A
female
age
,
*astet
writes:I have been in a relationship for three and a half years now. My man was a very moody person, but I, being passive, could usually take it. Like every other couple, we had our ups and downs.A year ago as I went to use his computer, I saw that he had been on dating sites, chatting with all these women. I gently confronted him with it, and though he tried to deny it at first, confessed to what he had done, that checking out other was not right (even though we both know that we had so much in every way and I was his dream woman with my two children whom he adored), and that he would never do this again. Two weekends ago, while he was gone for a week and I watched his house (we have always spent our weekends, holidays and summers together, as I am on a Disability, and should I had moved in with him, as he wanted, I would have lost my benefits, and cannot work), it happened again. I had just arrived at his house (he was already gone), and being the proverbial absent minded professor, had left his email open. The computer screen was black, as it normally is when you don't use it, and when I went to sit down to check my emails, HIS email page came up. But it was not his usual email provider... it was another site. What I saw there made me run to the bathroom to be sick. Since September, he had been collecting porn (images and videos), and was very very active in these 'sex sites'... the ones where you hook up with people to just have sex with them. What he was telling these women... the compliments, how he loved to lick a woman and couldn't wait to lick her, the many positions he wanted to do with them, when could they hook up... etc... He and these women had actively been writting, emailing, chatting, talking on the phone, and I believe having cybersex as I had noticed on a few occasions that his webcam was not in it's usual place. Of course, he would unplug it, and try to leave it like it used to be. There is a woodstove in the kitchen, so there is always dust. I can tell if something has been moved, as marks are left.When I found out what he was doing, my children and I spent what should have been a wonderful weekend, packing all our belongings, and saying goodbye to all the things we loved so much. He is a camp supervisor, and unlike the others, rents the big huge house on the hill. We stayed until the night he was to arrive, but left a few hours earlier as I could not face seeing him for what he had done... again, only this time, worst. Let's face it, everything else put aside, he WAS being unfaithful.Before we left for the last time,I put up that page of what I had found, and he knew he was busted.Turns out we missed each other by five minutes!I need to know why he did this. He has been sober for 35 years, then got addicted to casinoeing, then porn, then sex sites. Yet, he had everything he wanted... and I know he did. In the last year, he had become an ugly man... inside and out. When you are the supervisor at a summer trailer camp, have your own staff, have duties to tend to... one would think that you are happy your day is done to come home to a loving partner who tended to his needs, made him laugh, brought the sparkle back in his eyes. He got so bad that when the camping season ended this year, he was telling me how glad these 'shitters' were leaving.I gave up a lot for him, accommodated him... which I would never do, but as I mentioned, being such a moody person, I would keep a lot inside just to keep the peace. Eventually though, I could not hold it in any longer, and when he would have one of his fits of rage (not about me), I too would get angry, telling him that his yelling and screaming at me because of what one of his employees had done was not right. Instead of seeing the truth in this, he would get even angrier. He knew, as it had happened a lot of times, that if he was upset with his employees, he would just talk to me, and I would offer him my advice... which he would take.So why did he do this? Why was he involved in these sex sites, and connecting to women? How many times has he done it (I am friends with his past girlfriend, and she told me that she had caught him on dating sites, NOT sex sites, while they were together... just figured he was not happy with her... but still, you break up with someone before moving on).And just before Christmas, the holidays, my upcoming birthday.I just don't get it...He emailed me the day after he arrived, found that he had been busted, and instead of apologizing... actually blamed the whole thing on me... things such as crying. Sorry, but when you see that your man has been unfaithful, again, and this time went way too far, of course my kids are going to see that I am upset. We were to spend the rest of our lives together, then he does this, again. I know, better I find out now then later when we would have been able to get married.I just need some insight. I know he still loves me and the children, but a relationship that does not have trust in it cannot survive. And I would never be able to trust him again.Please help, for I don't understand.
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female
reader, Bastet +, writes (3 December 2009):
Bastet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn uptdate... my ex just emailed me three times today, and called once. He wants to go for counselling, as he misses me and the kids. Let's not forget that he did tell me he did not love me. I know he can't stand being alone where he lives, has been on numerous dating sites and sex sites... and maybe now, he is finally realling what he lost. He knows how much I love him, would do anything, too much for him, and at his age, and the way he looks, will not get another woman like me... with bonus two kids to love. So now, HE is the one that wants counselling... something we had started a long time ago, but he let it go for all his reasons. He is maybe seeing a xmas without us, a very long winter without anybody but f*ck buddies, and only on a few occasions... and again, perhaps realizing finally that what he did was so wrong. He emailled me for the first time in three weeks, telling me he could not sleep, was always thinking, wanted to go to counselling, and who cared about what people thought of us.
My broken heart is still hurting very much, but my brain is finally starting to kick in... with the help of you, and my close friends. He is,I can only assume, that he had the greatest...but forever reason of his, was not enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
I have been advised that he will not change. Sure, go for counselling, be nice for a few months, only to have him go back to his old ways. He is nearly sixty, has a (sorry, I don't ever throw flowers at myself) beautiful woman full of life and talents, with two wonderful children whom he adores...to be nice for a few months, then return to whom he was... a control freak. He will not let me be me.
I am very social, love to meet people... he does not.
I like to have a few drinks with the campers... but now cannot, as he caught me two times having had too much... big deal.
I go visit some campers... and when I return, he is very silent=pissed off.
I am to spend my day at the cottage tending to the house, and my bag is not cleaning up after him, which he knows (he hired a maid). I will do my share, but will not be picking up after him.
I want to go see some campers, spend some time with them, but if there is no time (his terms), I get the silent.
If I spend an evening with my girlfriend and boss at her cottage, and as we paint and have so much fun, as we are having a few glasses of wine... he does not see the masterpiece we created... he only sees that I had more than two glasses of wine... does not see all the artwork I did.
And now, as I had written, after finding out that HE had been unfaithful in having all these sex talks and god knows what else... he wants me back... even willing to pay for counselling. Him being 59, and having gotten old and fat, who is going to want him. He had it all,,, yet blew it for what. I still don't know. Why do men do this. Especially when they, at their age, find a beautiful, vivacious, full of life, love and fun woman, with two kids to add to his life...go and jeopordize this?
Now, he wants, all of a sudden, an immediate response... what do I do. I love the man, but my gut tells me he is using us... my heart tells me, that he realized what he lost.
Please helpl
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 You said it yourself in the closing lines of your story...the trust has gone.
He sounds like a controlling moody a**hole with an addictive personality. These types of characters will always seek out attention to boost their ego and sex and dating sites(especially the ones that offer a no strings deal) are perfect for such boost. He can cheat over and over and never have to suffer any consequences.
You have a duty to yourself and your kids to have a happy life and this man cannot and never will be able to make you happy because he is out for himself.
I am so sorry to say this and I have said it so many times to people in bad relationships on this site...but just saying you love someone is not enough. Actions speak louder than words and someone who really truly felt love for you would never ever treat you this way!!! Love doesn't mean enduring his s**tty moody addictive cheating behaviour.
You don't need this.
AE x
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 In a nutshell, he sounds like a complete loser. Do you really want a cyber-sex pervert having an influence on your kids lives? You deserve better.
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