A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and we went out last night for a couple of drinks ans we started talking about stuff. He said that his ex was texting him on his birthday (two months ago) and they were both saying that they should meet up for a coffee. He then said that he feels that he really needs to meet up with her for a reason he never explained.I felt upset because he hadn't told me before this, it took him a few drinks to tell me and I'm not comfortable with him meeting her. I asked does he think she still has feelings for him and his reply was 'Why are you asking me that?! She's been with her boyfriend for a while now I think.' But I was thinking at that point that's not what I asked...I haven't made it specifically clear that I am uncomfortable with it. He hates jealous, paranoid girls (which was apparently what this ex was...) and I'm not one of those girls but I feel if I say I'm uncomfortable with it that he'll think I am one of those girls ( and to be honest I'm starting to feel like it now with the situation!) and it will develop into a fight.He has a lot of female friend's and it's never been an issue, I know a lot of them and I'm good friends with some of them. I trust him 100%... but this does not sit right with me... Something feels wrong. She's been an ex for over two years and they apparently had a bad relationship. He often talks about her and their relationship. and some of what he said last night was personal about them and it hurt. I really don't know what to do. I love him so much and I hate feeling this way. I have a bad feeling about it :/ Any help would be appreciated :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): If he is still talking about someone he parted from 2 years ago. Then he is not over her yet. Having contact with her and not telling you was wrong of him. They are both showing interest in each other. Her by contacting him and suggesting they meet up. Him by agreeing.
Telling you he 'really needs' to see her but not giving you a reason is shady. You are not paranoid, so don't let him lay that one on you! You are concerned. There is a huge difference between a mental illness and being worried because your boyfriend suddenly 'really needs' to see a girl he should have been over a long time ago.
It sounds as if you might be in a rebound relationship!
If i were you. I'd explain that I'm not happy about a meeting and don't see the point in them going over old ground but he should go if it is his wish.
If your boyfriend truly cares about you and doesn't want to compromise your relationship, he will chose not to go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): If you're normally not someone who is jealous of your boyfriend spending time with other girls, but this doesn't set right with you, you might be onto something.
I think you should let them meet -- but just this once. Talk to your boyfriend before he goes. Tell him you understand that he values her as a part of his past, someone who helped make him who he is now, but it does seem a bit strange to you to be meeting up with her (particularly if you're someone who is indifferent toward your exes or doesn't want to associate with them anymore at all). Let them meet, but if it's something that seems to keep happening, that's a true red flag. An innocent meeting for coffee in a public place doesn't seem to have any sinister undertones, but maybe you could make plans with your boyfriend immediately following his coffee time with his ex -- give them 45 minutes or so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): when they do the "why are you so paranoid?" or "why are you asking me that?" they are playing a game with you. Dump him like a hot potato. yes he still has feelings for her if he wants to meet up with her. Demand respect. You are not the back up plan waiting in the wing. respect yourself!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 I don't often disagree with chigirl, as she gives excellent advice. However, I think you shouldn't let them meet, especially if his response to "do you still have feelings" is "why are you asking me that?"
As for whether he thinks you are "that kind of girl" who is paranoid, I say big hairy deal. You do not have to compensate for the transgressions of his former girlfriends, and you do not have to forfeit your right to have a say in what kind of contact with his exes you're comfortable with.
He still has feelings about her, and it's NOT unreasonable to expect that being with you means that he does not reconnect with an ex or anyone else with a prior sexual history. He was okay for asking you, but you saying "I'm not comfortable with it" should be enough to end the conversation.
The other thing is - he often talks about her and their relationship. Uhh...why? If she's an ex, then she's an ex. You didn't get into a relationship with him and the baggage of his ex, and if he blanches at your request for no contact, then he's not over her, and your relationship is doomed.
It's not controlling, jealous or paranoid. He's with you now, and only you.
Here's a true test! Why not the four of you meet - him, you, his ex, and her new boyfriend? I bet her boyfriend isn't too happy on her meeting up with an ex. heh. Her having a boyfriend doesn't mean she still doesn't have feelings, and the same goes for your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 He often talks about her?
Tell him that it makes you insecure and unsure when he constantly brings up his ex. Feelings are feelings, even if they are negative feelings. Your boyfriend having feelings for an ex isn't comforting, it's making anyone nervous. The opposite to having feelings for an ex isn't to hate them you know, hate is a feeling too. Same with still being sad about what happened. Indifference is the true opposite to feelings. If he often talks about her that could show he isn't indifferent towards her.
Then again... some people have different values. He could be one of those who wants to "cherish the memory" and respect their previous partners to sort of show that what they had was real and not a waste, or whatever. I'm not that type so I don't quite understand how it works, but I know some people genuinely are like that, without a hidden agenda.
If he hasn't talked to her in a long time... as in not seen her or spoken to her face, then this could be a "closure" thing. Maybe they're both finally ready to let go of whatever bad happened between them, so they can move on to the state of actually being indifferent towards each other. Some times you want to say sorry for something you did, and it takes you years to get to that point. Or you think of the friendship you had with the person, and if you genuinely cared for them you will still wish them well, and have a friendly conversation just to see how they are doing, and then move on with your life.
Let them meet. Don't say a word about it, or about your insecurity. Let them meet, and then see how it goes.
Also remember... even if it is an ex of his, and you are his girlfriend, this is between him and her. Its about their shared past, and you aren't included in it. It could be he doesn't want to involve you any more than necessary, and he is not under law to report back to you about whatever goes on. Trust him to make his own decisions and do what is best for your relationship at the same time as he does what is best for himself, with his own judgment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): You're not one of those jealous girls, how you feel about this is perfectly normal. Most women would be concerned.Did they remain friends after the break up? like were they still in contact? If so it could just be a friendly meeting, but if she only came back in contact with him lately, I would say she's after something. Her relationship is irrelevant, how does your bf know she is happy in her relationship? Just because she is in a relationship doesnt mean she cant develop feelings for anybody else.Maybe your bf is naive to what could be this girls intentions. However I really do think you should say that you are concerned its not that you dont trust him, but you don't really know this girls intentions as to why she wants meet up and why she's back in his life after 2yrs (she was obviously thinking of him on him birthday,a whole 2yrs later).Most people can see your concerns, just stay calm and talk to your bf, dont be confrontational about it though. If he still refuses to see your point in all this then I would start to question whether he actually does want something to happen with this girl. This would be totally different if they remained in regular contact as friends after the split, but to just spring onto the scene after 2yrs is odd in my opinion.Maybe you could suggest you, your bf, this girl and a group of friends meet out one night in a pub, that way its not just the two of them and he still gets to meet her for what ever reason he said. Im sorry to say this though, but if it turns out that he has feelings for her, there will be nothing you can do to change things and my advice would be to walk away, with some grace and dignity as you would have giving him the benefit of the doubt by allowing him to meet her.I hope everything works out for you bothGood Luck.x
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Unfortunately this is a fairly common situation. I think your boyfriend needs to understand your fears and concerns, as he should be placing you #1 in his life (if he is serious about you).
I think you let him go to his meeting, especially if you trust him. However, make sure you that you have an open line of communication about it. After all, you are rightfully concerned about losing him -- let's face it, embers can turn into flames if they are stoked.
I suppose he kept it secret because he knew that this is a "gray area" in the dating world and that it would upset you. He should be doing whatever it takes to reinforce that you are #1 and this his ex will remain in the past. Voice your concerns with him, and be confident that he is wife you, but definitely keep an eye on the situation.
Best wishes.
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