A
female
age
30-35,
*ujubie
writes:I met this guy and he is amazing. We have gone on three dates and quite frankly I feel very comfortable with him. But we have one MAJOR problem. His ex gf. They dated for 5 years and broke up a month ago(he broke up with her but she's not over it). That's why he and I weren't anything official yet or anything and I was trying my best to not pressure him into anything. So we were at dinner last night and she called him three times and texted him four times. He decided to call her back because he was worried that she wrecked her car or something. The car is in his name. So this started to paint a bigger picture for me. He owns the car, both their names are on the lease, they have bills together and for all intents and purposes were basically married. So we decided to get a bit of space. He told me he wasn't ready for what we are. And I honestly just want to know what I can do to keep him in my life without pressuring him into any situation he doesn't want to be in. I already have a strong connection with him so I need some help on how to respond to our problem.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 August 2012):
 I think what you want is not really "friendship". What you want is to be around him in case he realizes that there is a decent girl RIGHT THERE waiting for him. That is not friendship. So you have to be honest. With yourself and with him.
IF you can hang around him and not invest too much of yourself, your heart and emotions, then maybe it can be a good thing.
But in reality, I don't think being "friends" with someone you are obviously interested in romantically, while he is dealing with a bad break up. It might be GRAND for him, because he has a shoulder to cry on (so to speak) but you might not really get a lot out of this.
And honestly, with all his involvement with the ex I don't know how easy or even comfortable it would be.
Truth be told I can see him not wanting a relationship any time in the near future. Look at how his life is still so entwined with his ex.
Be honest, WHAT do you want out of being around him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): I'm not trying to be rude OP, just stating an opinion. Just because it's not what you want to hear in your romantic haze doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Look I know you're going to disregard and ignore my advice because it's not what you want to hear but I'll give it anyway.
"Do you think that being his friend with the possibility of something down the road is a good or bad idea."
Yeah, I think that's a bad idea. Not because I'm against love, not because I want you to be unhappy or miss out on a great opportunity but because I've seen this happen a million times before and endured it myself it rarely works out well.
"And really I was looking for advice on how to be a good friend to him."
Really? Do you not know how to be a good friend to people OP? I mean if you do then why ask? If he's just going to be a friend then you treat him like any other friend, the fact you think you need to treat him differently means he's already more special to you and you already called him amazing. That's not a friendship OP because you have feelings for this guy and want him.
"I think the best relationships are those that start with a real friendship."
Exactly OP, they do, but having romantic feelings for someone and being their friend in the hope that in the future he'll be ready to whisk you off into the sunset is not a real friendship OP. If you want to convince yourself that you'll be perfectly happy only ever being friends then fine, if you want to take the risk that you get ever closer to this guy and keep letting your feelings develop for him only for him to turn around tell you he only ever wants to be friends in a few months to a year then fine go ahead, if you want to take the risk of spending 6 months to a year investing yourself mentally and emotionally in a guy who is not actually interested in you then that is your choice.
I could be wrong and this could end up exactly like the movies but in my experience it doesn't.
You become friendzoned, you become too important as a friend that he relies on to ruin it with a relationship and then you get to have your heart crushed watching him get with other women.
At the end of the day the choice is yours, everyone is a risk and there are no guarantees of love with anyone, but a person on a rebound is exceptionally risky, as in 99% not going to work out. Their feelings for you aren't real, their affection is not real because it's all just a fallout from their last relationship.
Whatever you decide be careful, this guy is nowhere near emotionally ready and probably won't for a long time. The balance between romance and becoming too important a friend for him to risk getting with is very fine.
There are a lot of factors you need to consider here OP but most importantly you have to ensure you protect yourself as best as possible because trust me, 6 months of a crush on person you hope may be interested in you in the future is a kick in the teeth when you find out they aren't that's a long time to waste on a person who you can't have.
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A
female
reader, Jujubie +, writes (13 August 2012):
Jujubie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you ladies. Not so much cerberus... We decided to take it day by day. And really I was looking for advice on how to be a good friend to him. I know that he's not ready for a relationship but all of his friends are her friends. As you can imagine it gets hard to talk about things that are on your mind when in that situation. And Cerberus I think you are being rude. These dates have been split up over a few weeks and I knew him before that for a bit as well... I also didn't expect us to go straight into a relationship anyways. I think the best relationships are those that start with a real friendship. So here's my new question. Do you think that being his friend with the possibility of something down the road is a good or bad idea. I suppose I will need to find peace with that myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): OP if you think that 1 month is enough to get over a relationship of 5 years then you're sorely mistaken. Psychologists say it takes a minimum of 6 months to move on from one and it can take years in some circumstances.
You were just a rebound OP, it happens it sucks but you're really not going to get what you want here and you're only going to get hurt if you keep trying.
Move on, you can't win this one.
OP you need to snap out of this you sound so completely desperate and needy. 3 dates and this guy is the most amazing guy ever? Not a hope, you don't even know him and now you're talking about it in terms of "our" problem?
Take this is a lesson learned OP, no guy is amazing after only 3 dates to the point where you should sacrifice your happiness to "make it work", it's only been 3 dates what's to make work?
Never go near a guy on the rebound most will use you and throw you away like this guy has. Because whether you choose to believe it or not has he has ended this.
"So we decided to get a bit of space. He told me he wasn't ready for what we are."
That means he has ended it OP, I don't know what you think it means but that's a very clear goodbye.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2012):
 I agree with HoneyPie.
if he still calls her back
if he still worries about her
and especially because they still share joint fiances, I'd be wary to get involved just yet.
He's not done with her emotionally... he needs more time.
I'd not try to progress the relationship beyond friendship at this point.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 August 2012):
Honestly, as nice as this guy seems he is FAR from ready to date.
I would end whatever it is you have and move on. No one (IMHO) gets over another person in a months, not after 5 years together. The fact that he was worried enough to call her back (he might have said ti was the car he was worried about, but I don't buy it, they have insurance on it I assume).
And the whole shared economy still... yea, so not over.
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