A
male
age
41-50,
*ocal0
writes:My girlfriend and I are having intimacy problems. We've been together for 5 years. It seems to me like things fizzled very early in our relationship. She is perfect in so many ways, but this is killing me. She's 28 and I'm 30. which means its almost time for the next step, but I'm having doubts. Most the time when we do have sex, she will say something hurtful like "I'm doing this for you." Which is really a turn off but I seem to just go through with it anyway, going through the motions with absolutely no intimacy. It's awful, but I'd rather have the penis massage then nothing at all.We haven't really talked about it, I almost don't even want to because i know her controlling and stubborn nature.I made a mistake last Week.... twice. I slept with another woman and it was so amazing. I didn't even feel guilty because i haven't had that sort of intimacy in 3 years it seems. This is the only time I've ever cheated on her or anyone. Why don't i feel guilty?Honestly i want to make it work. We have so much time invested, but i feel this relationship is too far gone.I know she would be devastated if i left her and I don't want to hurt her. i Love her. Should i do us both a favor and leave or is my mind confused because of my transgressions? Am i comparing her to someone that's a fantasy? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): No guilt? It means that deep down a large part of you feels that you were justified in doing what you did. So that means a large part of you feels your GF has not been doing her share to have the sex & intimacy (which are two different things) that you feel you deserve.
It sounds like you finally reached the breaking point and you dealt with it in an inappropriate way. The right thing to do was break up with your GF before you cheated of course. Now I think you need to decide what you want to do with your GF.
Ideally you would confess to cheating, tell her what you believe drove you to it (without implying that your cheating was justified), and ask her if she wants to take you back or not.
Realistically it would probably be a better idea to just tell her it's over and move on. She deserves a chance to know what happened and try to fix things but I don't think this is the kind of problem that is fixable. The cheating can be worked through but probably not what drove you to it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): "i'm doing this for you"
i am married for almost 20 years. there are many many times where i have sex with my hb where i did it just for him. yep!!! sometimes i am not in the mood and i know that he wants it.........and vice versa
so it is not as uncommon as you may think.
many couples go through dips in their sex lives. some are more horny than others BUT in the end it boils down to bloody communication!!!!!!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): bottom line: you KNOW u will not remain faithful, she will NOT be your last cheating experience. dont fool yourself: this cheating episodes DID NOT JUST HAPPEN. you wanted it to happen and u went out and cheated. it was a deliberate act on your part.you have disinvested in your long term relationship a long time ago. there have always been 3 people involved: as u say you wanted this a long time ago with this other woman, so basically 3 people never ever works out.yes, i agree- time to let your gf of 5 years go - after all if u wanted out all these years you could have but you chose to be selfish and you cheated instead.all your issues in your relationship - your gf is not only to blame. you need to also take the blame for NOT MEETING HER NEEDS. i am soooo glad you both do not have kids together. this would have made your lives more of a nightmare.you need to break it off with your gf asap. she actually deserves better. maybe she needs a man who will communicate more and a man who will not cheat on her. you need a woman who will produce the sex without any inhibitians.dont expect to have a meaningful relationship with your new sex buddy. it is not going to happen. after a while you will realise that the sex without anything else is meaningless and actually an empty relationship.the reason why u have no remorse/ no gulit feelings: because you do not love your gf. you were always interested in this other woman therefore u did not give your relationship your all.good luck. so when do you break it off with your gf????
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (21 July 2011):
You should not already be in a sexless relationship before marriage.
You don't feel guilty because you know you are entitled to love and passion and affection. You may be "dead" emotionally when it comes to her.
I would take a break. It seems you both need a wake up call - apart from each other.
You say she will be so hurt if you break up, but will she?? With statements like "i'm doing this for you" - it seems like maybe she is looking for an out too?!
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A
male
reader, socal0 +, writes (21 July 2011):
socal0 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouWish,
the girl I "used" knows exactly my situation, she knows about my girlfriend. her and i have had so much curiosity about each other for years and we been able to suppress it. We went out one night for a couple drinks after work and it just happened. all this time my girlfriend has made me feel sexually inadequate and this girl made me feel like a king. This is the first girlfriend i feel like I haven't been able to please sexually so in some respect it was nice to feel enjoyed. i do feel bad.... just not guilty. I almost feel like my gf is depriving me of my sexual peak in life. BTW no kids. I'm not a complete asshole, I have been monogamous with every other girl i've dated and this girl for 5 plus years. I think i just had it with feeling unwanted sexually
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): You don't feel guilty because you don't actually love your girlfriend. The guilt that comes with cheating happens when the cheater cares that what he's (or she's) done is disrespectful to his (or her) partner. For her sake, you need to break up with her and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, confusedguy777  +, writes (21 July 2011):
you honestly sound like you not only have issues with sex but also with communication which is probably why your relationship has survived that long because you dont talk about your issues. there is no excuse for cheating under any circumstances and the reason you dont feel guilt is because you dont really love her. end the relationship and get on with your lives, dont waste anymore time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2011):
 That's a good question. Why don't you feel guilty? Make no mistake, cheating is a completely unjustifiable act, no matter what the circumstances. If your girlfriend of 5 years is mistreating you in the intimacy department, the proper way to handle it is to be direct with her and tell her how her actions have made you feel. Tell her you can't exist in a relationship without a healthy sex life. Tell her that just like connecting emotionally and romantically with her fulfills her needs, passionate intimate sex fills yours.
