A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i've posted about this before, but i wasn't very detailed .. so here it is again.. sorry it's so long!!!In february, I started seeing a guy. He is 22 and i am 20 (was 19 at the beginning). our first date was at a gig, drinking etc, and it went great. We kissed and everything. This was after meeting at a club a week before, and texting 24/7 all week. Afterwards, he kept letting me know how much he liked me and how much he'd enjoyed himself, and we arranged to meet up a few times in the next week.The next day, we went for coffee, and he seemed very different to when he hadn't been drinking.. he was quite shy and it was obvious that he was very very nervous and didnt know what to say. I remember being sat there thinking 'ok... we'll just have to take this slow and see what happens' because I am quite shy myself . However after we'd finished our coffee, he went to work, and was texting me while he was at work saying that he wanted to see me again that evening- that he'd meet me at a club after he'd finished work. And sure enough he did. I remember having my doubts afterwards because once again, we were just stood there holding hands and he didn't seem comfortable at all. But again, he texted me after we parted saying how happy he was so i thought it was ok...After this, we were still texting 24/7. Two days later, we were supposed to see each other, but last minute he cancelled on me. We re-arranged for two days later, and again, he cancelled on me last minute! Obviously I got annoyed, so i messaged him expressing myself haha and the next day he told me he just had "stuff going on" that he didn't wanna get me involved in. I accepted this and told him that i'd be there for him when he needed me. We stopped texting so much - we'd speak probably a few times a week, usually initiated by him- and we didn't see each other at all. Gradually we got into the routine of texting all the time again but he only agreed to see me on nights out when he knew there would be drink involved. When he'd had enough to drink, he'd be fine and be really funny and outgoing, but whenever he met me after he'd finished work without much to drink he'd just stand there looking awkward being really quiet. One night he was so awkward and distant to me i had to text him afterwards if seeing me still was what he really wanted, cause I really felt like it wasnt, and he replied saying "I do want to keep seeing you. I just have to sort out some stuff in my head". So we carried on for a few weeks in the same routine.By the end of march I was getting really fed up of not being able to see him properly because it seemed to be taking forever, so i asked him about it and we arranged to go for coffee again 2 days later. And predicatabley he cancelled on me about half an hour before we were supposed to meet. We had a bit of an argument and the last thing i said to him was 'i really like you but im not going to wait around forever'. and told myself i was done with it.A week or so later, he was going on a weeks holiday to cyprus. Before this we hadnt really been speaking, except for him liking pictures on my facebook (which really confused me). The night before he went, he came on facebook chat and started speaking to me. He told me he was really really sorry for the way he'd been with me and that he really really liked me. He then texted me telling me that he'd realised "If you like something whats the point of pissing around and not doing anything about it" etc... and then he said that we'd "do something nice" as soon as he got back from his holiday. He then practically forced me to download an app on my phone so that we could talk to each other while he was abroad. And while he was there we talked on it 24/7. I have no doubt at all that he really liked me.However when he got back I kept trying to arrange something with him and he kept putting it off and sayin he had to work. There was one night when i told him i was going out drinking to this new club that was opening that night, and said him and his friends should come, but in the end i didnt go and he messaged me asking where i'd been because he wanted to see me. After this i still kept trying to arrange something with him, as we were still texting 247 and stuff, and in the end we did. On the actual day he put it off all day, using excuses such as "im just cleaning my house, we can do something when im done" until it got to the evening wen he asked me if i wanted to go out that night, drinking again. I said i couldnt as i had to be up early the next day, but i could do something else with him if he wanted. he didn't reply so i ended up having a massive go at him.after id finished having a go at him, he told me he just doesnt have any confidence and that he's not very interesting and that everytime we arrange something he just "bottles out" because he gets so worried about it. I felt bad, and told him i couldnt prove to him he had nothing to worry about if he didnt give me the opportunity to. but still, nothing got arranged to see each other again. so once again we got back into the routine of just seeing each other on nights out. i noticed however that if i went out, he'd ask me to meet him fr a half hour or so if he finished work at around the same time i was leaving the club to go home (he works at a bar) and obviously he wouldnt have been drinking then. i thought maybe this was his way of building his confidence up so that he was able to see me more. and this routine carried on for about a month. we'd texted 247 and he'd constantly talk about all the stuff we were gonna do together and how that he hoped it'd happen soon. however i did notice that the one time i mentioned seeing each other properly, during the daytime, he put it off and gave excuses.at the end of may, we were