A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:I really want to work on my sexual relationship with my partner of 2 years. I love him deeply but I feel a lot is lacking in the sexual side of our relationship. After the initial 'honeymoon' phase, he began rejecting my advances and then I became hurt by this as I felt I was the only one who wanted a sexual relationship. After a while this has made me not want sex with him. But I know this is not good because sex is the glue that holds lovers together. A good sex life is very important to me. I have always dreamed of having the kind of relationship where we can be completely sexually open with each other. Where you can share and explore sexual fantasies and desires and where you can grow and explore sexuality with each other. That's what i thought would happen in a long term relationship. But in this one, although this has happened to a degree, it's happened very slowly and it seems to be getting worse.I am just worried, because I love this man very much. I feel deeply conneceted to him and really hope to be with him for a long time. But I have been going through times of feeling resentment for the lack of sex and his lack of desire to work on this and please me.An exaple of his attitude; he has said that he prefers masturbation because he doesn't have to please anyone. Also he will typically want sex between once a fornight and once every 5 days, and I often feel he only has it to keep me happy and he has said sometimes he only initiates sex because he thinks I'll want it. Quite often when we do have sex, after a kiss and a cuddle, he will either climb on top or pull me on top and he will climax quite quickly and then it is over in 5 mins. So I am left half cooked. I have suggested he pleasure me if he doesnt want sex and he says he has to be in the mood for sex to want to do this, so he wont even pleasure me if he doesn't want sex.This has really affected my self esteem. I don't think he understands that I dont want him to sleep with me to 'keep me happy', I want and need for him to desire me sexually, otherwise, in my opinion, we are not really full lovers. And I cannot bear that. I know if this goes on without a change, that I will have to leave him, to save my self love. I need to be a sexual being.I have been trying to solve this with the most logical head I can. I am sure the problem is something that has happened between us to put him off sex with me. I think maybe its because I am not ver good at expleining what I want in bed because I had not had an orgasm with anyone before so I didn't know what worked for me so I wasn't able to help him please me, although I always loved sex and an orgasm wasnt important to me in any way. Because I was never able to have an orgasm with him, this has made him feel bad about sex with me and now he avoids it maybe. But now I dont know how to change this as if I try to ask for what I want in bed, he acts like I'm being demanding. If I say, 'can you finger me?' or can you do it harder, sometimes he says 'youre so demanding' but I dont know how else to communicate what I want him to do.He tells me of the wild sex he has had in the past, and although he is older now, he is not old.I just dont know what to do. I was horney thinking about him before and I was thinking, I'd love to be able to tell him that in a cheeky text, but I'd be afraid he'd react like I'm being rude and unnessasary. But he used to send me those kind of texts, so I know something has changed things bewteen is. I just dont know how to be rational about this when I talk to him, so I can help him see my point of view. I know he wants us to work, but I think the sex issue is a problem he wants to avoid and hopes will go away, but it will only get worse if we cannot crack it. I know there is strong desrie between us, I just dont't know where its gone :(
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (6 May 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi!
Thanks for the replies guys.
Brunel, I am currently removed from the situ, as I am away for a couple of weeks for my studies. So I am having time for myself and to think things over. Im not laughing at the idea to see a counsellor, I just know, that the type of person he is, he would absolutly not go for that. And I hope we can work through it together.
I know he does want this to work, and he has said he believes we can work through sexual problems. So I know deep down he's not selfish, just sometimes he is and he is a bit lazy. He is comfotable with his routine of masturbation and porn when I go away, and before he met me. So its hard for him to get into a good sexual routine and to work on our sexual problems. Its just easier for him to say he's too tired and for him to hope that if he puts it off enough and that sleeping with me once a week ish will keep me happy so he wont have to make too much of an effort.
Now I feel I am maybe being unkind. Sometimes we have had mindblowing sex and sometimes he is really into me, its just that these times can become few and far between and I feel that as we are apart for weeks sometimes, for my studies, that we should make the most of the time we do have together, whereas for him, he acts as if I havn't been away in the bedroom. Still once a week.
Female anon, I do feel that there is some fault on my side because I know the way I feel puts pressure on him to perform, which doesn't help. And I do nag him about it, and get upset about his lack of desire for me sometimes, and I know I've expressed these feelings the wrong way. Which has pushed him away and made him less sexually attracted to me. I just dont know how to express what I need in a helpful way, that doesn't make him feel bad and attacked.
He gets stressed from his work, he works hard. We dont have kids. I know he feels I dont understand how hard he works and how this tires him out. But I also know that he spends a lot of time and energy playing computer games on his time off and that he could save some of that energy for me at the weekends.
When I see him next it will be for a few months so hopefully we will be able towork through things together. I know we both want this to work so I just have to try and make him see that this is important to me and that he will lose me if he isn't willing to work on our intimacy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): I'm with brunel on this.. he sounds selfish.Love and intimacy are difficult things to get right, but if there is a will there is a way. If he has no will to sort this out then he doesn't deserve a relationship. All you can do is speak your truth to him and own the bit of the breakdown which is your fault.Making love is the bit of a marriage which makes all of the other stuff melt away, but good intimacy doesn't stop at the bedroom door. Tell him how rejected it makes you feel, tell him how much you desire him, ask him what it is that makes him not want you. If he is masturbating lots then is he using pornography? If he is then he is being lazy and exploitative.On your side have you made him resent you? do you nag? are either of you very unfit or overweight (not that it isn't sexy but is makes exercise hard!!)Is he stressed, do you have kids?? I agree that sexual therapy sounds like a good idea. Find out if he cares enough to try...and don't be proud and be honest. You can make it better.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 Well, it's very hard to find the "perfect match," and many men are very selfish about intimacy. Giving - is a difficult concept for some men.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (6 May 2010):
Poor Betty this has the makings of a mess and I loved your pun 'glue' quite!There is a lot wrong in your relationship so soon I fear and I will not have you losing confidence over this as you attractive and intelligent, caring and loyal otherwise you would not put yourself at the mercy of us lot.He is immature, worse still by your infomation he is a 'wanker', he is trearing you badly and controlling you, this is goner hurt but you need to take control today. Can you go and stay with a friend / parents for a week and remove yourself from him and come to terms with your relationship. It would at least or should get a response from him. Either way you must tell him today how unhappy you are and that you doubt your future together with him. Most guys would love to have a text saying what you imply. I would mind at 58 it would be nice to a text from anyone? Could you both book up with relate and see a counsellor I know your laughing at me now? From where I see this this relationship if unchecked is as good as over and you are already hurting and you will be hurt even more?
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