Then, if you two realize that you both are simply not compatible as lovers and she makes no effort to meet you halfway, then you two part ways. That's all there is to it.
However, what you did is cheat and betray and devastate your girlfriend. How would you have felt if your girlfriend, not being satisfied with you for whatever reason (sexual performance, lack of emotional intimacy, lack of communication, general stress, pick an excuse) went out and had wild passionate sex with another man twice? It would have been better if she'd simply said "We're not working out" and set you both free. Now, she's assuming that you both are working on a life together while you're going out and betraying her.
What about the woman you used? Did you go to bed with her under false pretenses? Does she know you wanted to use her yet still work things out with your girlfriend? I'm guessing not, and I'm thinking all the promises and endearments you made to her sound a bit more flowery.
Do you have kids? If so, they're an enormous draw on energy. Both of you have to work hard to get away from responsibility to make good intimacy last. If you do have kids, your wife probably has job demands, kid demands, household demands and sex with you seems like yet another demand. Not a good place to get to, but maintaining intimacy takes much more than you just getting mad because she's not up like a sex kitten whenever.
I would be more sympathetic with you, yet you went beyond the "I cheated on her" action and you actually aren't guilty about it. I hope to god you do not have kids with her. Seriously.
Your mind isn't confused at all, and you have utterly forfeited your bid for making it work with your girlfriend, because every single day now is a lie with her, because she thinks you're faithful, and now you have permanently destroyed trust. She *will* find out. It's not a matter of "if"....it's a matter of "when".
Do both of you a favor and end it with her. Learn from this failure and do the right thing next time you're in a relationship, because every single one of them will eventually take work, be it sex, or romance, or financially, or communication. You have to have the staying power to move beyond the "stale" phases of a relationship in order to have longevity. Something tells me that as time goes on and after you leave her, you'll realize truly what you've just lost, especially if she is as perfect as you say she is.
However, set her free to be with a man who will love and treasure her and cultivate and ignite intimacy in her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): You don't sound happy and that is a warning sign, I think you need to give your girlfriend a chance and explain your feelings...give her the opportunity to make changes.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (20 July 2011):
 If she doesn't enjoy being intimate with you, then you should leave. Intimacy is important both physically and emotionally and it's really rude to say those things while you're getting intimate. I think you don't feel guilty because you're just not satisfied with the relationship. If you really love her, then tell her what you did and how you feel. You have doubts and this is making you unhappy and you deserve to be happy. Even though you shouldn't have cheated, it wouldn't have happened had you both been communicating. Tell her how you feel and make her open up about it. You can then decide if you want to make things work. This is a big problem that can't go unaddressed forever so if you decide to stay with her, be as open as possible and maybe try some couples counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): You say your girl is almost perfect but then mention her stubborn nature. I think if you had the courage to talk to her about certain subjects you'd be in a much better position and maybe things would have turned out differently. If you're afraid to rock the boat then I'm afraid that won't be good for you over the next 40 years. We all have to respectfully bring up difficult subjects during our time with our partners. I've had to have many difficult conversations with my partner and it wasn't easy and he didn't always respond well. The problems did get helped overnight but did in the long run to an extent. Maybe that's the lesson here because I doubt you guys have the communication skills to make it in the long run and cheating pretty much closed the door on the trust you'll need! I'm sorry to hear you were lacking intimacy as we all want that but I'd vote you leave the relationship because relationships need more than love and certain good qualities. Besides she will lose trust when she finds out. Women are faster and smarter than you'll ever believe!! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): A life without sex is really not fair on you. I can say with 99.9 per cent certainty that if you don't leave her now, you will after you have been married a while. Up to you.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Why are you having doubts? Do you feel you need to play the field some more? Perhaps you are still young and the grass is greener on the other side and its too early for you to settleDude an intimate relationship is all about COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISEBy just going through the motions of what you think a relationship should b regardles of needs not being met is a recipe for disasterIf her controlling and stuborness is a no no for you..WHY SETTLEBe the man,tell her she is turning you off sexuallyOk you cheated! Why dont you feel guilty is anybodys guess. Perhaps you no longer really love her and know deep down that she isnt right for youI honestly think you have to style up and talk to her regardless of her off turning behavioursThis will help you properly gauge whether you have a future with this woman or notLearning about the differences and dynamics of male-female communication is the key to most succesful relationships and without which most men continue to repeat the same cycles that lead to relationshp deterioration frm one partner to the nextYou may not want to hurt her but by not communicating your unhappines n unsatisfaction you ALREADY ARE HURTING HER as you arent giving yourself to her fully and engaging her or yourself in the type of intimacy your relationship deservesSO GET UP N DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Unless you can see yourself putting up with a relationship/marriage where sex will die out completely and you live sexless for the rest of your life, you should leave now.
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