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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I'm looking for some advice for first-time sex. I'm 25 and engaged, and I'm a virgin, and plan to be until my wedding night. Same for my finace. Now, we both know that sex will hurt me at first, though I'm not overly worried because I trust him to be gentle. He's worried - maybe more than me! - because he absolutely hates the idea of hurting me in any way. He apologizes multiple times for bumping me and startling an "ow" out of me, even if I tell him it didn't really hurt! So anyway, does anyone have some advice on how to keep the pain to a minimum, for both our sakes? Lol. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): you wont know that it will hurt you first time or not. it didnt for me. i suggest foreplay beforehand to greaten the experience and to aid arousal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): *Kama Sutra
sorry, typo, but important to get it right!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Warm ups... fingering for months before? Really, unless you put something else thats rather thick and long inside you (and thus take your own virginity which would not be so ideal) it could hurt. Some women dont hurt. Others do. Just realize that chances are high the first time (since you are both virgins) will NOT be good. It can be a great intimate moment and fatastic that way, but as far as orgasm and sexual pleasure, it wont happen. Take some pressure out of both of you and perhaps not go all the way on the wedding night? Have you seen each other naked before? Maybe just cuddle, explore each others bodies, and give him a hand job first. And then him fingering you. Sex has many different "steps" and if you havent been through the basics, going to step 5 right away can be too much at once, and also not be a good experience.Nothing wrong with waiting until you are both ready! That means, if you havent even seen the man naked before OR had any sexual activity before whatsoever, doing step one could be enough on the first night: kiss him all over his body, get to know him, touch him, and show him how to touch you. Second step: giving each others orgasms or please each other, hand jobs, fingering, blow jobs etc. Then after all of this is nice and comfortable, go for intercourse. And stay to one position or two at most... Experimenting with the Kama Surta is NOT for virgins!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): i would suggest what some of the others have suggested too - don't just jump each other on your wedding night. Take time to become familar and comfortable with each other - days, weeks, months even. Savage Garden wrote in their song affirmation - "I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed", so just cos you got hitched doesn't mean you have to have sex right away as a marriage is so much more than sharing a bed. I think we all get carried away with the idea of the wedding night and honeymoon but to be honest, i'd rather not sleep with someone just because we are "supposed" to consummated it. Plus, i never was one to like the idea of everyone else knowing precisely when i lost my viginity - hence the reason i was sneeky about mine.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 December 2009):
you have already received good advice, I just wanted to congratulate you on your self-control in this porno age where we have 13 year old girls posting here about how they are tired of being virgins; or worse: they want sex tips to enhance what they are already doing. My advice perhaps would be for you to climax first before sex. That will ensure you are sufficiently lubricated to prevent pain and soreness. Enjoy, congratulations.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 In my opinion, you are overly apprehensive about this idea of pain. At your age, you may not feel any pain at all, or very little.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (10 December 2009):
Say, you two sound very familiar!
The article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) is excellent! Probably a must-read for you and your guy.
Both of you probably know that many women experience no discomfort at all the first time they have sex. As a guy, I was totally surprised that the initial insertion of my first time hurt ME - I had NO IDEA of how to position myself in the correct location and proper angle, and painfully jammed myself against her, someplace "down there".
I hope that before you two try intercourse you spend some time - a few days, to several months - getting acquainted with each other's bodies and sexual responses. I think a key element to minimizing the discomfort is that BOTH of you should have an orgasm just before attempting insertion. For you, that will guarantee that you're as relaxed, open, and lubricated as you'll ever be. For him, it will help him have as much patience and control as he's capable of in that situation. It will also help him last a little longer inside you - I think the average for a virgin guy is about 15 seconds, and a bit less if his partner is also virginal. (I wish that advice had been impressed on me!)
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Another thing we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
I hope you can come back here and tell us how it went. You can be a REAL HELP to others in your situation by relating your experience, as best you feel comfortable with. Let them know what advice was most useful, what was way off-base, and what you wish somebody had told you.
And may you enjoy a long and fulfilling marriage!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Well your 25... so exams, riding horses, playing with adult toys, his playing with you, etc... would all stretch things a little. And some people don't experience pain the first time. I would say the main thing is foreplay! Make sure you are lubricated enough. Use extra lube if that would make you more comfortable. Usually for first time sex, it's easier for the woman in the missionary position. Because you will be able to relax your muscles more. Best of luck for your marriage!!
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