A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im a single mom raising my 3 year old son for last 2 years. Actually im still married to my husband but we are separated and going to be living together soon. Before and during our separation, he is always self centered. He is the type of man who feels its good if i can take care for all. He feels im annoying if i need his help even its related to my son. He did it not from his heart. I cant really talk to him or discuss anything with him because he always said its up to you, we are too different and what i think is good will always different with yours. Im so used to not discussing and talk much to him to avoid confrontation. He is impulsive if he is annoyed or has his own problem. He never initiate calls or take my son and me out for anything. He doesnt care about us. There are once he is kind and care to us, when we are going in tour with his friends, and when he wants sex with me. Thats the time he is kind to us. Some people might ask, if he has nothing good in him then why i still want to reconcile? I want my son to have a complete family in his childhood even its just a status. Actually i knew that i wont be happy with him because we arent compatible. I did fatal mistake to choose him as my husband. I didnt really knew and realise how bad it was ending with a wrong man. I thought i can change a man if he loves me. Im too naive back then.My marriage is bad due to many factors, one of that is my in laws. I was living in my in laws house and it feels like daily torture. Im not respected and treated like im their servant. Too many drama and im never stand by myself. Im told by my parent to never respond and just let it go. We are asian and its just a norm that woman treated that way back then. I reached my turning point until one day my husband dissapointed me again with a fatal mistake. I left him. He didnt ask me to go back or say sorry up until several months later ( i think he is being told to do so). Since then i live in my parents house again and raised my son alone. My husband never intiate to visit my house or want to meet my son. Its always my parent who told me to ask him to come. Lately, my son started going to school and i asked him to bring us to school because i cant drive. He eagerly do so. He drove carelessly somedays when he isnt in mood. He told me he is very busy and his parent arent happy with this. Because he is helping their business and it took his working time. I fully understand about this, but i caught him several times that he isnt going back to his house after but he is going somewhere and his family might think that i took his time too much and they arent happy about it. I knew i cant rely on him. I also cant rely on my family because my parent value son higher than daughter thats why they insist that i should go back with my husband so that everything will be alright they think. They are ashamed if their daughter is a single mom eventhough they know i wont be happy and safe with him. They think if i treated him well i can change him and its my responsibility and destiny. I know i should try, give it a last try at least i knew how is marriage life without in laws in the same roof. But if i failed, that will be a very lonely journey for my son and me. I cant drive, my dad doesnt let me learn because he thinks i will use it wrongly, like i can go anywhere whenever im not in good term with my husband. I dont understand how he wants me to depend on a man like that, thats why im not respected by his family and him because they thought im incapable of anything. Luckily i can earn enough money for savings now. As i stay at home taking care of my son i do online food business and i have savings of my own now. My husband doesnt know about this yet. I dont trust him financially because he has betrayed my trust before.I have fear and sometimes im so worry that i cant sleep at night thinking what it would be when we are living together again. Our plan is next month. Me and him is like a stranger. We dont communicate often and i think we hate each other. Im afraid if things go worse with my husband and my parent who choose my brothers than me how my life would be. It will be a very lonely life. I have friends that genuinely support me. But i need family who can stand by me too. My plan now is to keep pursuing stable income without my husband knowing how much is my income and be dependent on myself. Keep making friends and reconnect with my old friends.I need some advice and opinion about this. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): I worry for you.
I fear he will make your life torture again.
But also he may well start to 'slap you
around a bit!'
This can mean black eyes, broken jaws and teeth, scalding hot water on your body, and broken bones.
Maybe he will even drop concrete on your feet in one of his 'adult tantrums!'
Just to stop you walking out on him again.
Your parents must understand this.
You have your intelligence and your lively and smart mind.
I expect you look pretty without realising it.
No scars, no burns on your body.
Arms that can hug your little boy.
It doesn't matter that your parents prefer boys.
They are evil if they want to send you back to your dangerous ex.
Also he will think he is correct to do these nasty things because in his head he will think he is 'teaching you a lesson'.
He will also threaten your son to make you comply with him.
Finally he will take your son away from you and place him with his mother.
