being an asshole, to potentially infect her and her children, not to mention myself? Who wants or needs Covid??My girlfriend is getting treatment for her anxiety and has made great progress but she still does have bad days. But she is truly working hard. She has asked me to do my part, which she feels is talk to a psychiatrist to have me properly diagnosed, to see if I have narcissistic qualities or issues which I need help with. She feels that without me looking into my issues she will fail, as we are a team and both need to get ourselves straight. She says if she gets help but I keep perpetuating her anxiety but not getting help for myself, she cannot win, she cannot get better and this relationship will fail.I love her and I want this to work. Can you suggest anything at all that could help us? I don't know what I can do at this point. But giving us isn't an option for me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2022): OP it seems your girlfriend preferred the fantasy version of you, not the real you who is the flawed man your wife saw before her all those years. Now that she has seen the real you, the version your wife was married to, she isn’t so impressed anymore. She has finally woken up. I think however it’s to her detriment she has stayed in this situation for this long. Love can make us do stupid things.
Work on yourself. The problem isn’t the women who were unfortunate enough to be reeled in by your false and charming persona, it’s you that have no idea what love or commitment is. Or even who you really are. You don’t want to know. And when the problems creep in, your solution is to find someone else. Your girlfriend is right. You will keep repeating this same old destructive pattern of behaviour unless you have the strength and guts to look in the mirror and not keep living in denial that you are a good guy. I can see your girlfriend leaving you for someone more exciting or just leaving you because you aren’t the kind of a man she wants. She just got caught up in the affair. Don’t think for a moment that you’ve got that market cornered. She can find someone better too OP and maybe she should. And I pity you because we tend to lose what matters most because we can’t get a handle on our own issues. You can’t expect your gf to do all the work and fix this relationship if you continue philandering if that’s what you’re really up to. And I suspect that you are.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 January 2022):
 Do you hear that sound, my friend? That's the sound of your chickens coming home to roost. Regardless of how many reasons/excuses you give for the affair, the bottom line is still the same: you cheated on your wife so you are capable of cheating on ANYONE. You know and I know - and your girlfriend knows - that you should have ended your marriage before starting another relationship.
All that said, I do find it a bit rich that she puts the blame fully and squarely onto your shoulders. Assuming you didn't hide your marriage from her when you first started dating her, she obviously went along with the affair for years. You acknowledge you were weak not to end your marriage first, but she was equally as weak on her part. You are both now reaping the fruits of the weakness that led you to have the affair.
Personally I don't believe she will EVER trust you, regardless of how many psychiatrists you go to see, how much therapy you agree to or how much you try to reassure her. She will always have at the back of her mind "win them by cheating, lose them to cheating". I do find it curious that she stayed with you, and continues to stay with you, regardless of the way she rips your character to pieces.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 January 2022):
 The problem most fiction writers have is that they simply are bad at math. Go back and start by writing out a timeline. Then structure your characters details based on that timeline. With that basis fill in the affair history based on the timeline. Either the affair is much shorter than you have written, or your protagonist is much older.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): You see, sometimes we (which includes you, me, and everybody) are selfish. We hurt or betray people; and we sometimes artfully rationalize our actions to soothe our guilty conscience. I can't speak for those who are narcissists and have no conscience. That's another matter.
If you've read the posts on Dear Cupid from mistresses and cheating husbands; you'll read some pretty compelling and creative excuses, and almost persuasive justifications for their deeds. If you're gullible, these excuses are quite convincing. If you're experienced, you'll see right through them.
If your marriage or relationship isn't working, and you're certain it can't be fixed; then you must end that relationship, and go find that person you're looking for. You do not cheat first, then dump the person you're committed to in marriage. It's just as wrong, if she was just your girlfriend, but not your wife; then no vows are broken, just hearts and promises. Which is equally as painful, and just as rotten. Most cheaters don't want to be cheated on; but if you getaway with it enough times, you'll become desensitized to your guilty-conscience. You're apt to do it again. You've set a precedence for yourself; to find someone else, if you're dissatisfied with whom you're with. While simultaneously enjoying the benefits of having two for the price of one.
You started-out as an affair. More or less, you felt your wife was antisocial and boring. If she had an antisocial disorder, that's what therapy and mental-health professionals are for. You do whatever you can to save your marriage; and when all attempts fail, you get a divorce.
In order to maintain a successful affair, you have to be adept at lying and deception. Able to sneak around undetected; and lie on the spot, keeping a straight-face. You have to continue telling your wife you love her. Pretending to be true to her. You have to be unmoved by the overshadowing threat of discovery. You have to have a hardened-heart against the person you're cheating on. Though many claim they still love their wives or husbands; but apparently not enough they won't cheat on them! Their trust has no value. You have to convince the person you're cheating with that what you're doing is right; and that your wife doesn't matter. That you'd still do it; even if discovery of the affair could devastate your children.