in the same bar together and it was great- (he was drunk, but he was coming out of his shell a lot) and as my friend ended up 'getting' with his housemate, we all ended up going back to their house. during the time me and him were alone together he was coming out with all sorts of stuff about me introducing him to my family and showing him where i live so he could come round etc. he didn't try anything sexual (nervousness?) and while we were in his room he kept smiling randomly and saying how happy he was. he even called me beautiful to my face and no guy has ever done that before. i thought that maybe after this night things would improve a hell of a lot. i thought wrong.only threee days later i got so worked up thinking about how this wasnt going anywhere that i asked him if he wanted to keep seeing each other because in the whole 4 months that we had been, nothing had changed. he replied saying he agreed with me. so we were leaving it. but its just since this that ive become really confused.2 days later, he liked pictures of me on facebook again.the next day, we were in the same bar together again, and i was feeling abit nervous about talking to him so i didnt go over straight away. he proceeded to get with another girl right infront of me, then completely blank me when i tried to acknowledge him, as if i'd done something wrong. it was like he'd built up a vendetta in his head against me.after this we had an argument, during which i said 'you either wanna be with me or you dont' to which he replied 'well i dont think i do. i jut dont think its there' (key point of the argument). after this i was so angry that he'd lead me on for so long, believing itd all get better, and then tod me he didnt actually wanna be with me.. that i cut all contact- deleted his number and his facebook. just so that i could get over him.after this i got told he'd done statuses saying stuff like 'not feeling great....' and commented on mutual friends statuses saying he agreed etc when they complained about being single.a week later, i was honestly beginning to get over it all, and once again i went to the same club and saw him. i was still so angry with him that i made a point of completely ignoring him all night- i didnt wanna talk to him. he spent the whole night staring at me.the next morning, logged into facebook and he'd added me back. i accepted to see what he had to say. he apologised for everything. we had a bit of an awkward conversation and in the end i told him i wouldnt delete him again and told him i wouldnt ignore him the next time i saw him. so the next time i saw him, a weekish later on a night out, i stood with him for a bit but he wasnt very drunk and was the same shy un-drunk self that he always had been. however when my friend told him he looked sad, he nodded in agreement with her and said that he was.after this, we didnt speak for a week. then he started talking to me on facebook. i had to go but i told him to speak to me soon cus i missed talking to him (i really did/do)and then the next day he texted me. (i really was NOT expecting that) and then we got back in the routine of texting 247 again for a whole week. during this week we ended up telling each other we still liked each other and he kept saying how much he missed me.we have seen each other since this, but nothing physical happened, and he's said that he doesnt wanna get back into anything at the moment because he thinks he'll end up letting me down. i told him that we probably shouldnt speak all the time if we werent gonna get back into anything. this has just backfired on me though because its been like 2 weeks now, and although he said he still likes me and we talk a bit from time to time, i really really miss talking to him, SO much, and im just really unhappy :( it makes it worse how he keeps doing facebook statuses saying how good life is going for him right now :(...any advice on what i should do? i know most people will probably think i'm stupid..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand why you've said that but if he really doesn't want me why would he waste his own time on all this? i know for a fact he hasnt been getting with anyone else apart from the one off with the random girl in the bar, and as nothing sexual has happened between us he hasn't been getting anything at all out of this
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): The ball is entirely in your court now and you need to toughen up and stop letting him use you. He wants all the perks of a girlfriend without putting any effort in. He's not just shy, but very immature and not worth all this aggro you've built yourself into.
Forget his status updates, they could be about absolutly anything. He could just be having a bad day because he just slammed his finger in the car door for all you know. Him commenting about being single has no bearings on how he feels for you, and if it did that still isn't good enough. His talk means nothin when his actions are so pityfull.
He told you loud and clear in both actions and words that he doesn't want you. He knows he can treat you like this and get away with it, yes you get the hump for a while but you keep goin back!
Its got to stop.
You obviously need help getting over this boy or you wouldn't have wrote on here.
First things first- cold turkey! Delete him, block him and change your number. Tell your friends you don't want to know what he's writing on facebook, infact deactivate your facebook alltogether for a while if it helps. Stop going to places Ie clubs were you know he will be, that will set you back everytime. Stay in for a while. Make it clear that you have a life to get on with.
But whatever you do- TOUGHEN UP! He needs to learn you are a human being and you deserve some respect!
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