He will tell the police and the courts that you were no good for your son and that your parents trusted him as a good dad but didn't trust you as his mum and that's why they wanted you to go back to him and built HIM a house!
Also if you 'disappear' he will think the house is his forever
Your parents can't imagine that he could be so nasty.
But if you tell them: " No, he will do these things to me and threaten my son."
And: ' I want a divorce or I will be dead in a couple of years because he has a bad temper. He gets into moods and drives dangerously. He wants a kind of sex that I don't want. He frightens me!'
" I want a divorce FOR MY SAFETY! "
Then they will understand.
This is about your life.
And you are already started on the business idea and saving money.
You can offer to take a loan from a bank or from them !
They will see that you are serious.
But don't go back to him.
Your dad can rent the house out to working professionals or students and he will get money back from the house.
You must be brave now.
You must tell them.. " my marriage is over but i love my son... "
Also your exhusband will hit your son with bamboo just to make you cry and your son will be hurt if your husband has a nasty mood.
It won't hurt your parents to let you stay with them.
It won't hurt your son.
It won't hurt your ex.
It will protect you and be safer for you all.
You must be strong.
You can be strong enough to refuse to go.
Your parents think they are being kind but they don't know the personality of your ex in the same way as you do.
It is better to be alive and working online than to wish to be dead because you have nowhere to go.
It is better to stay safe than to be locked in a house waiting for a moment to escape.
Eventually your mum and your dad will understand that you mean it and they will be glad to set you free from that vain man.
If you show any signs of : ok maybe I will go and try to be safe and have a secret business and phone you every day!
Then they will think you are not serious enough to divorce.
They will believe that they can persuade you to Stay with him.
They will say: You chose him and he is your husband and the father of your child! Maybe his mother made the problems. Maybe his is not bad!
So you have to tell them: I will not be safe with him.
He has a dangerous mind and a bad character.
My son will not be safe.
We may disappear. Your kindness will be used against you by this man.
Here, I am safe!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): Divorce him!
"I want my son to have a complete family in his childhood even its just a status."
Your are so wrong in thinking this.
You will not only give your child a wrong example, he will suffer too! No child is happy in a bad marriage.
I'm a child who gre up without a father. My mother undesrtood early own that he was a narcissist and that I would be better off without him. And I was. My older half-siblings weren't so lucky. My father went back to his ex-wife. Their life was hell. Both my half-sister and half-brother have terrible issues and they both married demanding and abusive partners. I on the other hand, married someone like my mother - kind and supportive, because that is the only pattern I had in my life.
Be independant and take care of yourself and your child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2022): Lonely ? Better alone than in bad company, the proverb says. And no, you do not need family when your relatives are toxic .I remember your story well from your previous post and, alas, it is undeniable that your husband and in -laws are toxic for you .As for your parents, I am sure they love you in their own way, and, in their own way they want to protect you, but clearly they care much more about tradition and "what people will say " and not making scandals etc. rather than about your present and future happiness and well being. You know what you should do, but you won't do it - because you are a stubborn type. You will ask for advice again and again and again, then you won't do anything of what you have been advised. Even knowing that, ...of course the advice would to not reunite with your husband. Come on, you know he does not love you, and you know all the times he has stolen from you, cheated on you and lied to you. As a matter of fact, I think that probably if he had this idea of getting back with you, it's quite possibly because of his recurring money troubles and work problems, and he counts on you to give him money. And is this the kind of man you want your child to grow up with and take as his model ? ( ..if your husband will bother to stay home a little and interact with this child, which he never bothered doing before). You have your online business, you can support yourself and your child, if you want you could move out and learn to drive and do whatever you want. If you don't do that , it is your choice, there is nothing really preventing you from being a *happy*, serene, independent single (for the moment) mother. You may feel lonely at times, perhaps. You felt very lonely, I remember, also when you lived with this husband who did not want to spend time with you nor make love to you, and who was always out and about drinking with his buddies. It is the same loneliness- but at least it would cost you less moneywise, considering all the times you had to cover his ass due to his stupid money mistakes !
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