Apparently, your former-mistress has looked back on your pass; and she has reassessed your credibility and trustworthiness. How clever you were, and how easy for you it was to just ditch your wife for another woman. What paid-off in the past, is now a debt owed to the devil.
Each and everyone of us are entitle to justice after someone has trespassed against us. Your ex-wife may be antisocial, boring, and whatever other faults you found in her; but she isn't the one who had an affair. Fate would have it, that what goes around comes around. Maybe your wife did actually love you; and she was the mother of your children. Your vows were broken to her; and she suffered for her losses. God is sympathetic to our suffering. He says we'll reap what we sow. You sowed a relationship through deception; therefore you reap distrust as the fruit of your harvest.
If the love between you is real, and strong enough; maybe over time, you'll earn her trust, and things will settle-down. Maybe they will, and maybe they won't. It's up to her.
Your ex-wife is owed justice and moral restitution for a great loss. Part of the restitution (or payback) owed to your ex-wife, is that your mistress isn't fully enjoying the prize she won through cheating. Now she feels a little of what your ex-wife had to feel; when she finally discovered you wanted another woman. That heavy rock you feel in your gut; when you realize you've loved somebody who probably never really loved you. When you discover they are capable of breaking your heart, and feeling no guilt about it. I know how it feels to be cheated-on, and dumped to be replaced by somebody else. I wish I could say I didn't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 January 2022):
 Most relationships that started out as affairs rarely work out. FOR A REASON.
Both parties know they can not trust each other any further than they can toss them.
Your GF has VERY some valid points. You cheated WITH her so you are capable of cheating ON her too. Regardless of what you say. She can not trust you. A woman who was MARRIED to you for 25 years couldn't trust you, so how can she? Really?
However, THAT is on her. SHE ALSO made the choice to get involved with a married man, when she SHOULD have stepped back. She wanted that "prize" (you) and didn't give a shit about hurting your wife and marriage to get it and now she is not happy with the said "prize" because it wasn't what she expected. She is by chance MUCH younger than you?
You can't cure a narcissist. If you are one, you can probably work on yourself to be a better version of yourself, I don't know. People just don't stop being a narcissist.
You two COULD try couples counseling and see how it goes.
Maybe get some ideas on how to build ACTUAL trust.
It seems like she is throwing out a lot of accusations and expecting you to "fix" everything, but you can't "fix" how she FEELS.
And then there is the guilt. SHE feels guilty NOW. A little late for that.
"She feels that without me looking into my issues she will fail, as we are a team and both need to get ourselves straight."
A counselor can not FIX you two either. They can perhaps guide you and give you tools to help, but whether you fail or not, that is entirely up to the two of you.
You ask what you can do, she ALREADY told you what she WANTS you to do. Talk to a psychiatrist/counselor. I presume you don't think there is really anything wrong with you so why go?
You two had a shared fantasy. Now the fantasy is over, reality is here and she doesn't like it.
You also say: "But giving us isn't an option for me."
What IF you two really aren't as good of a fit as you had hoped? What then? Stick around anyway because you feel you OWE her? Or you don't want to be seen as the bad guy after all the hurt and drama you caused?
Staying with someone who isn't a good fit/match is rarely a good idea. At least with your ex you had started out being a good match, you shared things in common, you had 25 years of history, kids together, a life, but grew apart. Why did it happen? Because both you and your ex-wife ignored the bumps in the road hoping they would go away on their own. You tried to plug some holes on the leaking ship WITHOUT telling your wife that THAT was what you were trying to do. I've been married almost as long as you were. We do things together, we do things apart. We have talked to each other when issues arose. Some we were able to fix, others not. We compromise and try and make the best out of it. It is perfect? No. No marriage or relationship is.
I have to ask,
Do you want to come back in 5 years and make more excuses as to why you have met this new woman but still with this one, and it is all HER fault why you are cheating? Again?
OP, try her suggestion for counseling or not. I don't think you two can handle reality, and she can't handle the guilt. But seeing a counselor could be a start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): I don't want to sound harsh but this really is a case of you reap what you sow.
Your girlfriend knows you are capable of cheating and well you know that so is she, that's how you got together. I think it is rich of her to accuse you of being as narcissist, she was hardly thinking of your wife, kids and gran kids and their feelings when she entered a affair with you. It's not been that long you have been a proper couple and that's a big statement to make against someone.
The fact you're reflecting on your own actions now and able to admit them would suggest you are not, but I'm not qualified to make that call and unless your girlfriend is a Doctor nor is she.
I don't think that is the foundation for any relationship how can trust ever be built from lying and cheating?
You going online, out and about and her being paranoid, is all part of that.
You did it with her, why wouldn't you do it to her?
In a nutshell she was happy to do it to your wife but she isn't happy with the reality that she's not the mistress anymore and it could happen to her.
Now you are learning after tossing aside 25years of marriage with your wife the grass really isn't greener on the other side.
Sorry but I don't see how a solid foundation can ever be built on this.
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